Over sensitive?

[Sad and alone]

Sometimes I question whether I am just over sensitive about things. Like is it just normal and I’m making a bigger deal of it? Certain things I know are abusive but then there are smaller things, cross words, or doing things, that I feel aren’t fair or especially nice. But is it just that I’m sensitive to everything because of the bad things?
These small things may include things like (detail removed by moderator), thinks it’s funny but I’ve asked for it not to be done as it ruins it for me. And it’s happened again, and sometimes I’ll just find it that way without him saying anything. Or things like ridiculing me if I get anxious about being late for events. Sometimes I feel like he purposefully makes us late because he knows I don’t like it but says don’t be stupid it doesn’t matter if we’re late. Or if I have suggested something he could do to help himself with something he’ll say it’s stupid and why don’t I do *something unpleasant* to myself and see how I like it. Or he’ll look at women on telly and say how great they are and (detail removed by moderator) etc and I feel he’s making a dig at me as he has said I’m not a woman, or like a real woman, don’t achieve anything etc. Or is he just making an observation that I could agree with but feel like it’s an underhanded attack on me because of things he’s said before?
So are these just silly things I am thinking too much into? And they feel bigger because of how he can be at other times? I think I can get upset easily and overreact?

[minimeerkat]

when youve been with someone long enough they get to know your weaknesses & vulnerabilities – things you will naturally be more sensitive too.  and when your partner abuse is very covert then any hurtful behaviour will be cleverly disguised – resulting in you doubting yourself & your reactions

they will know that certain things they say or do, no matter how small will trouble you & yet are able to then make you feel as if you are over sensitive or cannot take a joke.  when whats actually happening is you are being abused in very subtle & insidious ways

an abusive character will most definitely have a field day with any knowledge of how to hurt you yet any reaction you have to this will then be the problem

[Sad and alone]

Yes these things are the same feeling I got when he suggested changing something about my appearance. I said I didn’t want to but he said about it more than once and it led to an argument. When it was discussed later I was told he was trying to have a bit of fun. I don’t get what is fun about it. It wasn’t upsetting in itself, like he wasn’t being mean about my weight or something, but I’d said no and it was annoying he kept on. I had actually thought about doing as he said before (as not the first time it’s been suggested) to try and please him but snapped out of that at least. But it could make me feel bad, like oh I was trying to have fun but you didn’t want to/took it too seriously/was miserable.
I still struggle to comprehend that they make all these moves and comments on purpose, you know, like they’re consciously saying or doing things. I’d rather think they don’t know they’re doing it.

[minimeerkat]

it can be too painful to acknowledge & accept that our partner can intentionally & deliberately hurt us, so we try justifying it to ourselves in whatever way we can – to protect ourselves

there have been many women who will say that their eyes were suddenly open – maybe something was said or done to confirm a reality they hadnt felt ready to face before

you are questioning & doubting yourself a lot recently but even when we are having difficulty mentally trying to understand what is going on, its our bodies that can alert us to many truths – that gut feeling lets us know when something is very wrong x

 

 

 

[Sad and alone]

Determined to have a decent day and not be drawn into an arguments. But he’s been pushing.
Asked him to (detail removed by moderator). He does it but I’m not even ready really. They don’t come out too well and are unflattering. Get told stop being stupid and just enjoy it. Enjoy what I’m not sure. Can’t ask him to do it again as that’ll definitely spark off criticism or arguing. Want a nice evening as want to watch a certain thing on telly layer without a bad atmosphere.

[Bananaboat]

Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book? It really helped me to see these ‘small’ things are all part of it. Laughing at something when you’ve said it’s not funny to you or saying ‘it’s a joke, ease up’ is a big one, saying how great others are making you compare yourself (they don’t need to right out compare us when this subtle method is effective), saying you’re not fun etc are all said to infect your mind & confidence. It’s really really hard to accept but sadly it is often definitely part of the bigger picture x

[Sad and alone]

Funnily enough I’ve just started reading it properly. I glanced at it before and kind of brushed it off, like it doesn’t apply to me. Started it today and literally don’t want to stop but obvs have to be careful. But it’s like even just reading a bit, I’m starting to feel stronger. I don’t know why.
Today there have been at least five definite attempts to provoke me or put me down. Aside from the photo thing. It’s very insidious. Twice bringing up past events that we’ve had words over. Once redirecting a topic to something else to criticise. A couple of times comparing some one or thing else and insinuating they/it are better than me. Still not biting. Determined to watch what I want and enjoy that like I’m sure other people will be.
I have a GP appt this week. I do have a physical issue I want looked at but am also going to actually tell someone I’m in an abusive relationship and I am struggling to cope. This will be a big deal for me but I need to start getting smart and making moves else I am stuck in this loop for the rest of my life.

