- This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
So basically, about (detail removed by moderator) ago I broke off my engagement and relationship with my partner of (detail removed by moderator). While we had good times together, and loved each other, I had been unhappy for a long time and in denial about it I think because I didn’t think that anyone else would ever love me as much as he did. His anger issues were apparent from the start. I remember first noticing after a few weeks when he (detail removed by moderator). While he never actually hit me, he would regularly shout and swear, call me names and put me down whenever we had an argument. I couldn’t raise issues about anything that bothered me because of this. I know he is probably depressed and has issues, and always felt bad after anytime it happened. I know he is a good person and cared about me a lot. When I decided to leave, I packed what I could fit in a suitcase and took it to a friend’s house, then returned home before he finished work so I could speak to him in person. I only got as far as saying I didn’t feel the same anymore, before he threw the (detail removed by moderator) at me, told me to leave and ran out the house after me in a rage. I was so scared I just jumped in my car and left. The next few days were just nasty messages then he begged me to come along for a talk. I tried to insist that I needed space to think but he was so persuasive I felt I had to go. When I got there I discovered he had trashed the house and was just laying in bed. I felt like I had totally destroyed him and he has also told me several times that I did. He told me he had made a noose and while I was there he held broken glass to his throat, I really thought he was going to hurt himself. I thought I’d made a mistake and I said I wasn’t making any promises but maybe we could give things another go. I didn’t stay for long. When apart from him again, I felt like I hadn’t been true to myself and what I wanted, I’d just felt guilty and sorry for him. This kinda continued in a way for weeks, while I tried to stop contact he continued to beg and plead me for another chance and I felt so confused about what to do, especially as I knew he was in a bad place. During this time he sent messages to my friends and family, including my mum who he insulted for having mental illness and told her that he wanted me dead. I eventually managed to put an end to things (detail removed by moderator) after we had originally broken up. He now tells everyone I strung him along and broke his heart several times. I really feel awful about it all, I never meant to hurt him, but whenever I tried to tell him why we broke up, or why it wasn’t easy for me to just cut ties straight away then he says that I am blaming him for everything and that I am just cruel, heartless, a sociopath, have a personality disorder, etc. I don’t know if his behaviour during or after our relationship really falls into the category of abuse, especially compared to some of the awful stories I have read here, but I did visit my local women’s aid for a brief chat and they seemed to think so. I am on the waiting list for some support there but in the meantime I feel like I am going out of my mind. I am so anxious and paranoid about what he has been saying about me to everyone, I live in a small place and have no idea what people are thinking about me. I also feel like maybe I am just victimising myself to try to make myself feel better when really I am the one who hurt him by leaving so suddenly. I don’t really have a question to ask as such, I feel like I am looking for some reassurance here – I could actually write so much more – but what I really need is an honest opinion on what I have included here. Thanks for reading
-
From everything you’ve described there is no doubt that all of it is abusive behaviour, even down to the part where you’re now blaming yourself for everything.
You have been incredibly strong to get out. You have definitely made the right choice. But you have to carry on being strong. You need to protect yourself in all ways – emotionally, physically and financially.
Do you have to keep in touch with him? Aim for no contact if you can. Don’t reply to his calls, texts, emails. Don’t meet with him to ‘discuss’ things as really there is nothing to discuss. You have the absolute right to leave him, regardless of how he feels or whose fault it is.
Try not to worry about what he’s saying about you. It’s a measure of his desperate and off-kilter behaviour and to be blunt, there’s little you can do about it. Rise above it and don’t react. Don’t feel the urge to explain yourself to anyone. Try to keep a cool head. Meanwhile, keep a record of all communications, such as texts and emails.
If you have financial ties, such as a mortgage or rental agreement, take immediate action. If your name is on the bills, speak to the suppliers.
If he threatens suicide or self harm, call an ambulance and leave it to the professionals.
You are not exaggerating anything. Make use of professional advice. Keep safe. Have courage. Keep posting.
-
Hi there and welcome. I’ve come to realise that it doesn’t matter what type of abuse we go through, there is no sterotypical abuser just the same as there is no sterotypical ‘victim’. Well done on getting away. It’s great to hear your on the waiting list with WA. Just take each day slowly baby step by baby step. Each of us deals with abuse differently during it and afterwards. What ive also noticed is that abusers follow the same school of thought. Once you’re away from him it’s so much clearer, so much so it’s laughable. I’m getting therapy through my doctor, something I thought I’d never use. But heyho! My oh also tells me I’ve broken his heart. One minute he’s all contrite taking full responsibility then it’s Armageddon and according to him out takes 2 which in a breakdown of a normal relationship of course it does. You are not too blame, this is his shame not yours. I’ve only recently left a marriage of (detail removed by moderator), I’ll never go back to live with him, yet because I’m still in some sort of contact I know I’ll never be free of him, so I’ve now made the decision to move away…. you are not victimising yourself. He had treated you abysmally. Who threatens to kill themself in order to keep someone? I’ve learned so much over the past (detail removed by moderator), it took months to leave but I researched and learned, I founded this forum and it saved my life. I realised it was the relationship I wanted to end not my own life even though I’d tried to a few times. This is not an easy road but better a broken engagement than a marriage with children thrown into the mix. He’ll manipulate you, emotionally blackmail you, berate you, get aggressive and all you’ll want to do is run, I know I do. All he’s doing is proving to me I’ve made the right decision. I’ve also come to learn that I don’t need to justify why I left. I’ve had one of his friends tell me to sit down and just talk with him, accused me of breaking up the relationship, look at the state of your oh,obv he didn’t know what he’s done to me over the years and I soon put him right, but do you know what I don’t care what people think, I know what went on, my children are casualties of that war as an I. Keep posting keep learning. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a good start for reading material. Once you start learning it can become bit of an obsession but we do what we do to survive.
