10th November 2018 at 6:37 pm #66846
First post, it’s gonna be a long one but I need some guidance/reassurance that me getting out on my own is the right thing to do. It probably is for my own health and well being but I’m terrified.
I’m (detail removed by moderator) and I currently live with my mum and younger siblings (who are legal adults) in a house that is co-owned by myself and my siblings. It’s our first house. Mum has no financial hold over the house other than the fact that the whole idea of ‘knuckling down together’ and saving money for a house of our own (…again) using our trust money, was hers. I don’t think she’s abusive for any financial gain over the house (though she uses the fact she has ‘nothing’ against us to guilt trip us sometimes) and I believe she has no true malicious intent, but her abusive behaviour, whether she realises it’s abuse or not, is about to drive me out of house and home.
I can’t drive yet and neither can my siblings, so we rely on her heavily for transport (as well as other basic things such as laundry, as she refuses to let us touch it), although I do have a motorcycle license, but no bike due to circumstances. Despite this, I’m looking to rent a one bed flat about 10 mins outside of the town i live/work in, as I didn’t want to be living in the same town. moving out just to live a minute down the road seemed financially stupid even in my situation (and I actually have a creep stalking me living in town but that’s another story). I can likely buy a motorbike or, as a last resort, buy a pushbike and cycle to work until i can properly afford a moto. I have a fairly decent salary and I have some savings to help me, but most of my life savings went when we moved into this place (detail removed by moderator) years ago. Mum owes me in excess of (detail removed by moderator) , she doesn’t work and while she promised to pay me back (detail removed by moderator) for the car I had to buy in an emergency from her pension, she has now decided that my siblings will pay “their share” instead, which I don’t agree with, and that her paying car insurance and food shopping will suffice, whilst I stay home and save, save save! She despises the RENT word and any discussion on the topic of me moving out on my own and doing anything other than buying a house has resulted in me crying hysterically and feeling like the worst person alive.
I know for a fact that if i do leave, I have to do it behind my family’s back (i can’t risk telling my siblings in case it got back to mum). I have an entire escape plan in place with my friend, who has a similarly abusive mother, but i feel so guilty for doing so as I’d be leaving my siblings behind with bill payments (i pay all the monthly outgoings bar one utility which my sister now pays for, as I’m the main breadwinner), as well as the feeling that I’m abandoning ship and absolving responsibility of the state of the house.
I’m seeing the estate agents again on Monday afternoon to talk about the rental (I’ve viewed it, it’s the cheapest but nicest place I’ve seen so far, my friend came with me for moral support and he approves of it too) but i’m effin terrified. I know I can’t stay here, I’m so close to a serious emotional and mental breakdown, it’s affecting my job where I’m supposed to be (detail removed by moderator) , but my confidence and self esteem is so low from living at home and being treated like a child at best and a criminal at worst. I don’t want to divulge endlessly as to what she does in this first post at least, but I’ve had confirmation from my counsellor, friends, coworkers and my own sister that what she does is abuse, and that i’m not crazy. She’s not consistent, but then i guess that’s how abusers trick you into thinking they’re not bad people after all.
I guess to make a long post short, my mum is emotionally abusive and manipulative and I’m close to escaping, but I’m scared of making the jump, i keep trying to talk myself out of it while everyone that knows of my situation is urging me to move out, i’m scared i might be making a huge mistake and that i’ll be back to square one if things go horribly wrong.
10th November 2018 at 7:31 pm #66847
Hello the raven,
You are doing so incredibly, incredibly well.
I think there comes a point in such a situation (and I left my ex some years ago) where you have to ignore everyone associated with the abusive person and strike out on your own.
This is hard. So hard, often. There will be so many people who try to sway your decisions.
My advice is, don’t listen to them. Don’t.
Start a new life, you have done so well holding a job down. My advice is, give your house keys to No-One.
Not your mum, nor relatives, you need some space and deserve it.
all the best hon, keep posting
11th November 2018 at 11:39 am #66873
Thank you freedomtochoose. I’m desperate for some space of my own so i can fully develop myself so i can feel like the adult i am , i’m certain it would help my confidence and ability at work, but i can’t help feel incredibly guilty. I wish that i could talk and reason to my mum about why i’m doing this but i know it will devolve in a violently heavy shouting/crying match which she always wins, this happens even when she’s doing something that invades my privacy, like commenting on my spending after looking at my bank statement (i’m sure that’s illegal? she’s only ever done it the once but she keeps all our statements in a folder for safekeeping, and insists there was a valid reason for it and refuses to acknowledge that she breached my trust and privacy, she simply could have asked me about the transaction she was looking for).
maybe deep down i’m afraid of what my family will think of me, even though i try to convince myself i don’t care. i feel like a bad person for talking negatively about my mum to others (my dad was an abusive n and isolated her in the same way by talking bad about her to their friends and neighbours, amongst other typical things they do), and her own upbringing was abusive too, so naturally i feel like i’m simply adding to that, but others have told me that it’s still no excuse for her behaviour and that i shouldn’t feel guilty. can’t help it i guess, she’s me mum… i think she’s just over protective and doesn’t want me to make any mistakes like she did in life, but it’s stifling and controlling.
still, i hope i’m doing the right thing by sneaking around my family’s back like this…
11th November 2018 at 5:09 pm #66877
You are doing the right thing. No mistake. I am a mother myself of a (detail removed by moderator) and no matter how hard it might get sometimes, I would never do this as having left an emotionally abusive marriage I would see this pattern as abusive too.