[Sad and alone]

Feel like I’m going mad today. Really struggling to maintain a life as it were.
He keeps making comments, which I know are underhanded jibes at me – like how he used to have fun and get drunk on (detail removed by Moderator) or fancy some girl (detail removed by Moderator) when he was younger. Saying how someone else said I should listen to my husband and not sulk. Then he’s calling me stupid about something else. It’s like a cycle that’s getting faster and faster. He wants me to laugh and joke around and I just can’t because next minute he’ll be criticising or saying what I’ve said is dumb because it isn’t what he’s said or thinks. Fed up. Feel like a boiling up pressure about sex as well which I just don’t need either. I’ve tried so many times to go along with it and think it’ll make things better and it never does.

[minimeerkat]

big hug from me.  it must be so difficult trying to carry on as normal but having to deal with this behaviour – knowing you cannot be yourself, cannot have your own thoughts x

[Sad and alone]

So sick of falling into the trap about having a normal discussion about anything. He takes what I say out of context or basically doesn’t listen or understand and says how it’s stupid and you shouldn’t say it etc. And I have to walk away and just say don’t worry about it, you don’t understand what I’m saying. He’d rather parrot back at me what he thinks I’ve said, or maybe what he wanted me to say, or just twist what I’ve said, so he can turn around and criticise me. How many times have I thought to myself I shouldn’t say something as I know he will say or do this in response. And yet I still do it! Either falling into the trap of we’re a normal couple having a normal conversation about xyz, or because something happened or I did something and I don’t have the ability to lie to him. Or even keep it to myself! I literally think “if I tell him abc he’s going to react in such and such a way” yet I still do it as he’s my husband and it just feels natural to want to say stuff to him. Just fed up as usual.

[Littlepixie]

My ex didn’t like me when I had an opinion about anything if it was different to his. He was like that with me and our daughter. If you tried to put your point across he basically said that it was wrong. Another thing was he’d deny things he’d done or said and call me a liar.
I’ve only left him recently and I’m really struggling but when I read things like this it just brings it back to me the way he spoke to me at times.
Hope you’re ok tonight xx

[Sad and alone]

And again. Is this over sensitive or is it bullying. This isn’t what’s happening but as an example someone gets your bag of crisps and squashes it and puts it back in the cupboard. So when you go to eat them they’re all in little pieces. You ask for that not to happen again and the other person thinks it funny or it’s a joke and says you can still eat them. Then on occasions you find your crisps squashed again. But you don’t say anything, you just eat them like that. So is it someone trying to be funny, wanting a reaction so they can say ha ha, I’m only messing around, don’t be so serious, or is it more sinister and just being plain mean? I know crisps aren’t important, but it’s annoying. Sorry, again, it’s nothing to do with crisps, they’re just an analogy to try and describe what’s happening.

[Indeepindance]

Sad and alone, your last comment really struck me so I felt I had to respond.

I’ll describe a similar but different type of interaction I used to have with my ex that made me feel I might’ve been being too sensitive or grumpy.

I had something happen that was upsetting for me involving a friend who happens to be part of a particular community.  My ex found it really funny to mock the situation (in between giving really good advice about it) but also to make jokes about my friend’s status including their wider community, which I was really uncomfortable with and cross about. So I would tell him to stop, and I would defend my friend and said community, I asked my ex eventually was he phobic and prejudiced, and that I didn’t find it funny and he was out of order.

He continued for some weeks on and off which I found childish and one day I made it clear I was serious and that I didn’t want to hear it anymore.

Long story short I asked someone is it ever okay behind closed doors for such jokes, and was told, no, but what about the disrespect towards yourself and the repeated boundary crossing despite your requests for him to stop?

