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I’m really not sure if I’m in an abusive relationship. I feel like I’m overreacting as I read some other survivors’ stories and my situation just seems so trivial I’m not sure if it truly is abuse I’m experiencing.
Some of the things my partner does:
If I don’t put makeup on or wear my hair curly instead of straight he puts me down. Normally a sarcastic comment like “oh you look nice”
If I don’t want sex he sulks and makes me feel bad. He expects sex daily.
If I want to go out he complains that he has to “babysit” the kids. It makes me feel guilty for going out. I stayed out later than planned once (kids were in bed) and he phoned me up to have a go. He said it was because he can’t sleep until I’m home and he had work the following day.
He always checks my phone (he looks over my shoulder) and asks me what I’m doing. He says he’s kidding when he does this but I’m not co
If I want to do something by myself (e.g. Sit downstairs and watch what I want to watch on the telly) he makes comments intended to make me feel bad.
Am I being silly? In other ways he’s the perfect bloke. Help!
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Hello and welcome. Yes, I’m afraid he ticks all the boxes. The fact that you’re on a forum like this speaks volumes. Your gut is telling you something is very wrong but your head just can’t work it out or doesn’t want to accept the truth. That would mean that the man you loved is not the person you thought he was. You’re changing your behaviour to suit him. I used to say I would do it to keep the peace. The sulking about sex. Sex without consent is rape. Having sex because there are consequences if you don’t, is rape. Think back to the early days of dating him. Abuse always gets worse. My ex bagan with sulking. Then came the aggressive tantrums. Finally he just carried on regardless. It’s very confusing for us when they say things like he can’t sleep till you come home. It makes you feel guilty. Makes you think twice about staying out again. That’s how coercive control works. Ring the helpline or pop into your local women’s aid.
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OMG that first sentence I had to double check I wasn’t reading my own recent post which was very similar.
I get the accusations of texting other men if i want to sit by myself or be on my own. What KIP says about keeping the peace is so true for me, I’m naturally a peace keeper like my mum, ‘anything for an easy life’ type person so it’s very difficult for me to stand up to him as he knows I hate tension and arguments.
Keep reading and posting and you’ll start to believe yourself more and more. I’ve been everywhere, including posting on this forums several times to try and “confirm” what I’m experiencing is abuse and I’m still not 100% convinced but getting there. I’ve spoken to the helplines, my local women’s refuge, the NSPCC (I have a daughter), friends, parents etc. and they all agree. The other thing I”m doing is keeping a list, so whenever he does something I think is abusive towards me or my daughter I make a note of it, that when I come to talk about it in future I’ll have a reference as I forget things easily.
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Hiya, I am also constantly questioning myself & even when I get the same confirmation from people & exclamations of shock I immediatly think, no you’ve got it wrong, I didnt mean that ,he couldnt help it.
I have been with the same man since I was a very vulnerable,homeless teenager – (detail removed by Moderator) years before I realised I could no further when,he ,having banned all contact with our eldest daughter he then threatened to throw out our son for saying he wanted see his sister after a (detail removed by Moderator) year ban.It is like reading a book & suddenly realising it is about me – such a shock, I still think I am over reacting & being the ‘cruel selfish conniving b**** ‘ he told our son I am.
I have a meeting at Womens Aid next week but am terrified that they will turn me away for wasting their time
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I didn’t think my ex was abusive until I started to get flashbacks a month or two after I left. I am an intelligent well educated woman. My brain still couldn’t get my head around what he was doing until then. Being emotionally abused robbed me of the ability to think straight or understand what was going on. And he had hit me multiple times before I left. I thought it didn’t count because he never hit hard enough to bruise me, just hard enough to scare me.
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Yes I’m afraid he sounds abusive and reminds me of my ex. They are clever because they hide it well, until it escalates by which point you are in serious danger. All of his behaviour points to him wanting and expecting control over you, manipulating you to get it and punishing you if you try to have some freedom.
My ex was similar, he used to hold my hair up when it was down implying I should wear it up and say ‘I just like to see your face that’s all.’ He also used to look over my shoulder at texts, yet had a lock on his phone and would never leave it somewhere I could see it (because it turned out he was cheating). He guilt tripped me for wanting to do things without him and used to get sort of panicky if I wanted some time to myself so I dedicated my weeks to him to the detriment of everyone and everything else. I mistook it as him being keen on me/romantic at first but I gradually pieced all the pieces together to reveal a much darker truth. In the end he became aggressive, threatening and I became very scared of him. He was not at all the nice man he appeared in the beginning. He also became quite harassing and stalkerish when I ended things (due to the loss of control) so if you decide to end things seek help and advice from the helpline so you can get out safely, and definitely don’t tell him your plans.
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