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I guess i am coming out of the fog and its not pretty, so scary to see the truth. Been through an unhappy childhood, married an abuser who nearly killed me, divorced him after (detail removed by Moderator) years, have dealt with it. Little i knew what was ahead of me, worst times of my life.
So….my mother had died (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. Never once she liked me or had a nice word for me. Just yelled, hit, preffered my sister, ignored manipulated me, blackmailed me. I guess i survived my childhood by taking on a belief that i am bad. Well, my mother always said so- u were born bad, with a bad character, people must never find out, u have to hide it. So….in order to tame a bad character, she would tie me to a chair if i didnt want to eat what she cooked and leave me there overnight, after having beaten me up with a belt…:(…. after my dad died when i was (detail removed by Moderator), she would acuse me that it was my fault because i didnt obey enough…my mother would see my grandmother chasing me in a rage with a hammer trying to hit my head and would say- u shouldnt have talked back…with daily humilation, criticism and condemnation and mamy more…
A skillfull one she was too…not once anyone witnessed what she was doing to me and those who did- my sister and grandma- she had them believe that it was my fault…i was a bad seed, black sheep of the family. But yeah, outside world had only ever seen extremely/fakingly/ sweet and caring person she was…../example- she never paid for school dinners or gave me packed lunch for my entire school years yet when visitors came, table would be overfilled with food at home. And yep, my sister had her school dinners paid/
After 2 years of insane depresion, i am coming out of it and into reality. And its not pretty. I believed all my life that i am bad, i guess i had to take on that belief because to see the reality would be too painful and dangerous too. I feel sick a lot, like i want to vomit with everyday headache. I think i am being hit with a truth that my mother was an abuser and it seems like too much to take in….
In a way i am still that little girl needing someone to validate to me that yelling, hitting and so on is not ok because my mother made me believe that she has to yell and hit because i deserve it….
???
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