I was shocked I had missed that, so yes, I would say that this behaviour you describe is pretty disgusting and shows a disregard for you and your feelings.

Try to imagine yourself doing this to someone else you love.  That’s how I realised how abusive it was because I could not inflict upset on anyone like that and I’m sure you’d feel the same.  Not to mention would they accept the behaviour the other way around!

Xxxxx

 

 

 

[Sad and alone]

Thank you @Indeepindance. I think the problem is this thing is something so small and silly. It doesn’t hurt anyone but it’s just annoying. Makes me think am I overreacting, is it really a joke, am I meant to say ha ha, you’ve been at it again?! But like you say if I think about it the other way around I wouldn’t do it to him. Maybe once but if he said he didn’t like it and obviously didn’t find it funny I wouldn’t keep doing it. I also think maybe it’s happened by accident but I think that would be hard to do. Although I am sure if I asked him straight out he would deny having anything to do with it. I think there are so many little things I pick up on, rightly or wrongly, it’s difficult to sort out what is intended and what isn’t.

[Sad and alone]

Still it continues as well. Last night I asked if (detail removed by moderator). Then I’m told I’m a (detail removed by moderator).

Today I went out – fine, we’d been talking. When I come back he’s on his way out and standoffish with a frown. So maybe I’ve done something or he’s been thinking something over.

Last night I had two dreams with him being abusive, once to me and once to a relative which I found really upsetting. I remember thinking I’m going to have to call the police this time as it wasn’t me he was doing it to, and trying to think where the phone was and how to get to it. It got in my head and made me worry about something like that happening for real. He has a low opinion of my relative. There have been times where he has been rude in a roundabout way, and last time they visited he openly berated me continuously whilst they were in earshot. I’ve tried saying to this relative that we don’t really get on anymore and they say it’s stress caused by trouble we have with third parties or that all relationships have bad patches.

[Indeepindance]

I understand your pattern of thinking, I’m still minimising how my ex behaved (self-gaslighting) due to doubts over my own sensitivities and triggers (sensitivity should not be viewed as negative).

It doesn’t matter how small or silly you feel it is, the point is your feelings are being disregarded. It would be better than nothing if he at least asked you about why you felt that way, as a way of showing concern and understanding you more so he can be more considerate in future if it was something he genuinely hadn’t understood before.

But I’d say you’ve made a very reasonable request for your property not to be damaged, let alone not to be bullied by the  behaviour continuing, which is more serious.

Maybe he has trouble being stood up to, he’s certainly immature, and definitely unkind. I doubt very much it was an accident. And any denial would be gaslighting you.

I questioned my own behaviour when challenging my ex over house rules that made no sense or only seemed to apply to me, I worried I has overstepped boundaries because he callled me childish at the time for asking questions, but realise now that some of his requests had been unreasonable, yours most certainly is not and his response reminds me of the nasty kid who stamps on your sandcastle, just because they can and they know how much it will hurt you.

Xxxxx

 

 

[Indeepindance]

Sorry I know the crisps example wasn’t real but this still stands even if it was! Xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

I’ve been questioning this again recently.

I was on my way to help him with something and stopped to, let’s say as an example, shut a gate. He called over saying leave it, don’t worry about it. I was worried the gate would damage something. But I didn’t shut it as he’d told me not to. But why didn’t he just let me shut it?! It wasn’t anything that was delaying him but he made out like hurry up, I want to get on. It felt like he had to control that thing, and then criticise me for wanting to do it.

He tells me something else is my responsibility and I’m to make decisions. First of all he was talking about something as if we hadn’t done it before or I was dropping the ball. I decided how I wanted to do this thing but he kept saying I should do it another way. He got s****y with me and made a sarcastic comment about how I know it all and that’s why I do so well for myself. Then he went off and was doing something else and I could hear him complaining to himself about me! Just an example really of how my decisions are okay as long as they’re the same as his.

He makes me feel conscious of everything I’m doing. Making comments about how I don’t bring anything in financially. Then stupid things like complain if I fall asleep on the sofa. I don’t know why it’s a big deal. He says I should go to bed if I’m tired but if I do go early he’ll make comments about that. Can’t win. I don’t sleep very well and then he’s questioning that asking why. Like I know. Although no doubt related to the shitshow that is our relationship. Then says maybe I shouldn’t have a drink. Like I’m knocking back a load when I only have a couple. But now I feel conscious of that and makes me not want to even have a drink as I’m thinking what’s he thinking or is he going to use it against me.

