Pain, doubt and endless fear

[searchingforhope]

I’m so lost, like so many seem to be here right now. Recently separated but he’s given me no peace and ties aren’t fully cut. I’m strugglin with the final cut. Having kids make it difficult. He’s impossible to reason with. I don’t know is it that I’m hoping someday he will listen to my reasoning, but he doesn’t. It’s all my fault, I didn’t do enough, didn’t try everything, just gave up easily, according to him.

I’ve told him I’ve given everything I had to give, loved him best way I could and given my whole heart and still he says, I haven’t tried enough.

I feel he’s chipping away at me all the time. A message saying he won’t give up on me to ones saying he can’t believe I’m the woman he married.

I’m not sure of myself anymore. I think I know it’s abuse and control but he makes me doubt myself so much. It’s like I can’t make sense of anything anymore. Once my day is done and I’ve kids tucked in all I want to do is sleep to get some relief from the torment.

It’s so exhausting and no one can move this forward but me, but I still feel utterly stuck.

[Hereforhelp]

Everything he is saying and doing is designed to confuse you, it is deliberate. In a healthy relationship people separate, co parent their children and move on whilst co parenting. That’s what I wanted when I finally separated from my abusive husband. Decades married and I thought he would step up as a father at least right! How wrong was I, my husband also said the same to me… won’t give up, will be a better person, how he has changed and had therapy, how he would be there for pur children no matter what. I went zero contact in the end as it was the only way. I started to put boundaries in place (I started by stopping him letting himself in our home after separation as he used thus time to keep himself present and would subtly manipulate all of us. Then I made him only pick up and drop off). He still used our children to get to me.

What you wrote…

“I feel he’s chipping away at me all the time. A message saying he won’t give up on me to ones saying he can’t believe I’m the woman he married”.

This is an awful feeling and I am so sorry your husband is putting you through this. In my experience, I had to take baby steps and slowly put boundaries in place (these men do not like boundaries and will do anything to keep you confused). It is exhausting but it does get easier with each baby step you take moving forward.

I wanted to stop mine seeing our teenagers but it had to be their choice. I didn’t run him down to them, I was honest (age appropriate honesty) as and when they asked a question.

Do not believe a word of what your husband is saying to you. Is there any way you can not see him? You cannot reason with these men, they do not behave rationally no matter what as his feelings and wants will always come first for him.

❤️

[searchingforhope]

Thank you, your reply is so much help. Today is the first day considering is there a way I could actually go no contact, if so who could be the third party to help arrange things. I have never even considered that before as I thought it was simply not possible at all.
I am struggling with him not hearing me, not listening and not being able to reason with him. I’m starting to realise that it won’t happen and I need to start accepting that.

[Wants To Help]

Hi searchingforhope,

Hard as it is, you are doing your best and we all know that some days are harder than others.

First thing to accept is this – you will never be able to reason with him. You probably never have been able to and they don’t suddenly become reasonable men once we have left them. Stop trying – you will save yourself a lot of emotional energy.

He is telling you he won’t give up on you. That’s his choice. You have every right to give up on him. Just because someone wants to stay invested in you does not mean we have to stay invested in them, we are allowed to break away and set our self free from something that is not good for us.

He says you are not the woman that he married. He’s right. You’re not. Don’t take it as an insult – thank him for recognising it if you have to! You have grown older, your views have changed, your values have changed and you no longer tolerate or accept things that you once did. We all change as we grow older, but we don’t always change together in the same way. Sometimes we change and grow apart.

Change is scary, as human beings we naturally fear change, but change can often be good. Change can mean new ways of doing things that have better outcomes. We evolve through change.

Look for ways you can make that final cut. Assert yourself with your new found empowerment and knowledge of domestic abuse and do it 🙂

xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks for your post, it’s so helpful. I’m starting to realise that I can’t reason with him and need to start accepting that I won’t be able to. But I guess it breaks my heart that I gave everything of myself to him and its not been enough. I have alot of work to do on myself to try rebuild myself. I’ve used money from a christmas present I hadn’t spent to book a few sessions with a life coach. Hoping it will be worthwhile and help me become stronger again.
Change is terrifying. Although there has been changes in my life since we separated, my day to day life hasn’t changed much as he did so little. SO my workload hasn’t really increased. But I do need to build myself to make the final cut, as the alternative is giving into him to trying again and my gut is telling me that isn’t going to work.

He has been draining my energy enormously recently and I need to limit and stop that again.
Thank you xx

[Bananaboat]

You’re right there’s so many of us here in this same boat right now, so you’re not alone. Can you stop trying to reason with him? Your view is that you did enough, knowing that in yourself is all you need. You’ll never win trying to convince him sadly. If it helps, my ex is doing the opposite at mo and being overly nice & helpful and that’s just as confusing so I don’t think there’s an ideal outcome with these men, everything is designed at manipulating us to do what they want. Hang in there, and if your body wants sleep then let it for a while, you’re recovering xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks for your reply. You’re right, there is no ideal outcome in this.
I do need to stop trying to reason with him and accept that it just can’t happen.

I need rest for sure, I certainly do. My mind needs rest more than anything, its constantly switched on. I guess that’s why I love going to bed, as its a bit of respite.
Doing my best to hang in there day by day. Definitely helps coming on here. Thanks for the support.
As much support as I have, I think they really struggle to understand why I can’t start separation proceedings and keep moving forward. I need to overcome that fear.

Thank you x

[Camel]

Wondering why you’re going the legal separation route when you’re already separated? It’s your choice, of course, but he’ll see it as a temporary arrangement, won’t allow you the peace you crave while you’re still married. He’ll also get the better deal, a holiday from responsibility, part time dad and lots of free time to do what he wants. Meanwhile you’ll have the bulk of responsibility, no free time and no respite from the abuse.

It’s not necessary to have a legal separation if you plan to divorce. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Abusers don’t do reasoning they only do everything I want on my terms only (or let you think things are gonna be really good)momentarily allowing you to believe it’s gonna be ok then back to square one. If you look at what they’re doing it’s the equivalent of a very large manipulating, nagging child having tantrums (but it’s scarier cos they’re bigger) just see them as that and their power lessens over you 🍧🌞✨

[Author]

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