16th March 2016 at 5:50 pm #11643
I made a statement including details of the horrific abuse. I don’t have his statement yet but I’ve heard he’s said I abused him! I sent him abusive texts etc. It seems to mirror what I said. Does anyone have experience of these counter allegations as from what I’ve learned on this forum these abusers can’t even be original. The thing is I’ve backed up my allegations with proof. As far as I know he has none, well he couldn’t because there is none. Any advice or ideas. (Detail removed by moderator) I can’t help but be nervous and it’s awful to read lies about you. Even though you know it’s not worth the paper it’s written on. (Detail removed by moderator).
16th March 2016 at 6:39 pm #11648Confused123Participant
My ex is currently mirroring me and where I said he messes my head mentally that is now his line, I cheated on him the whole time, I stole of him , as hard as it is my friends asvise me let him say it his words have no value , so good luck for tommrow and just prepare to read a whole bunch of lies
16th March 2016 at 6:51 pm #11650AyannaParticipant
Stay strong! They do this. You have a hard time, but it will get better.
My abuser accused me and I got nearly arrested. I was so lucky police did not know where I worked. I had the interview then at the police station, gave my statement to his accusations and in the end he was exposed to be a liar. But I had a few months of serious horror. x*x
16th March 2016 at 8:33 pm #11658
I’ve responded to you in another message, but just to say, they will always lie, twist, exaggerate and pass responsibility onto others.
However, in doing this, they inadvertently show up how cruel and unfeeling and pathetic they are.
Don’t give up and don’t worry. Keep on going x
16th March 2016 at 8:40 pm #11663Falling SkysParticipant
Try hard to not let it get to you, mine is wonderful at looking the victim.
I was ignored by two female friends (or should I say ex friends) over the weekend. I just think you sad pair, the most I say to people that knew us both is he’s not a nice person, but in the end the truth will come out.
Stay strong you have come such along way.
17th March 2016 at 2:33 am #11679determined survivorParticipant
I have found that the more proof I have the better. There were times where my abuser told authorities he never came to my place of residence, but I had a message from him that said he was there. I was very diligent when I had to go in front of a court to make sure everything I said I could back up with proof because he was very good about turning it all around on me or saying he never did any of those things. It worked because the court ruled in my favor. My advice to you is that, if you can, go through his statement piece by piece and note where you have proof that counters his statement. I know it won’t be easy, but at least you will have something that counters some of his statements.
Unfortunately, they don’t see what they say as lies. They have a very skewed perspective of the truth and they firmly believe that what they say is true. I had a hard time accepting this, and it took some time for my advocate to convince me of this, after the court hearing. My abuser told multiple lies, and I had to keep quiet or it would make things worse.
17th March 2016 at 9:30 am #11688HerindoorsParticipant
When I was still in contact with my ex he was emailing me saying that he has spoken to loads of people, including experts in DV and that my treatment of him would be considered DV. One of the things he was referring to was me coming in from work and ‘screaming and shouting’ at him for not doing the washing up. I didn’t remember it that way and started second guessing myself. Maybe I was also an abuser? What really happened? So I asked my daughter and she reminded me. I would walk in after working all day when he had been at home doing nothing. See the housework hadn’t been done, sigh and start getting on with it. The ‘sigh’ would made him annoyed and he would start goading me and then shouting at me as I was trying to stay calm.
There was shouting but it wasn’t by me or generated by me.
I am not sure if he is deluded or knows what really happened but what really gets my goat is the picture he is painting of me to strangers.
17th March 2016 at 10:50 am #11692
Well, as you know I’ve just been accused of whipping away money from an imaginary account!
He also said in court that he was the subject of emasculation and verbal abuse.
Funny: how I remember it is that, after years of being terrified and suppressed, I finally started to speak up- not to use bad language, invoke fear or disrespect, but simply to try to point out mine and the children’s needs.
And ’emasculation’? I remember merely telling him that he and I were both equal.
But that was enough for him to nearly combust.
17th March 2016 at 3:39 pm #11712godschildParticipant
Hi hereindoors, Mine tells me has spoken to lots of peopl and they all agree that this is 50-50 or just me, when I question him more throughly, he hasnt even spoken to these imaginary people,he just imagines that people would say what he wants to beleive and believes himself. No one who is experet on DV would do that they would see through him trying to blame you and would challenge him, they just try to get people on their side as they are in total denial of what they are doing and wont take resonsibilty.
Re you shouting at him they magnify everything way out of proportion to the actual truth unless it is about themselves then they minimise and discount it.