[Indeepindance]

Oh you’ve described my ex to a tee I can’t believe how similar they are.

Your gate analogy, have you also realised that you didn’t trust your own decision-making or were worried enough about his comment, that you didn’t just shut the gate anyway no matter his opinion?

I found myself doing what I was told, against what I wanted to do or felt was best. It left me feeling inferior and pretty resentful.

Occasionally I’d do it my way but of course would get ‘why do you never listen’ and other verbal attacks on my ‘faulty’ thinking.

And I’ll bet if you hadn’t shut the gate, he would’ve barked at you to ‘shut the gate!’ as if you were stupid for not seeing it needed doing. Or you would have at least been second guessing yourself and imagining what he might say, whichever decision you made or action you took.

It’s a horrible state of mind to be trapped in and can you imagine turning the tables on them and how they’d react to being told or ordered in a condescending manner what to do all the time.

It’s definitely about control and the question of holding him up, that reminded me that my ex either complained I needed to learn to slow down as he didn’t like the way I moved around, and his assertion that I would end up breaking something. But other times he’d be irritated at me taking too long, like what gives?!

I remember he put the same pressure on his child, stressing them out before school by getting them up late then moaning at them to eat, wash and dress quickly, saying come on, come ON! Then racing through traffic knowing his child hates being late. So unfair when he was dictating how much time their child had to get ready, which was not enough.

They really do want you to think and exactly as they prescribe in any given moment, but it changes so you just cannot predict the best thing to do which is incredibly stressful.

I remember on the days I wanted to have a drink I would worry about getting one so much that I’d have to take a mental run up to it, or state out loud first what I was going to do or that I fancied a drink tonight. I felt like a child and the adrenaline would start coursing through my veins before I’d even done anything, because I knew even if he didn’t SAY anything about it, I would feel the disappointment and judgement in his micro body language. I absolutely hated it that he was watching me and I didn’t feel like a free woman. Worse that I was painted as someone who couldn’t look after myself or make good decisions, and was potentially ‘not right’ for him after all.

It’s a really damaging environment to be living in and I get why you’re feeling as bad as you do. I hope you’re able to find a way out some day as you deserve a peaceful, supportive existence.

Xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

Yes it is like that. Do I make my own decision and shut the gate anyway and then get further berated for what was deemed as me time wasting, or do I leave it and let him micro manage what I’m doing. You can’t win either way.

That same day we had some visitors arriving. I had messaged them to tell them what to do if I wasn’t there. When we got back he said they were there. I acknowledged this and went to see them. But, I made the mistake of stopping and doing something first. Now this wasn’t anything time-consuming, it was literally a minute. I didn’t need to do it but I just stopped whilst on my way to see the visitors. He started muttering and shaking his head and repeating that they were there to which I again acknowledged. I then went to see them. He said this was bad. I should have gone straight to see them. Because he thinks this is what I should’ve done it means I was wrong stopping for a minute. (It would make more sense if I could say what but would only get moderated.) I didn’t drive off somewhere, or spend a longtime elsewhere without seeing the visitors. I stopped and spoke to them as I made my way back to the house. And they knew I might not have been there and what to do in my absence. They weren’t locked out of anywhere or sat in their car waiting. Just ridiculous. He says I was rude and kept them waiting. I am not a rude person and I didn’t keep them waiting, I just didn’t do as he thought I should’ve done. It’s exhausting as this flick of a switch can happen for any reason at any time. Prior to that we’d been working together fine.

It is sad that a lot of the time I just do as directed as I don’t want to start an argument but like you say it makes you resent them. I get told I should listen to him as he’s giving me advice and trying to help me. He says if anyone else told me to do something I’d just do it but because it’s him I fight against it. He doesn’t get that I’m capable of making my own decisions. I truly think he thinks I’d collapse and die without him! When I point these things out, times when he’s overruled or criticised my decision-making, he always responds by playing it down or saying he’s trying to help. So then it makes you feel like you’re being ungrateful or horrible.

