Overwhelmed

[ZPefsJ]

I am struggling to leave a relationship that I have been in for a long time. I lack self-confidence, believing that I can’t survive on my own but knowing deep down that I need to leave. A lot of the time I live on eggshells, wondering when he will next become angry. Each time he does, it crushes me a little bit more. I have tried to explain how I feel, but he either gets angry or laughs. I know from experience that if I do leave, he can act like a ‘little boy lost’ and this makes me feel so guilty and ultimately, I stay because of it. I know his behaviour is controlling but I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of leaving. I feel trapped in a relationship that makes me so unhappy.

I have read many posts on this forum recently, but I am new to this and have never posted before. Any advice from people who have experienced a similar situation would be most welcome.

[Camel]

Welcome to the forum. Everyone here will understand how you feel. While everyone has a different story to tell they follow the same script.

You will cope on your own. Your partner will never take responsibility or care how you feel or what you think. Your feelings of guilt are standard but misplaced. He hasn’t earned them.

[Ladyluce]

I am in a similar position to you. I have been married for many years to a man who is more often than not, angry, short tempered,is always right, and generally a misery to be around. I have read about personality traits, and I think he has narsisstic tendencies, maybe your partner has this? If so, he will never change, in fact, he will get worse. With my husband, the slightest thing will trigger a rage, dinner cooked half an hour too late, buying the wrong foods, me coming back home half an hour late,angry becauseI haven’t lost any weight,(detail removed by Moderator)  ( I am not obese, I am size 12 to 14), but, as he says,” he hates fat women”. I am thick, stupid,a drongo, and that everyone thinks this whenever I open my mouth, and that I cannot be trusted to say the right thing. I am almost daily told that everyone I meet,says (detail removed by Moderator). These put downs has seriously impacted on my mental health. This is not a normal relationship, I know this, but I have stayed in it. Now, I have made a decision to leave , it will be hard, but, for my own health I must do it. I have tried to make our marriage work, even to the extent of putting up with his behaviour, due to his ill health. I regret not leaving him years ago, I had a good job as a professional, but again, I thought things would get better when he would be ” nice”. Things never will get better, so, leave as soon as you can, and start to enjoy life, as you only get one chance. Good luck, I wish you well. Sorry for rambling on, but, don’t make the same mistake as me.

[ZPefsJ]

Hi Ladyluce, thank you so much for your reply. You situation is so similar to mine, I can relate to all of the things you have said there and put up with it on a daily basis too. I’m so pleased to hear that you have made the decision to leave. I wish you all the luck in the world, we all deserve to be happy don’t we.

[terribleheadspace]

If you can, contact through the directory here an outreach worker for support.
I have found that domestic abuse and/or violence is such a unique experience, think the first step is to try to contact someone who understands the dynamics, mine is fantastic and has given me lots of information on refuges, safety planning inside or outside of the relationship.
Mine does not push me to leave, or victim blame, but did things like a DASH risk assessment, told me about services like putting a high risk marker on my house with the police, they can look up a refuge for you, you can contact a refuge directly also to find out fees and if you cannot afford to stay there they may be able to apply for funding. Lots of support available. If you do have somewhere safe where you can contact someone within the directory, they may be able to help ease your worries and may be able to offer you support where you think there is none, that may help you break down each step and what support is available. My outreach worker offered to meet me at a place that is safe for me.
All communications I have are on a secure email address I never access at home or on my mobile and is not linked to my other email addresses, this may help you also.
Lastly I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, that is one of the worst feelings and I am sorry you are feeling that way. Please keep safe

[Anonymous]

Hi there , the reason your feeling the way you do is his made you feel this way about yourself, so that you are totally dependent on him and wouldn’t be confident enough to lead a life on your own . Your lack of self confidence is a result of how his treated you in the relationship and the less confident you are the more power & control he has over you . I was very much like you , I lost both parents within a year and was very much self reliant on them and I turned to my ex at the time to help me cope as I was literally clueless on everything, he gradually took over my life , bit by bit , my mistake for allowing him to do this , but I became dependent on him thinking he knew best , soon became like you , very unhappy, no self worth , scared to open my mouth , knowing I couldn’t live this life anymore, but scared to cope or be on my own , but let me tell you , I did it ! It was hard at first , but day by day i gradually got my confidence back that he destroyed and I started to live my life and I realised that my ex was so insecure in himself and feeling inferior , he would destroy me to make himself feel better . You can have a wonderful life and future it is out there , believe in yourself, your worth more than this x

[ZPefsJ]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I am so grateful for your understanding, support and advice. It means a lot to me x

[Marmalade]

Yes, I have been there. Its wretched. The terror waiting for the rages and then the threats to get back in line or the relationship ends. On the rare occasion, in a public place, I would say something along lines of OK, end relationship in response, I immediately got the “little boy lost”. Big puppy eyes, following me, pawing at me, saying don’t leave me etc. I got so exhausted and had no strength.
So yes, I hear you. Just remember it’s an act. The aggression has not worked to control you, so he’s changed tack and played to your emotions, knowing you are a kind and empathetic person. It’s wicked. They don’t mean it. It’s totally selfish so they don’t risk losing their supply and get you back in line, knowing each episode grinds you down a bit further.
But you will get there. You are at the first step of realisation. Read about their tactics. One day you will have the strength to get away. Build towards that. Get support if any is available in your area. Claim your life and your personality back. Good luck.

[Author]

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