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Hi all,
I bit the bullet and potentially have a flat to go to at the beginning of (removed by moderator). I have told the ex I am moving out with the children (detail removed by moderator)and the only way I will receive the benefits I need to move out is to resign. Its not a paid role but this is what UC want so had to tell him.
I am safe. He took it well earlier…. but he has now had chance to processit and is trying to take back control.
His argurments are
I am not entitled to 50% of house as he paid for vsrious improvements and day to day bills whilst I got in debt just trying to pay food and childcare despite working. I own a (removed by moderator) too which really doesnt help
2. why should he pay me maintenance. It was my decision. (Detail removed by moderator).
3. Why should he look after the kids at the weekemd if I am working??! So he will look after them if I am not working?? I was too stunned to reply to that. Any childcare arrangements need to fit around his hobbies. (Removed by moderator).
Anyway I was saved by kids activities as I could feel my stress levels and anxiety levels rising. I have been to solicitor so I know 50% is correct but I am stewing over all this!! I dont want to talk to him anymore about this today but feeling incredibly anxious and tearful. He is trying to take back control and make me feel sorry for him -
You are not safe. He’s going to go through all sorts of behaviour until he feels like top dog again and no matter what you do now, even if you agree to give him everything he wants, it won’t be enough. He’s not going to be reasonable. You simply cannot negotiate with him. My advice is to leave using a safe exit plan but do not tell him. Then communicate through a solicitor.
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Hi bestchance,
I have some concerns here now that he knows that you are going and that you have resigned from a position in his company. Your strength and determination is admirable, but this is going to leave him in no doubt now that you are serious and he will start to process the impact it will have on him, especially financially. Prior to the increased risk may come a moment of calm acceptance again. Please by very alert and do not let your guard down. I have worked with ladies who have believed they have been able to negotiate a reasonable separation with their abuser but it was all a smoke screen and they were led in to a false sense of security. At the moment they actually came to leave the rage erupted and the physical violence has been quite extreme.
Whether you believe this or not, you are actually in quite a vulnerable situation right now so please be very careful and try not to let him know any more of your plans.
xx
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Thanks Kip and WantstoHelp.
I completely understand what you are saying and yes I am in a vulnerable position at the mo, made worse by the landlord now holding things up for another week. I am doing everything possible to stay safe
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Ladies help!!! The landlord has now decided I cannot have flat until (detail removed)!! And has put the rent up so I cannot afford it!
I am at rock bottom. Everyone has saved me furniture for beginning (detail removed) I have literally had to beg. Now I need to say no.
When will I get a chance??! I just want to make a nice safe home for my kids -
Have you considered an occupation order to have him removed from the family home? Have you explained to the landlord that you’re fleeing domestic abuse? That they have an obligation as a landlord. There is a governing body for land lords you could try or citizens advice may be able to help if there has been an agreement do you have it in writing? Could your abuser have influenced this landlord? Talk to your local women’s aid for support here.
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Thanks for the advice Kip,
I havent considered the non occupation order as, although I owe him nothing, he stores all his work and hobby equipment here and it is extensive. Furthermore, even with help, I would be unable to afford the bills on the house.
I am going through a letting agent who is aware of the urgency of the situation. We havent mentioned to the landlord as he just wants a quiet tenant with no hassle. Luckily the only door to the property is right on a busy High Street which makes me feel really safe and that if he tried to force entry, he wouldnt be able to do so unseen!!
No written agreement for the property as yet. Just wish I could be in asap, especially with the impending potential lockdown everyone is suggedting after Christmas. I have got so much prepared, even booked myself on to the Freedom program in Jan.
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Hi bestchance,
I am so sorry to read this and that your plans have not turned out as you so hoped. I really hope this hasn’t knocked you back to the point of giving up trying to leave. As much as I know this will have been so devastatingly disappointing please keep going. Take some time to rest and gather the emotional strength and determination to re-plan. As the saying goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.”
Big hugs to you,
xx
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