Overwelmed

[nbumblebee]

Hi, Ive tried not to post lately so many new names ive seen facing such difficulties you just dont feel like your story is worth sharing yet again but I have a question.
Does anyone else feel overwelmed at the thought of whats next?
Ive had many many bad days since I last posted health not been great and my husband has been a mixture of horrible so horribke but yet at times nice.
Im still struggling after years if therapy to accept the word abuse and the more time goes on the more i see the only way to stop it is to leave and thats the one thing ive always said i wouldnt do. So whats my 2024 gonna look like? The same as 2023 and 2022 me moaning on about how he treats me yet still i sit and take it, me fighting to go to work to see friends exhausted with the constant allegations and nastyness that follows when i push him too far by going out or working. The guilt i feel the sadness will go on and on just like the years. But the thought of leaving fills me with utter dread and anxiety and pain so I cant see a way out an ending that will be ok its so overwelming to think about it.
Baby steps i kniw i tell others this all the time but ffs ive been here (detail removed by moderator) years and still i cant see my way through. Some days its all too much the future seems too horrible to think about.

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, it’s been a journey and you’re still on it, nothing wrong with that! The bit I just wanted to ask about was where you say you’re staying because of the utter dread & anxiety. Fear is a funny thing, it keeps us tied into places – better the devil we know, and all that but aren’t you already living with dread & anxiety? Someone I work with recently said anxiety for new experiences, interviews or social occasions is often nervous excitement and if we look at it like that, it could be a good feeling.

Don’t get me wrong the anxiety we feel around our partners isn’t a good version, but perhaps looking at it as anxiety & fear (staying) vs anxiety & excitement (leaving) is an option? I found it really powerful to do what you’re already doing, and think do I want next year to look like this, or the year after that? Dreaming about the ‘what if’ is something he can’t control, whether you take steps towards that vision – only time will tell. Whether you stay or leave, we’re all here for you and you should post as often as you want to xx

[nbumblebee]

This is good advice thank you BB.
Someone also said the other day that if its too hard to think of leaving due to the A word then im to maybe think of it as leaving as we are not compatable anymore maybe that could help but still I cant seem to allow the thought in my head. Hope you are doing ok sweetie xxxx

[Dovegirl]

Hi lovely, please don’t ever feel that your story is never worth sharing. This it what we’re all here for, regardless of where we are in our journey. It’s always natural to feel overwhelmed. You’ve got so many emotions colliding that it’s hard to focus on the ‘right now’ let alone the future. Baby steps all the way. Whatever you want just like @Bananaboat said keep that vision going as they are your goals, not his and that is some definitely you can control.
Take care xx

[nbumblebee]

Thanks I dont have a vision or goals not any more today i cant see a way through tomorrow may be different and it always depends on their moods doesnt it? It shouldnt but it does. But im grateful for your kindness thanks xx

[Darknessallaround]

“Does anyone else feel overwelmed at the thought of whats next?”

Omg yes! I think ‘how am I going to cope with possibly another 20+ years of this….?’

Sorry I don’t have any answers @nbumblebee, I’m still trying to figure it out myself, but I wanted you to know you had been heard. I’ve been here on and off for years too.

Navigating an emotionally manipulative relationship (I don’t like the A word either) is a process, and it’s not linear. Some days we understand it a lot better and think we’ve got it straight in our head, but other days it’s all confusion, pain and overwhelm, and we’re back to square one.

[nbumblebee]

Hey darkness many Thanks sometimes we dont need advice we just need someone to say I hear you I feel it too so I thank you so much means the world.

Its doubt I cant stop the doubt. If i expect him to kick off and he doesnt i doubt myself i think its me all in my head. I think im gonna leave him I am tgen next day Im like no its ne im just attention seeking etc….
I talk myself out of this day in day out do you?

[StrongLife]

Things take time. Took me many years to get out. Many times I left and with no money had to come back and no knowledge of support in area.

Good on you for going to counseling. Keep going. Utilise different counsellors if need be or their funding runs out etc.

[nbumblebee]

Ive been going counselling for well over a year but still I stay still I struggle to accept.
I just dont think I ever will.
I just feel stuck and overwelmed at what ive got to still overcome.

[LozzyX]

Hey bumblebee

Im still here too over 5 years now I think! … Going through the same thoughts and feelings you describe here…
I’m starting counselling in the new yr , last time was about 5 yrs ago .. this time I’ve promised myself to be more open and honest with the counsellor so I can understand myself and why I stay stuck in this hopeless spiral….very yr my husband promises me next yr will be better , every year is worse than the one before. I didn’t think it was possible to feel any more depressed and hopeless than I do now… I nearly left him a couple of times…had a few opportunities this yr, the temporary relief I felt …but then he quickly acts normal again/plays the victim and then I think it’s me , it must be at least part in my head etc etc and so here I still am. Not in a good place.