[Indeepindance]

Oh I really feel you, we’d have a lot to chat about over a glass of wine wouldn’t we!

I always wondered why do these little things bug him out so much or is it just me in general he’s fed up with? I also suspected he was worried about our relationship as I was due to move out to give us some breathing space, and the symptom was him being overly nitpicky. So I wonder what’s really behind your situation.

What you did regarding the visitors sounds so reasonable and efficient I’d say! It made sense to me that you would deal with a quick something on the way to doing something else. Women are skilled in that way, maybe he felt inadequate that he hadn’t noticed or done that job himself, but definitely was offended by your making a decision all of your own (how very dare you!) and in his mind, deprioritising his orders.  Again, god forbid you should operate independently, and anyway you still went to meet the visitors a minute later so what on earth was his beef?!

You were not rude and it’s not like they were able to see you stop to do something  on the way, and even if they had, I could guarantee they’d have been cool with it.

I often could see much better ways of doing things or simply recognised it mattered not, certainly not enough to have a bust-up over.  Ironic how mine would end up telling me to ‘calm down’, or say ‘big deal’ after he’d started something, eventually I realised and would say it back to him and remind him where it had all begun when I’d been minding my own business.

I hated him telling me he was just trying to help and it was ‘up to me and I don’t have to take his advice, he’s just saying’ but with that tone and look of don’t say I didn’t warn you when it all goes wrong.  This advice always comes uninvited doesn’t it, yet the incredulity when I ever offered my opinion on something, was like I’d questioned his very existence! Remarkably sensitive aren’t they yet very aggressive with it.

Haha yes I said to mine a few times ‘you must wonder how I ever coped before you came along’ and I just don’t think he got it. And I agree with you they manage to suggest and make you feel like you’re so ungrateful, in many other ways too, until I realised recently that it was easy for him to say from a position of always getting his flipping way!

And how I regret never saying to him how ungrateful he was to have me around trying as hard as I was, bending and bending for him, following in his path, doing his activities and interests never mine, doing everything his way, bowing to his orders over matters relating to me and taking his c**p.

Yours sounds like he’s playing the victim very well and painting you as the villain. Try to remind yourself of your worth and have confidence in your abilities and judgement. Just because he says something about you, doesn’t make it true. You be your truth and look after yourself, I hope you’re okay.

Xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

Thank you for the kind words! Why is it so comforting to hear others say they recognise what you’re saying and have been there themselves? I guess it makes you feel less alone at least.

The thing I stopped to do wasn’t a necessity and that was his argument. That I could have gone back and done it after I’d seen the visitors. This isn’t it, but let’s say I stopped to make a fuss of a dog, something like that. Something you do in the moment. We had a massive argument (detail removed by moderator), if you can call it that, it’s more like listening to him tell me what an awful person I am. It went on for hours. During which I raised this point and said what did it matter whether I stopped for one minute and he was adamant that what I’d done was wrong. (detail removed by moderator) He’s been like this before over a similar issue, not allowing me to make my own decisions.

I don’t know why they are bothered by such small things. Our argument (detail removed by moderator) stemmed from him constantly asking me how I was feeling after I’d said I hadn’t slept well and had a physical ailment. Nothing serious. (detail removed by moderator) Then he asked me how I was and why did I think I felt ill more than once and the last time I said something like he didn’t need to keep asking me about it and that was it. It’s like he was looking for an in to offload a build up of resentment about the past week where he said how he’d been trying really hard with me and I’d obviously been awful. I said to him he makes the choice of whether to start an argument, I don’t start anything. But the unpredictability of what is going to be the catalyst is so tiring! And as you say at the first opportunity, when I finally break and am so wound up I say something back he’s telling me to stop shouting (detail removed by moderator). Never mind everything he’s been doing til then. Infuriating. Yet I’m still here today, as usual.

Yes I have said the same, I was alive before I met you! Although I think he thinks he knows me completely. Even last night making comments saying I was a certain way when I was a child. Nothing complimentary obviously.

I think he is playing a victim when he says things like only trying to help or give advice. It doesn’t matter what it is. But I haven’t asked for help or advice. So if I’m happy doing something my way that should be the end of it. Especially when he tells me certain things are my responsibility. And then the next breath he wants me to make decisions about stuff and have ideas and be creative. Really can’t win.

