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This topic contains 12 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Kitkat44 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #102570
     Ripon123 
    Participant

    I was wondering if people who have left confronted there partner about there abuse? No one in my family/friends or his knows the way he treats me. I spend my life pretending everything is fine to not upset him or worry them. This means he has no idea I want to leave, nor does anyone else. I’m so frightened he would lose it if I tried to leave so not sure how I would even leave. But surly I can’t just run off when he has no idea I’m even unhappy a lot of the time. I can’t just spring it on everyone surly that not fair 😫😫 imagine thinking everything’s fine and they just leave and say you treat them awful and you don’t even see it.

  • #102584
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    Hi Ripon,
    I’m really glad you’ve asked this question as it’s something I think about a lot too.
    I haver never asked it as directly as you have, but in some form, but the response I have had (from the really wise people on here) is that you can’t reason, there is no reasoning with abusers, and they will always turn it round so you are at fault, so you just have to leave, cut ties and leave.
    Personally, I think that I will finally do it when my OH has an outright unreasonable attack on me. These are not physical, and they don’t happen very often, but they make me hate him with a passion. Most of his behaviour is “low level”, a constant chipping away at me, but from time to time these attacks happen and my ducks are now in a row so I can now just walk out – and I will feel then that the chain of causation is there and it doesn’t just look like I’ve upped and left because I’ve had some sort of crisis.
    So… sorry, I’m not really answering your question. It does seem that a lot of the people who post on here either talk about it with their abusers, or leave multiple times. I’d love to hear from someone who has done neither, and not had to involve the police either.

  • #102616
     Ripon123 
    Participant

    Hi Lottieblue, it messes with your head something terrible doesn’t it. I’m still hopeful someone might give us more insight. I’m too scared of him when he’s angry to leave in an argument/lecture. But then surly I can’t just leave one day with no good reason or what seems like no good reason. Hope this message finds you well. Thanks for your response xx

  • #102617
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi ladies, WA advise not to tell them we’re leaving as it’s then that things can change for the worse. They can help make a safe exit plan, everything you need to take, what your willing to leave behind. Once I knew for definite that I could no longer stay I started planning. It was like a military operation. I started tidying up loosexends,I shredded paperwork that wasn’t needed, threw things out, took things to charity shops, stopped needlessly buying and started saving like no tomorrow. Photocopy official documents that you cant take with you. Note all bank account details,get a copy of his last p60 of he’s got one and you’re able to do so safely. Keep a journal of his behaviour if you’ve not already been doing so. It’s up to yourself if you want to leave a note when you leave. Mine was (detail removed by moderator) pages long. You are not obliged to do either. We still see this as an ordinary relationship, an ordinary relationship wouldn’t require you thinking of leaving without telling him, that’s when it starts to become more real, that the relationship is an abusive one.how you leave, when you leave is up to you, just make sure you’ve all your ducks in a row. Then be prepared for the proverbial to hit the fan. You’re also advised to block his number. Gives you breathing space, it can take up to 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship but with help and support you can go onto have a life free of abuse. We’ll help you and guide you through everything too.
    Love and light
    IWMB 💞💞

  • #102620
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    I left once.
    I didn’t talk it through with him.
    I didn’t leave a note.
    I didn’t involve the police.

    I had lots of support though. Family, friends, involved social workers on either side of the countries and a DA charity.
    I was told that these kind of relationships can’t be ended harmoniously. So I thought right, there is no point to even plan a good ending. I decided to leave. I was very frightened of him.
    My panic attacks contributed in accelerating my escape much faster than I’d originally planned. The minute I booked my flight, the panic attacks stopped. I left while he was at work.

    Best to contact Women’s Aid and set up a solid escape plan together. They will make sure your safety is the first priority in your exit, something we don’t necessarily take into account when planning our escape.

    Talking it through with him would reveal your position to him, giving him ammunition and enough information to sabotage your escape. I am talking about escape because you are his captive right now, you will not be able to take one step outside his reach, abusers are entitled men thinking they own their spouses.
    That’s why you need domestic abuse professional support to end your abusive relationship. Professionals who’ve seen it all.

    You’re going to be ok you’ll see
    Keep safe & keep posting

  • #102621
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    Him abusing you is one very valid reason to leave him.
    You wanting to end the relationship is another very valid reason to leave him.
    The thing is, you do not need to provide any reasons at all. It is your choice to want to end a relationship full stop.

  • #102641
     Ripon123 
    Participant

    As always ladies. Inspiring and reassuring words. You are all honestly amazing 💖 thank you for your responses

  • #102644
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    You want to be reasonable by explaining to him why you are leaving, you want to be fair, show respect for him as your partner, treat him as you would wish to be treated. Totally understandable.
    However…..at what point did he show you respect by asking if it was ok to be abusive? Did he calmly explain his actions, seek your understanding before behaving in an unacceptable way? Of course he didn’t! He hasn’t been fair to you, so at this point you just need to be fair to yourself. He lost the right to a considerate explanation when he abused you.
    I was quite fortunate in the end in my situation. It has been an argumentative relationship (well – he argued and I listened – he was Mr Right after all!) He has a huge sense of entitlement, self centred, judgemental, occasionally physically intimidating but that part never escalated. He created a huge argument over something minor and as a result he left. He tried to gas light me about the cause of the argument but I stood my ground as I had a clear memory of exactly what was said. When I wouldn’t take the blame he left again. I saw my chance and just didn’t let him back! We had a short reconciliation but never made it past 48 hours before he was creating another drama – I realised nothing would change and didn’t let him back. I texted him a long message listing all the reasons why our relationship had failed and his part in it and got back a very bland one liner.
    I felt better for sending the message as I felt I finally got my say, but the reality is I doubt he even read it properly – they only hear what they want to and will never admit and accept their part in the problems they create.
    So – I would say get safe first. If, after the event you want to write then by all means do, but it will be for more your benefit than his. Whatever you do will be wrong in his eyes so just choose the path that keeps you safer,
    You may be surprised at how much other people have picked up after you leave. It didn’t cone as a huge shock for a lot of my friends and family.
    Take care xx

