Overcoming co dependancy and no self esteem

[barbiek]

I’m (removed by moderator) out of my abusive relationship and I dont want to be with him anymore but we share a daughter and he still gets chances to put me down telling me I’m ugly and no one will want me. I dont struggle with not being with him but I’m struggling being alone and dont know where to start with building my confidance? It’s got so low I have to avoid mirrors because I’m bursting into tears if I see myself. Where do I start?

[Cuppatea]

Hello Sweetheart,

I’m so sorry you feel that way. And so sorry he still has that control over you even though you have managed to get away from him and it’s been (removed by moderator). Well done for moving away. Sadly with kids being involved it gets slightly sticky and one of the reasons why the abuser wants to have contact with the child is so that he can get to you and control you. So in his mind your daughter is merely a tool to get to you.

First of all I would recommend you having a third party between you and make sure he can’t get to you. This is called indirect contact. So for example if you have a family member whose house you can go to and drop your daughter off there and he can somehow collect her from there. You don’t need to be in the same room as him if that is what you want. If he is doing all this to get to you seeing that he can’t get to you he will give up. But the more he sees he can still get in your head he will try to.

This man has occupied your thoughts so much that even when he isn’t around he somehow makes you feel like you’re nothing. Which is disgusting. But you need to tell yourself you are amazing, you are strong and you are capable of love which is so deep that the ocean would be jealous. And how dare he stay in your mind without ever paying the rent?! You are so much better than him and he does not even deserve a second of your time.

In terms of confidence I would recommend focus on yourself. Occupy yourself around people who uplift you and make you feel amazing. Surround yourself around positivity. Do what you love. Set yourself some goals.

Like for me:

I want to lose weight so I can be sexy.
I want to be my own boss.
I want to love myself so I can love others.

Others:

I am strong.
I am in control of my own happiness.
I am a free spirit, I am in control of my own life.

I am in a similar situation as you so PM me whenever xx

[diymum@1]

Hi awe I’m sorry to hear this xx it’s part of the abuse I was told the same ur ugly your boring no one will want you. It erodes our self worth it would with most people when they here this over and over. I’m working on myself just now my self esteem but it had taken counselling to get here. How you are feeling is down to him. You can never rely on an abusers opinion they think in a really strange way not realistic xx have you thought about getting a third party for contact and handovers ? This is what I did after years of trying with child contact. I learned after lots of trial and error that’s it’s very I unhealthy for you and your child and also your child will see that you are strong and you are worthy XX every human being is worthy and beautiful in their own right you are no exception sweet heart xx love diymum

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