I repeat,you are doing the right thing. It is all about (and I see this as a mum – modelling non-abusive relationships and healthy boundaries) and what you trying to do is maintain healthy boundaries around yourself.
17th November 2018 at 9:21 pm #67191
I feel like this has been the longest week of my life
I’ve filled in application and credit reference forms throughout the last few days. naturally i’ve been extremely nervous as i’ve never done it before but also since i’m doing it directly behind my family’s back i feel like i’m a criminal doing it. i’ve gotten the full support of friends and coworkers reinforcing that what i’m doing is for the best but i can’t help shake this feeling of dishonesty.
mum is also getting round to making our house actually liveable in, as if she subconsiously knows what’s going on and it’s throwing me off a bit mentally.
it’s all moving kinda fast actually. i keep having relapses and getting very upset over it but it’s happening…
17th November 2018 at 9:59 pm #67192
Keep strong raven. I feel the same. I believe they know us so well, they pick up on our slightest difference to our daily attitudes and behaviours. Once we see them fir the abusers they are, we must change even if it’s very subtly.
Keep strong my love
17th November 2018 at 11:29 pm #67196FlowerchildParticipant
It’s your house! Yours and your siblings’. If your mother is making normal life impossible, surely she is the one who should be leaving?
If you think your siblings are suffering too, why not get together, agree a course of action and communicate to your mother that she must change her ways or leave?
A letter in the form of an ultimatum would do it, I think. Outline what she’s doing that is out of order: opening mail, intruding on personal matters, failing to pay back loans, dominating household chores so you feel like children. Then outline what she needs to do instead. Keep it as clear and short as you can, but make it measurable things so there’s no doubt about whether she has or hasn’t changed. You could give her a month’s notice to change or leave. Where she goes isn’t your problem; if she wants to stay, she needs to make herself pleasant and respectful.
She needs to know all this is non-negotiable. At this point she can’t offer only some change or ask others to change. She’s the problem.
Woukd your siblings stand with you on this, do you think? If they do, you’ll be invincible. If they know you’ll leave if they don’t support you, it might help them pick a side!
Good luck – keep us posted.
18th November 2018 at 1:11 am #67200TiffanyParticipant
Good luck moving out. It’s what I did. Moved out without discussing it and then tried to sort things out with my abuser. It’s not a route I would suggest in most cases now, realising the dangers of leaving an abusive relationship, but in your case I think it is for the best. It will give you the head space to work out what you want next. That might be as suggested above to make your mother move out and return to living with your siblings, or it might be for them to buy you out of the mortgage. Whatever happens though, I think time living alone with no interference from the unhealthy relationships in your life will really help you make a good descision as to what to do next.
24th November 2018 at 9:47 pm #67569
Flowerchild, I have thought about putting an ultimatum through before. There’s unfortunately little chance of that working, for a number of reasons; any moment I start putting my foot down over anything, normally to do with trivial matters like doing the dishes or tidying or me wanting to help out with unpacking/sorting/throwing old junk, she accuses me of bullying her, especially if i at all mention that i’m the main breadwinner/bill payer and that surely I have a say in things. And she’s very argumentative and persuasive. Another reason is that my siblings are heavily reliant on her for transport, my sister especially, so she can get to and from work (both my sister and i are learning to drive but we sure are useless at doing it well! I’ve had to postpone my test as my instructor has told me I’m not ready after all 🙁 ). Getting my siblings to agree to her being kicked out would be very difficult as a result. Funnily enough I remember that being my mum’s actual plan for herself at some point, we’d “kick her out” and she’d get herself on the housing list for being “homeless” but for reasons I don’t know, (although she claims she’s told me, I have no recollection, maybe I just forgot but she refuses to re-explain), that plan has been abandoned.
At this point I’d prefer to be on my own, even away from my siblings. I’m at an age now where living with family is tiresome and, honestly, embarrassing. They’re more like room mates than siblings at the moment. If i don’t make any progress with my life now I fear I’ll be living with my mother until I’m middle aged, and yet still be horribly berated by her if she finds out I’ve eaten sweets! I’m not even permitted orange juice in the house! Getting away from the general chaos of the place would be good for me too (currently we’re not to flush any loo roll down the loo, no matter how dirty, and we get yelled at if she finds any in the bowl, and now the place to throw dirty rubbish is on the kitchen floor?!? Why?!? But she’ll have her reasons, and she’ll continue to change those rules and reasons on a whim, and I can’t say jack about it or I’m the bully).