  • #102669
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    Yes, we want to be fair, yes, it feels wrong just to up and leave without explanation, but I think the biggest battle is self-doubt. We have put in our places and made to feel worthless for such a long time that it’s really, really difficult to believe that it’s ok just to look after number one, for once. I think that’s what I struggle to get over. I know that when I leave he will be gutted, furious, try to tell me that I should have addressed “my” issues, we could have tried to work it out, how could I just quit after so many years. I want to justify myself, be the voice of reason. I want to be able to say why it can’t work, how he fits a type (and boy, does he!) and how I know that he will never change.
    But I also, blindly, put my faith in those of you who know what you’re talking about, because I know that you do. I need to leave and I need not to discuss, because he will make make me think that I am ridiculous and selfish and that he is the victim and how could I?
    That’s why I have to be ready to go when he next has an explosion at me. He never, ever apologised or mentions them when they happen, but he must know, he must know how vile and unacceptable they are. His refusal to acknowledge them or their impact on me is a very big reason for me to say things are not ok.
    And the self doubt dissolves when these explosions happen. At those times I know there is no alternative, that I can’t go on. There have been reasons for me to hang on in the past, but those reasons have gone, and I will now leave. I take a risk, my children may not forgive me, but I keep telling myself that, as much as anything, I have to show them that his behaviour is not acceptable and that I, their mother, am worth more than they have grown up believing.

  • #102716
     Kitkat44 
    Participant

    I hear you. I’ve tried to express how unhappy I am, how intimidating he is and how much his behaviour has distressed our children.
    He just doesn’t get it.
    Things have been ok these past few weeks apart from him sulking on and off and doing very little to help with our children. He either goes to bed and is asleep before them or stays up late playing video games.
    It used to make me feel so angry and frustrated but now I say to myself “he’s just showing you who he is”
    Despite all this I cannot find the words to say I’m done you need to leave and my children will be devastated.
    Xx

  • #102720
     Newboundaries 
    Participant

    Completely understand your thought process. I have been with mine for years and thought surely I could make him realise and I probably expected him to say I will take counselling.
    I am still living with him as he won’t let me leave with our child. I have mentioned to him (twice) whilst we are talking about how we are going to get through this seperation, does he realise that what he is doing is classed as emotional abuse and controlling. He says it comes from a good place and denies that it is abuse, starts getting angry, I end the argument which usually happens before I go to bed, so I say I am just going to bed, so it doesn’t end on a good note at all. Then the next day it as if the conversation didn’t happen, in complete denial. Once pre lockdown he took us on a day trip and after lockdown he was just charming and nice like nothing had happened. Which becomes more unsettling for me as then I second doubt myself. But even though I was advised not to and I was careful not to reveal anything else, I just had to say something as I couldn’t get my head around the fact that I am in this position in the first place. I thought he was my soulmate once upon a time, but the fact is they don’t get it, they will never get it. And I think once it is out there in the open, when I find the courage to flee, his family and a lot of our friends will side with him too as everyone loves him and he can speak fluent c**p.
    He knows we need to split but again when I try to discuss this he is complete denial and he just goes through the same old stuff and blames me but he is also happy at the moment as he thinks I have no way on getting out as I have no money and no plans.
    Before I realised what I was going through I even went to couple counselling for a few months and I have even suggested mediation recently, yet despite all this he is complete denial, I am the fault, I am depressed and have childhood abuse issues, so it is all me. I know I am kidding myself that the split will ever be amicable. But I had to try it for my peace of mind as my biggest guilt/worry is our child and him missing out on key milestones that are coming up and I know that the child is his world and the child has a great bond with both of us.
    Now I am concentrating on lining my ducks in a row – decluttering, making money by selling stuff on eBay, going through paperwork and getting myself organised. I also contacted my counsellor to get my head around making that first step. I have a wonderful local charity that are supporting me and have a backup plan but I am still not ready as I have the guilt with the child/him missing out.
    I have to remind myself daily that if this was a normal relationship and I wanted to get out you would be able to just go and hopefully work out something amicably. I even contacted my ex recently who is a great friend and a great guy he would never put me in this position, he also just got out of a long term relationship and has kids and said they did it amicably and worked it all out between themselves without involving the courts and he moved out. Mine refuses to move out, I am allowed to go but not take the child! As if I would do that.
    I also remind myself of my situation, by looking at ‘is it abuse’ section on womens aid website, I have it mild but I can resonate with a lot of it and even reading this forum’s posts. We are here for a reason and sadly we won’t be able to reason with them and I know that is hard to comprehend.
    So from experience, don’t bother. I will be leaving a note explaining my reasoning and I will take a copy of it too, will he read it as I intended and understand it, will his family do the same? Of course not, they are going to think I am a wicked witch, he is going to hate me even more and hold a grudge for life but for me writing it down will help me and taking a copy and reading it again a year down the life will remind me of where I was and how far I have got.

  • #102790
     Rubymurray 
    Participant

    Hi

    I just wanted to say I feel the same & in a similar situation, so reading your post & the replies will help me too. I hear you.

    Kitkat44 – can I ask you what you mean by ‘ his behaviour distressing your children? If you are happy to pm me, by all means do.im simply needing to share experiences and validate what I’m seeing myself too.

    Thanks so much

    • #102794
       Kitkat44 
      Participant

      Hi Rubymurray
      I’ve pm’d you
      Xx

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