If I get stressed or even a bit off hand due to his behaviour to em , or if I cry he will say im shouting and screaming which is nonsense, they also relay the story in total denial of the truth that happened, good job your daughter is a witness and can tell you the true facts and reality, they live in their own reality and mindset.
17th March 2016 at 6:34 pm #11718AnonymousInactive
I have had to deal with counter-allegations from my dh. He even got ‘friends’ to write mean things about me that he had told them. Each one was like a knife in my heart. Keep your chin up and remember that this is a commonly-used tactic that is well-known.
18th March 2016 at 11:03 am #11769
Thank you all for your replies “a commonly used tactic” is a good way to think. I need to remove the emotion. It’s difficult. He’s now got my son to give a statement. Haven’t seen either yet. I think it’s a form of gas lighting. His lies were so outrageous I had to question my own version of events. Just the legacy of abuse and low self confidence. This is the price I have to pay to keep myself safe. He’s left me no choice x I hope all you lovely strong ladies have a safe and happy day. We all deserve it. We are all strong strong women. Don’t ever doubt that👍👍👍
18th March 2016 at 9:56 pm #11805
Ok. So I have his statement and it’s just what other ladies on here predicted. He’s now the victim. Whatever he did to me. I actually did to him! Some outright lies that i can prove. He’s so stupid. Wish I could say it didn’t hurt but I wouldn’t be human. Just another tactic these abusers use. Even included a paragraph to trigger and frighten me. Carefully worded of course x it’s true that they are all so similar. Mirroring…..
18th March 2016 at 10:12 pm #11806lover of no contactParticipant
yes my abuser did the same on the court documents for our separation. Lots of Outrageous counter allegations. Unfortunately I wasn’t as strong as I am now or as aware of abusers tactics one of which is ‘outrageous allegations and counter allegations’. Outrageous counter allegations along with victim blaming, denial, yada, yada, yada. What are they like?
I wish I’d known then what I know now, I spent many months with his outrageous allegations and counter allegations going around in my head with me furiously defending them to myself and to my friends. Indifference is the best state for us to get to, but it took me so long to get to that stage back then.
But you sound strong, obviously affected, but hopefully you’ll work through it and end up unfazed by his verbal junk.
18th March 2016 at 10:17 pm #11809
18th March 2016 at 10:23 pm #11812missgiddypantsParticipant
like that KIP can’t stop laughing at it lots of men are full of verbal junk !!! xx
18th March 2016 at 11:51 pm #11824
Yes- verbal junk.
Just laugh at their pathetic natures. Certainly don’t believe or internalise their rubbish X
19th March 2016 at 9:14 am #11844lover of no contactParticipant
Verbal junk…..just read this by Toby Rice Drews:
If Florence Nightingale were married to an abuser, he’d tell her she was a lousy nurse. And he’d have her believing it! lol.
KIP, its a ‘game’ to him. He’s goading you with his ‘outrageous counter allegations’. He wants to engage you. He wants you involved with him, spending your precious time, energy, emotions and life refuting his claims.
The ‘outrageous counter allegations’ are his bait. He wants you to ‘react’. He knows which of your buttons to push to get a reaction, even if its just to take away your peace of mind and keep you busy in your head with him. He’s like a child. He wants your attention. He wants you to play ‘his game’.
But I know I’m getting well and improving and strong in myself when I can hear ‘an abuser’s junk’, (I had to listen to one ‘scream at me at work yesterday’, not a work colleague but a client),feel affected for a day or so, then post on here to strengthen me and don’t get too much into the worry, fear and negative emotions.
Think of him like a fly, annoying, but you can swat him away from your thoughts and your head.
19th March 2016 at 5:36 pm #11864
Thanks again. I’ve just spent all afternoon refuting his allegations on paper and I’m exhausted. (Detail removed by moderator). It also meant reading old text messages (very important that you keep things like this, even years later). I can now see how he totally twists everything so that it’s never his fault. He admits starting another relationship while still living with me in the marital home. And carrying on with this relationship after I found out. And still living with me in the marital home. He sees nothing wrong with this! Disgusting man. Not a shred of empathy. He was using her to rub my nose in it and try to make me jealous. Well it really backfired when I told him to pack his bags. He still wouldn’t go. He says I was cold and asked him to leave many times! Of course I was cold, he was raping me and I did ask him to leave many times but he just would not go!!
19th March 2016 at 10:21 pm #11878AyannaParticipant
Yuck. Make sure you describe everything as plastic as possible and talk about the rapes a lot and how that made you feel and what has become of you as a consequence.
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