Out – child contact – rights – PLEASE HELP

[Rubymurray]

I left a few days ago – He is a mess and distressed and phone calls since are emotionally abusive

He doesn’t know where I will be living and THIS seems to be HIS main focus and he’s very angry over this.

I am being reasonable in our conversations, regards trying to arrange & agree sensibly him having some time with child, since he’s had a few days not seeing her now (and its devastating to him obvsiously and of course he thinks I dont care about him and I’m selfish and not thinking of child)!

I’ve told him that he doesn’t need to know the address. He says he has a parental right to know she is safe, not in danger, that its a decent neighborough etc….. I obviously just see this as him realising he’s lost control and wanting to know where I and child are to be living to get to me again, or get me back and/ or have some control again.

He thinks Im mad and that I can’t do this etc. accusing me of various stuff…

Obviously I’m considering talking to a solicitor ASAP (tom).

Did I learn something on here recently about if a W*tS*t Order is necessary , that this part of the process isn’t so expensive??

FIRSTLY, I’m not 100% sure IF I have to share with him our address with regards to his rights, Any advice PLEASE??

Also should I be spelling it out to him MY reasons for withholding where we are living, i.e. due to him being emotionally abusive. Because at the moment he seems to just think I’m doing all this, not thinking and being nasty and selfish etc.

He is obviously distressed (because up to now, I haven’t said that to him, only in the past I have said to him that I have fear there with him with how he has behaved or spoken to me and that I can often feel intimidated.

Thanks – replies needed as always quick xx

[Soulsearcher18]

Rubymurray
Just typed a lengthy post and was nearly finished and deleted it! That’s being up at late o clock for you.
Anyway, in brief, what I was trying to say was as follows:
1. If you get this message soon- call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 . It is a 24 hour helpline and you may get through quicker ringing at this hour!
2. Do you have local Domestic Abuse support? If so, call them asap- some local services have emergency 24 hour duty lines. If you don’t have local support you can find it through the following link:

Domestic Abuse Directory

3. It is your choice but my local service advised going ‘No Contact’ with abuser when leaving. They advised calling 101 to report that I had left a domestically abusive relationship and that I was safe and to give the address etc but for it not to be given out. This is so that if you go no contact and he reports you missing, the police will know where you are and won’t send out search parties etc. You may be asked questions, like further detail on why you left etc, you can say that you do not feel ready to answer these at this time. These responses can be used as evidence in court cases and right now you need time to process and also to seek further support. Obviously if they ask you if you feel in danger/risk of harm from him, or if you’ve concerns around this-do tell them this.
4. Seek urgent legal advice, many family solicitors offer free half hours. If you are eligible and need legal aid then you will need to find a solicitor that offers this.
5. The Rights of Women website offers a helpline for legal advice and is open tomorrow evening. Details to opening hours for the helpline are in following link:

Family law

6. The following link takes you to a page where you can download a leaflet on ‘leaving an abusive relationship-what are my options’. I think that you might find this helpful to look at.

Violence against women

7. Consider building evidence, keep all text messages, emails etc and a log of conversations etc if you can. Call 999 if he suddenly turns up. Now that you have left, all future unwanted contact is harassment. With regard to your child, he will need to apply to court for access but you may likely go through a solicitor to sort this out before that stage- it will depend on whether you are pressing charges etc. A solicitor will explain all this more accurately to you and Domestic abuse services will help you navigate it all.
8. Shut him off so you can take some time to breath and plan your next steps and what you need to do. Ask for support from friends and family if you can but ensure that they know not to engage with him at all. You may want someone trusted, if it is possible, to attend meetings with you to support you. Take notes, or get professionals to write things down for you as there is a lot to take in.
9. Consider going to your GP for support and to log everything (this is evidence if needed), I read recently that many women who leave domestically abusive relationships experience PTSD. I am not saying that you will but please don’t underestimate the strain of leaving. It is well worth booking in for regular GP support.
10. If your child is still in school, make sure school are aware and if he has parental rights, get them to contact you asap if he turns up and for them to stall him until you get there. If he has parental rights, he can take the children. This can also be the case if you allow contact without a court order, if he has parental rights, he potentially can not return the child. I don’t mean to sound alarmist here and please check with your solicitor on the accuracy of this but you do need to be careful on this issue.

I hope you can get some professional support soon. Please keep trying them if you don’t get through at first, that goes for the National service and your local services.

Let us know how you get on. I’m sure if I’ve got anything not quite right, or I’ve missed anything the other wise women on here will let you know.

Take care

Soulsearcher

[Soulsearcher18]

Poodlesticks, the links didn’t work in my previous post.

The website is rightsofwomen.org.uk

* Go to ‘get advice’and select ‘family law’ on the left hand side for the helpline number and times

* Go to ‘get information’, select ‘family law’ on the left hand side, select ‘violence against women’ and then select
‘leaving and abusive relationship:what are my legal options’

[Anonymous]

I would stop talking to him right now and he can like it or lump it. Everything can’t be his way all the time. He should have been this concerned when he was being so horrible to you but of course now You are the bad guy. Right, right….. Please take the advice given above and use it. Take notes and you need your own DV support worker that is dedicated to you if at all possible. I would tell him as little as possible right now. You need to get counsel first. So knock your phone off and give yourself some peace.

These websites as well….

Children and the law: when parents separate

https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce

Getting legal help

[diymum@1]

The solicitor probably won’t direct you as far as this : you don’t have to have any direct contact with him your child will. So from the get go get a third party to deal with him third party phone and for handover otherwise he will continue xx your grounds are he is emotionally abusive so not good for the child seeing this xx you can ask that the lawyer does not put ur address on the writs got court due to domestic abuse. I know it’s a big step but document with the gp and police for your future court case as this will be like gold dust xx it’s not about him now xx it’s control he wants xx

[Rubymurray]

Thank you for your replies, thats all been soooooo helpful already.

If anyone has more to add, tips advice….

Straight away hes suggesting an overnight stay, all child knows is mummy putting to bed….chikd doesnt go to sleep with him…. plus too soon with a lot of change for child, definately definately not in childs best interest.

[diymum@1]

Put your foot down to over nights from the start other wise they will say well he’s been getting them he could get 50 50 xx they will always ask for unrealistic amounts of time ! Xx

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