[smolmouse]

You’re definitely not overly sensitive!

 

I’ve had (eerily) similar experiences over the past few years. I’ve been called a child, stupid, a streetwalker, blah blah blah, only to be told it was him being a troll. These men are beyond help, you can’t win with them because they don’t accept logical arguments as a weapon. In my case, it’s threats of violence straightaway, and then the threats actually become reality. And it can be over the most trivial things, like eg. spilling some water.

 

I’ve been told my entire life story by him, I had no idea my parents were abusive and I was adopted. Wow, he has some supreme knowledge! I’m obviously stupid, speaking several languages means nothing, having an education means nothing, however cooking and cleaning are the most important things ever. If someone likes to cook, sure, but that won’t be me. But how dare I think like that!

I read Lundy Bancroft’s book, and while it does cover a lot of ground, I found it a bit superficial. People don’t abuse just because, there’s always a hidden reason behind it. The stuff they hit us with is, in my experience, stuff they either feel themselves or stuff they’ve seen or gone through at some point.

 

It’s a horrible situation to be in, and I count myself lucky because there are no kids involved and I own the property I live in. It must be unbearable if that’s not the case.

 

[Sad and alone]

A streetwalker! That’s a term I haven’t heard in years! I’m told I’m a child, we have a father/daughter relationship, I’m not a woman, sometimes not a real woman. I’m a moron, stupid, failure, gutless, pathetic, frigid, boring, mental. Told he has no respect for me. Yet he loves me and wants things to work out. Go figure. I say if I’m all these things why on earth would you want to be with me? But the answer is always that I just need to change.

Any logical answer to questions, or more so logical questions I put to him, are pushed aside. He will literally veer off to a different subject because he knows there’s only one answer and he doesn’t want to say it as it’ll mean he was or is wrong.

I started reading Lundy Bancroft and consumed the first part as recognising certain behaviours was comforting. But I’ve not finished it. I don’t know if it was wading through parts that were irrelevant… I know it says not all of it will apply but still felt obliged to read it all. I might go back to it and skim over parts that aren’t familiar.

The one thing I always wanted and never got was a family. I get told if I’d had kids I’d have been better, more like a woman, I’d’ve grown up. But now I think how would that have been? A b****y nightmare I imagine. So probably for the best as I can’t drag myself out of this place, let alone with children, and I admire anyone that does, as well with having to face a future of co-parenting with their ex.

[smolmouse]

Yes, apparently I ‘walk the streets’ when going shopping.

All the things you mentioned he calls you overlaps 100% with the things I get to hear on a regular basis. The whole thing is even crazier when taking in consideration I’m older than him.

He calls me naive all the time, just because I’m reasonably polite. Politeness is a basic thing, but it can also be a mask. I’m not supposed to be polite to men because they all want to have sex with me. Even if that were the truth, which I strongly doubt, I can say no. I’m sick and tired of being reprimanded like a small child (detail removed by moderator)

I don’t have kids either, never wanted them when younger. Now I’d be okay with having one, but just one. Kind of like after having tried all the things in life I wanted to try, I’d try that too.

This conversation about being mature vs immature is desultory anyway. If we look at child development, there are certain traits/behaviours children are supposed to outgrow at a certain age. Eg understanding that not everything revolves around you. If these developmental milestones are never reached and the behaviours persist in adulthood, the individual can be called immature.

Unfortunately, some people never reach said milestones, and  when they have children, the behaviour gets transferred to the offspring. Then suddenly everything revolves around the child. The results is that we have parents who, instead of parenting, get annoyed when others make a remark about their screaming kids.

It’s fascinating though how abusive men seem to have their own textbook they all follow to a T.

 

 

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone you’re absolutely right, it shouldn’t matter! The times I ended up frustrated, confused, angry, hurt, upset, distraught over something so trivial that could’ve gone unnoticed or at best positively acknowledged instead, to then be told to calm down for God’s sake all I said was blah blah blah, big deal chill out and just listen yeah…. Oh.My. God. It took me a long time to recognise it wasn’t me who needed to chill the hell out, it was HIM!

Same in your situation, what is wrong with him that he needs to hyper-focus on you like that, it’s intense, suffocating and torturous to be honest.

