Out for while but still finding it difficult

[iamme]

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted in while but I’ve been out for a while. I’ve had good days where I can feel the freedom I have and I have bad days where nothing makes sense and everything is difficult.

I’ve managed to find work that fits around my children but I’m always anxious something has happened to them when I’m at work. I’ve been on the Freedom Programme, where I met a fantastic group of women and I’ve been on a mindfulness course at my local rape crisis centre. The contact with other women has helped me a lot. Just to have another person who knows what you’ve been through can get you through a bad day.

But still, I can’t seem to escape his control. I was filling out a student loan form yesterday and I put down I was separated and now they require proof. I haven’t applied for a divorce because I am worried he will escalate. A few weeks ago someone tried to grab my teenager on the way to school and I am sure he put them up to it. Police report was filed but the police said there was no way for them to catch him.

What’s frustrating is that I want to do something for myself to prove I’m not as worthless as people make me out to be and everytime I try, I have to be reminded of him. I’m on mirtazipine to control some of my symptoms but lately it doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve started with the hypervigilance and that on edge feeling again and it started with just that mention of providing proof that I am separated. It’s probably a lot more simple than my brain is making it out to be.

I want to take back control and be happy but being out has been harder than being in the midst of all the abuse. When does it get better? Or am I just doing it all wrong? When will the men coming towards me on the street stop morphing into him?

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Iamme, well done for getting out and getting on with life. You are so strong ! I know it’s not easy working, being there for the kids, surviving. Plus it must have been terrifying going thru that horrible event with your child. I was recommended the Holly guard app for security and peace of mind, it looks good and we are going to download it. Also could you get a DA trained police officer to home visit and check you home security ?

That’s wonderful that you are going to study. Studying again was very tough for me as the abuse really escalated, it can be hard to focus after longterm abuse cos of the effect on our brains. But you can do it !!
Saying that I only just finished cos the PTSD became crippling.

It sounds like you are struggling with PTSD now. The anti depressants and mindfulness are a great, but consider trauma therapy as it will help you heal and manage the triggers and hyper vigilance. Talk to
your GP or your local DA centre. I was lucky to get trauma focused CBT offered on the NHS. It is hard work and I have low days but it helped me function and get a good job to support us.

All the best and keep strong.
Apricotpoppy xx

[fizzylem]

Hi iammme, good to read you’re reaching out on here. Forms can invoke allsorts hey; I’ve always found I’ve never quite been able to fit into all their neat and tidy boxes – which I actually think is a good thing these days lol.

It feels insensitive to ask for proof of a seperation, I would be inclined to ask what kind of proof do you need? Me being me I’d probably be a bit rebeliious and let them know I left an abusive relationship, what would like, photos of my bruises, police reports? GP medical record? You know, to make a point! So guess you need to establish what they want. It may be something as simple as a council tax bill in your name only.

It is not harder being out than when in the midst of the abuse – it just feels that way sometimes when you hit a hurdle, this will pass. The more you chip away and the more steps you take towards the life you really want, the more you will grow in confidence. One day you’ll remember how hard it was in the early days and that you haven’t felt like that for a very long time – you’ll see. Keep going.

Sounds to me like you need to learn a technique to stop your emotions and anxiety spiralling out of control, catch this before it escalates. CBT can be good for this, I don’t rate CBT that much, but if you were to have say 6 sessions of CBT, and were to make this your primary and only focus for the work – then you would get what you need from it – but you need to stay focused on this one aspect only; ‘gain control of my thoughts and anxiety before it spirals out of control’. CBT is useful for one thing and that is it, it can teach us this, how our thoughts impact on our emotions and how to gain some control over this. You can self refer into the NHS service nearby to you, maybe call your surgery and ask who you need to contact in your areaa.

What we all struggle with here in these moments is finding our rationality – so it’s about finding your own self talk with rationality to give yourself in these moments; a mantra maybe. It’s about you recognising oh I know what this is and where it will lead me, into the downwards spiral, so instead I’m going to do x, y or z until it passes – it’s like creating a procedure to do and follow instead as you know this is what you really need in these moments.

Have you tried meditation? Can really help to gain control over the mind and leave you feeling much calmer, peaceful even. Meditation would give you more long term benefits than the CBT. 5 minutes meditation a day is all you need to begin, once you’ve learnt the principles.

This is an exciting time, will be wonderful when you are studying, cheering you on x*x

[iamme]

Thank you ladies for your advice and support. It’s good to have people talk sense when you think you’re going crazy.

I’ve been trying meditation and most days it helps to calm the voices in my head. The nasty voices are still there but not as loud. Some days the nasty self doubt kicks in and actually makes me physically sick.

Self talk and finding your rationality seems like a good idea. I’m going to have to train my brain to stop the train of negative thoughts and look at practicalities instead.

Thank you ladies, I feel so much better after reading your posts. Lots of hugs to you all x

[Whosthatgirl]

Sounds like you’re doing everything right hun. just keep asking for help and I agree on pushing back on the ‘proof’ thing. The Police officer i saw recommended EMDR therapy which she said can be accessed on nhs but can be a long wait. Might be worth asking your gp? take care xx

[iamme]

Hi everyone,

Just an update. Yes it was as simple as a council tax bill and talking to the people on the helpline made things a lot easier. Even managed to deal with the passport office and get my daughters documents back on time for her trip (detail removed by moderator).

It goes to show, a few kind words from you ladies here and I was ready to kick a*s. Thank you for all your support x

[freedomtochoose]

well done iamme. remember having several triggers when I applied, weirdly my birth certificate was
one of the things…couldn’t seem to see it was possible to get a copy. Don’t know how that works.
all best
ftc
x

[fizzylem]

Oohh you’ve been over seas! How lovely! So good to read you’re feeling better, taking stuff on and moving past it. Go you! xx

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