We have to try and just look after ourselves, still try and do things that are good for us…take baby steps and be kind ….every event/issue we learn and take strength from

[nbumblebee]

Thank you a million times over im so sorry you are here too but to know someone is actually helps doesnt it?
He started again (detail removed by Moderator) told me he wanted to lunch me in the face so bad but wouldnt as that would give me an excuse to kick him out and hes not going!!!!
Its so hard isnt it why do we stay?

[LozzyX]

It does help knowing we are not alone. I think we originally stay because we love them, we hold onto hope…these days it’s through fear and shame , I’m embarrassed I went back after telling my friends and family that he’s awful to me…and I dread what the consequences will be for leaving

[browneyedmum]

Hey nbumblebee!

You are worth it and your story is important– all the years of having to shut up and put up shows so much strength.

There are a lot of new faces, including mine quite possibly. But hey ho, ’tis the season! Am I right?

I have a couple of days when I feel empowered. Today happens to be one of those.

I have many days where I feel all buried under everything that needs to be done to keep my children and myself well and safe.

I have a few days when I feel overwhelmed too. This past weekend was completely bonkers which ended is a largely good result, but now we’re tumbling with the consequences.

A lot of times, this time of year… people tend to reflect and then think about the next year. New Year’s and all that.

Give yourself some grace. You’ve been through a lot. You’ve still got more to go… only when you’re ready.

You’ve had the strength and courage so far to get to this tired space. And only you can dictate your future. It may not seem like that all the time. No one’s coming to the rescue– it’s up to you to rescue yourself… but only as and when you are ready.

I may be a new face who was super-ready to rescue myself. But I didn’t join this board until recently where in fact I’ve been dealing with the neglect and abuse for many years and I was super-charged ready. But I’m not the Jones’s. Don’t compare yourself with anyone else. This is your journey and you choose how it goes.

Be kind to yourself this holiday season xX.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you x

[tiredofitall]

Nbumblebee – I always want to respond to your posts so you know that it’s OK to share, it’s OK to still be there, it’s OK to admit it’s hard and not leave.
Lots of us know that in an ideal world we would have left years ago and the reasons we stay are so complex. It’s never one thing. I’ve done all of the things – left and went back so too ashamed to leave again, had counselling numerous times to help me learn how to live with him (he never went once!) But couldn’t ever be completely honest for fear that that’d call social services or the police. Stuck up for myself, gave in, reasoned, ignored. None of it changed anything, yet I still stayed. I wasn’t ready to let go. Even though I was so unhappy. I wasn’t ready.
Not everyone understands that and you might never be ready but that doesn’t mean we can’t support you. So please keep sharing. It does help others too. I was terrified of people judging me for not leaving but the people on this site get it. xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey lovely Thank you so much for your kind words.
After our fight where he thretened me he went back to being normal no apology no nothing just expected hugs and kisses so he felt better I guess. I just dont know how to respond anymore its all just so hard isnt it. So grateful for this site and to all of you xxxx

[swanlake]

Please keep sharing nbumblebee, we’re all here to listen. I’m also a newbie to this forum but persisted with my abuser for decades.
So many things happened and I was overwhelmed and not aware of how abusive the situation was. In the end it was a tiny thing that resulted in me deciding to have no further contact. I was despatched to do an errand and bought the wrong thing, or the wrong brand or whatever it was that was my heinous offence against my abuser. I had the usual shouting, moaning, nagging etc that I’d experienced hundreds of times before and for some reason that time I decided on no contact and stuck with it unlike previous times.

[Atsah]

It is overwhelming and my heart goes out to you.I stayed in my marriage for over 20 years always thinking it would get better because some days he would be nice or seem more reasonable than normal but they don’t change.it becomes ‘normal’ and you get stuck in like a trance just about functioning, trying not to upset him etc, but it’s not normal there is a better life out there.i am not saying it’s easy to leave because it really isn’t but even though i am still suffering many years after leaving i am in a much better place to deal with things now.It is your decision though but speaking from experience as we all can on here you will get the strength to leave should you choose to, it’s hard to explain but once i had made the decision and believe me i tried several times and backed out again i decided on a date and at that point i had already confided in people i could trust at work and they supported me with the move.whatever you decide we are all in this together.You aren’t alone!

[LozzyX]

Wow Atsah thank you for sharing your experience, it does help to hear this thank you x

[Texas]

Hey

The reason it’s hard to leave is these abusers are brilliant conjurors. They give you this illusion that they are the best thing ever and when things go wrong you want more then anything for that kind person to come back, you change yourself even. It is an addictive cycle which is hard to break free from, so don’t blame yourself for not being ready to leave. It takes time to realise that the real person is the monster. Sending you positive thoughts x

[StrongLife]

As it’s changed to new year – I thought just that. I’ve left and though that. I am fearing a lot and fearful of this situation with ex.

You are not alone in fearing this unknown anxiety

[Author]

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