As an example I started to wait until mine was out of the room before doing certain tasks in an attempt to avoid his scrutiny, even down to opening the fridge, I kid you not. Even then he might come flying back in if he ‘heard’ something and interrogate me. And if he did come back unexpectedly and startle me I realised I was high on adrenaline, jumping out of my skin as if I’d been caught having an affair or something, it was toxic, and he had the gall to tell me I had problems.

Smolmouse I had the same accusation levelled at me about being naive and men getting the wrong message- all this whilst he met up with a female colleague outside of work and gave his number to a single female neighbour, unreal whilst I wasn’t allowed to pass the time of day with a male neighbour in case he ACTUALLY thought I WOULD ‘see him around’ and take advantage of me, (as if I get no say in the matter)!

They really can be so similar at times, a lot of differences which adds to our confusion but ultimately the underlying control is apparent.

Xxxxx

 

 

[Sad and alone]

Ah yes, I hate the feeling of being “caught”. My big one is my phone. I get told I am on my phone all the time, I don’t use it for anything good like earning money, I’m just a zombie staring at the screen. Now, like anyone, I do scroll social media, but not for long as it’s never that interesting and usually so much irrelevant rubbish and ads I get bored. I also may message a friend or two. Or I could be researching or reading up on something, or looking to buy something, or actually doing something he’s asked me to do. Whatever it is if he “catches me” I immediately feel guilty, like I’m doing something I shouldn’t. Sometimes I feel like I have to say what I’m doing, or that I won’t be on it long, to kind of preempt him saying something to me.

[smolmouse]

Indeepindance, I’ve also experienced stuff like what you describe with the fridge. They all follow extremely similar patterns. And the ‘interrogation’, jeez!

 

Oh yes, the naive thing haha. We had this huge song and dance a year ago where we were outside (detail removed by moderator) taking place nearby. We ran into an old (detail removed by moderator) whom I hadn’t seen for several years. We said hi and exchanged pleasantries, and the crazy man actually threatened my (detail removed by moderator). After that ‘incident’, the abuse really took off.

Apparently, I was ‘too polite’ and should’ve been rude to the (detail removed by moderator). Sorry, but my parents put in a lot of effort to raise me properly, which includes  being civil to other people. He went so far as demanding I give him the (detail removed by moderator) number. He actually called the guy and met up with him, asking him to go (detail removed by moderator) with him. Why not just go full hog, buy a single glove, dramatically throw it on the ground and challenge the guy to a duel, preferably with both a sword and a pistol – and maybe also a banana, because why not?

 

Now that I’m about to sell my flat, my (detail removed by moderator) advice has come in very handy. The dude is actually very understanding and was happy to give me some pointers re the sale. But I’m stupid and naive.

[smolmouse]

These men seem completely broken. In the case of my perp, he’s the unhappiest person I’ve ever met in my entire life, constantly expecting someone to enter his life to take away the unbearable burden of being him. He doesn’t understand that happiness comes from within, the rest is all just lovely ornamentation.

 

They’re sad, broken people with low self-esteem they try to bolster by exaggerating their achievements and importance. What an awful existence.

[smolmouse]

He went ballistic about male (detail removed by moderator) looking at my property. My dog, how can I be in the same room as a man?

 

Again, no cultural or religious reasons here, only 100 % organic unrefined insanity.

[Indeepindance]

Smolmouse What is it with the fridges?!  So odd, like I couldn’t touch things without him leaping into rescue mode to stop me damaging something, he’d move things out of my way, take over what I was doing, I wasn’t even allowed to move a t-shirt off the sofa to sit down. How could I break that ffs?!  It was all so dramatic and made me feel pretty rubbish.

And the grillings, wow. Yes they’re all so alike in how they frame it, when he did it he said it was about respect within a relationship and that we should be able to answer these questions no matter what. But if I asked questions, I was weird, paranoid and suspicious for doing so. Either way I was told to ‘calm down, I’m only asking’ or ‘leave me alone, you’re being aggressive in your questioning.’

Oh good grief your situation you described is off the scale- yes how dare you be polite to another man-bet your ex could if the tables were turned though!

Insanity indeed, how did we ever live it. I hope everyone going through it manages their escape.