Live and light IWMB đź’žđź’ž -
Hello, welcome and well done for getting away. And staying away. What you experienced is definitely abusive. He will continue to guilt trip you, try to make you believe everything is your fault, threaten to harm himself. It’s rare someone who threatens to harm themselves actually do, it’s another way of trying to get you back. Keep resisting and telling yourself it’s not you, no matter what he says. I know it’s easy to say, but I always think “what other people think of me is none of my business”. You know the truth of what you have gone through and so will your friends and family. If possible change your number and see if your family can too, it’s horrible what he said to your mum. Ignore him, try to resolve any joint responsibilities through a third party. Going no contact isn’t easy but the best way. You’re a strong lady and you know you’re doing the right thing. Keep posting, you’ll get lots of support here. Xx
-
Welcome Yellowrosepetal. You’ve definitely been in an abusive relationship and have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The depression, the threats of self-harm; Manipulation. So many of them do this because they have learned early on that it gets them attention and forces people to feel obliged to stay, to feel guilty about wanting anything for themselves, for wanting some happiness at the very least.
You’ve done totally the right thing in getting away. Time to learn to love you now. Give his guilt back to him, you don’t have to carry his burdens.
It can be difficult for some, and you may feel like you want to justify yourself, but you don’t have to. No contact wherever possible is an excellent path to take and will really help you to heal.
-
Thank you all for your replies. I’m overwhelmed that you all took the time to read and reply to my post with such compassion when you are all going through such a hard time too. I have him blocked on everything now and have managed to have no contact for the past few weeks. I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that the relationship I was in for such a long time was actually abusive, because I don’t think it was intentional. He has issues and I always just out it down to “anger problems” but nobody else ever seen it and I never really discussed it with anyone. For a long time, I thought that us loving each other was enough. I started exercising regularly at the start of the year and I think that had a part to play in helping me realise a bit of self-worth and that I could do things I didn’t think I could do. Although he didn’t always treat me right, I believed for a long time that we had an equal and caring relationship. I am beginning to see things differently now but it is hard to let go of the guilt. I met someone not long before we split up. Nothing happened apart from a few messages while we were still together, but we are seeing each other now. The timing is awful and unintentional, and adds to my guilt. We haven’t been public about anything, I know that everyone will think that I have moved on too soon and even those few who know my story probably think that I’m not giving myself time to heal. I know it’s nobody’s business either and that I don’t have to justify myself but I constantly feel the need to. He has been so supportive of everything and has helped me to see how I really should be treated. At the moment I’m living with my friend and her young child. I’m so grateful to her because I have nowhere else to go but I’m also finding it difficult not having my own space and feeling like a burden on her. I share a bed with her most of the time but a couple of times a week then her boyfriend stays over and I’m on the couch. It’s just the way it has to be right now but I feel a bit embarrassed to be so in the way. I’m on the waiting list for a council house and WA are helping to try speed up my application so hopefully won’t be too much longer. I also feel a bit anxious and worried about how things will be when I do move in. I have a bit of savings but will have to start completely from scratch and buy everything from furniture to appliances to flooring to the little things like cutlery and crockery. I have never lived on my own before, I’m a bit scared that I’ll end up hating it because I will have to do it all as cheaply as possible and will be spending so many nights alone. I do feel like I’ve done the right thing, I have good days and bad days but I never realised that when I left it would be such a long road to recovering.
-
What a great friend. I can imagine how you feel there ‘though. I’m sure we’d all feel the same. I’m sure you do everything you can to help out, and your friend probably understands.
It’s scary starting totally new, and with nothing to take with you I know, but you’ll be able to make a new place totally your own in time, and it’s amazing what a few non-expensive personal bits and bobs will do to make you feel comfy and at home. For me it’s scents and smells. So scented candles and diffusers really help.
Search engine for simple things you can make for home decor too. I’m planning on having a smashing time, literally, breaking old crockery to make a small mosaic table for outside.
There are generally voluntary workshops these days in most towns and cities where they take furniture and fix it up or upcycle it then donate it to people just setting up in a new home, or sell it for very minimal prices. It’s worth investigating if there’s something like that in your area. You could pick up some nice pieces. It’s not all rubbish. When my parents passed away I couldn’t store things and couldn’t cope with trying to sell stuff, so I donated loads, and there were really lovely almost new bits amongst that lot.
After living in close quarters with other people for a time it must be daunting to think about being on your own. That’s something you can get used to though, and actually come to enjoy. I love being able to wander about in shorts and a t-shirt (if you saw me you’d understand why that’s not something I could do with people around haha). Having my choice of silly rom com, or trashy tv to watch whenever I want is great too. There’s loads of advantages.
If you are nervous about being by yourself at first, once you have a place ask the police to send someone out to safety check the place. They can give you some recommendations on simple, inexpensive ways to be more secure. I have a door wedge that I put under an inward opening door that shrieks if the door gets opened onto it, you can buy it, and other similar things easily and they are good for peace of mind.
Things will go up from here. Enjoy your new place when you get it, and enjoy making it your own.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