Xxxxx

[smolmouse]

Deepindance, I was deemed too stupid to do anything properly, e.g. too d**n dumb to close the fridge door.

 

I once bought three packets of (detail removed by moderator) and put them in the freezer. After a few months, he remembered the (detail removed by moderator) and then decided there had actually been four packs. Cue accusations of ‘who cooked the (detail removed by moderator) for you?’, ‘who did you cook the (detail removed by moderator) for?’

 

I hate cooking more than anything else on earth, it makes me feel dirty and exploited. I’d rather scrub toilets (at least there’s bleach involved which smells nice, with cooking it’s just one stinky type of food after the other) than cook, and he knows that. Also, I have exactly zero friends, and even if I had tons of friends, why would they come to my place to cook? Like, excuse me? He was convinced I’d had some men cook these ridiculous (detail removed by moderator) for me. He gave me the third degree, and when I started getting angry he told me he’d ‘caught’ me.

In my case the worst thing is he yanked my hair so hard it broke off in so many places I’m now left with half the hair I used to have. My looks mean everything to me, so you can imagine how I feel.

[smolmouse]

While he’s making up absurd stories about (detail removed by moderator), he’s allowed his ex to stay at his place. She conveniently feigned some sort of malady so he’d take pity on her.

But that’s different, because Bébé needs help. Despite Bébé missing her (detail removed by moderator) (and I’m not joking!), I strongly suspect he’s cheating on me with this perfect specimen of a woman who can do no wrong.

[smolmouse]

Indeepindance, apparently I’m too stupid to fold shirts. I’m also too stupid to clean (nope, I just hate it), totally stupid for practising impeccable personal hygiene and too stupid to prepare pot noodle. Yes, he actually asked me whether I was even capable of preparing pot noodle.

[Sad and alone]

Something was in the news about (detail removed by moderator). I disagreed with his view that if you have (detail removed by moderator) but because I hadn’t agreed with him he started taking offence, so I just backed down. Why is it that we can’t have our own opinions and accept that? Why is there a need to try and force me to say the same as him?

I said I was going to get ready and he asked what I had to do to get ready as I was only going (detail removed by moderator). I mean, this is literally wash, dress, put a bit of cream on my face and draw on some eyebrows. It’s nothing exciting, no make up, no fancy hair do, no inappropriate clothing. Why do they need to say that?

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone it’s to make you feel stupid and question your own choices and actions, to appease their insecurities and control you further.

Mine would say the same about me getting ready- it started with ‘you don’t need to do all that for me’ then it was pointed out that I made myself look extra nice when going out without him for the day and he said ‘can you make yourself look nice for me today like you did the other day’ then he starts to ask ‘why do you do all that?’  Absolute mindf*ck!

I reminded him he told me early in our relationship it didn’t matter what I looked like and that it would’ve been better reinforced if he’d told me every day I looked nice whether I’d made an effort or not.

Smolmouse, oh I hear you. I wasn’t trusted to plug in a socket correctly, had to be shown how!

Xxxxx

 

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone I forgot to reply to your post about feeling guilty for being on your phone.

That was also a huge issue for him, he would make me feel bad for scrolling through rubbish even though I’d told him time and time again I would focus on things that I found useful or relaxing. I actually started to wonder did he have a point that I was too dumbed down being drawn into that stuff, but like you even when I was doing something important I’d be questioned hard as if I should’ve be on the phone at all. I would explain this is my computer whilst I’m visiting you, you have your laptop and I’m just doing emails etc. like you are.

But I realised it didn’t really matter what I was doing on it, he just wanted to make it an issue even though when I’d asked him why he took his phone (that apparently he didn’t need or want and had nothing on it apart from text calls oh and Instagram…..!) to the bathroom, he replied ‘it’s my phone I’ll do what the f*ck I want with it.’

So it’s all okay for them to do isn’t it. He had a go at me for watching c**p on TV like really questioning my whole character, but he watched some real rubbish with the excuse he could afford to because he’s grounded.

It’s a horrible feeling of being watched and judged like that. Sometimes I’d hold my ground and ‘what?’ Other times I’d pretend I hadn’t noticed him glaring. When I did start to ignore my phone, guess what he started to tell me to do… check it because a message just arrived!

Urrggghhh they really don’t see themselves do they.

Xxxxx

 

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