Ultimately I understand that she just wants me to stay here to save money for a house deposit so I don’t have to pay rent for someone else’s mortgage, renting is surely not the best way to go, but I already own a house. It’s this one. But it’s not a home, no house has been. I don’t feel at ease here at all and my close friends and coworkers have been more than supportive of me leaving and having my own space to be happy. They’re even willing to donate furniture and items for when I move.
I’m just frightened of making the actual jump even at the stage where in 2 weeks, I’ll be signing the agreement. I don’t know why I’m so afraid, the backlash maybe? I get caught leaving and there’s a huge bust up? Or the fear that if it went wrong, and after 6 months I’m broke and miserable, I’d be proving her right? I’m being reassured that everything will be fine, I can afford to do this and while the jump will cost at first and I won’t be able to save as much, I can still save some back and live within my means. If I don’t overcome this hurdle, I don’t know what I’ll be able to do for myself later in life.
But this constant flip flop between fear and optimism is excruciating. I had a meltdown in the ladies room of a bar the other night and collapsed to the floor in silent hysterics…
24th November 2018 at 11:29 pm #67582
Hello there, you are doing so well. You have to look out for yourself, no one else will. We are or own knights in Shining armour, I’m on a huge black stallion, Percheron, cos they’ve got such long manes and tails. has your mum ever being diagnosed with Bipolar or any such illness? It sounds as if your lives have been awful.
I hope once you move you find peace and the chance to grow. have you had legal advice yet through WA. They have their own lawyers who specialise in DA, you should be getting your share of the house bought out or get something in place if it ever gets sold you get a % of the sale of the property. You have to look after your future mind, don’t not do this, cos once you do, you might find your other siblings find the strength to do likewise.
Best of luck
25th November 2018 at 11:22 am #67590
Iwantmeback this sentence helps me too: ‘we are our own knights in shining armour’ like to think of you on that black stallion…
all best and good luck
25th November 2018 at 12:02 pm #67592
🌞🙂 thanks ftc. It’s something Keira knightly said regarding not letting her kids watch some Disney movies, cinderella, sleeping beauty even the little mermaid. I dont agree with her banning them from watching them, it’s her choice though. If it was me being a young mum again, my kids would know they were only fairy stories and bring them up knowing they don’t need to wait for anyone to make them whole. And its a bit rich considering some of the movies shes appeared in, violence wise, at the hands of men too, and a man rescues her in the end.
I read something online that women who read 50 shades are more likely to be verbally abused than anyone else!! And that abusive men watch more violent sick movies than those who dont!! I somehow doubt that.
5th December 2018 at 5:25 am #68187
I’ve got the keys to a rental. I havent moved in yet. I am beside myself with stress and worry and now feel incredibly guilty that i’m in the wrong and that maybe i’m overreacting. i had an argument (detail removed by moderator) with my family (all of them against me) about a small amount of money i didnt want to pay for (detail removed by moderator) (as i was planning to move out but in secret), tried to argue that i need to save for my future and that could i decline this time (i’ve already paid a fair amount for the phone line this month) but i was told it’s my house i should hold responsibility (it only ever feels like my house when i need to pay for something) then the argument turned to the money i’m owed, things were said by both me and my family that may have seemed in anger but when my own sister said to me “don’t pretend like you care about me”, in reference to not wanting her to pay me back for the car, that upset me, i was really hurt by it, which my mum seemed shocked it offended me so much. (Detail removed by moderator). It’s part of my plan to move on with myself and my life and to not want to wake up everyday being irrationally angry at my mum everytime she speaks and i want that relationship to improve, but i know i cannot talk to her about it as it always always always devolves into a shouting match that i lose and my voice isnt heard or even recognised. She absolutely believes i need to save for another house. Which would be fine if i didnt feel like this the majority of the time i’m living here. I feel horrible though still going through with this as it feels like a major betrayal to my family and i dont hate them, nor want them to hate me. Mum does feel guilty about the money i’m owed which in turn makes me feel guilty for moaning about it to my friends, coworkers and on here (my dad used to isolate mum and turned people against her, that isnt my intention at all but i’m scared she’ll see it that way), and now that my sister has paid me for half of the car i’ve gone and used some of that to directly disobey them. I’ve had what i think is an actual panic attack earlier (i felt a huge knot and my breathing was hard and my mind racing, in fact yesterday i threw up from stress and fear and couldnt breathe well so that might have been one too, im not sure i dont experience this too often). It’s too late to back out now and maybe that’s why i’m panicking cos i have to think now about writing a letter to discuss why i left and who pays the bills, but also that maybe i’ve gone too far, though i know mum has done things that had crossed the line at numerous times and made me feel awful and weak and stupid, otherwise i wouldnt have thought about going through with this in the first place. And yet i cannot shake this feeling of guilt and betrayal despite literally everyone else telling me that it will be good for me to get out and develop as a person and keep my mental wellbeing in check. And that if it turns out i’m the real bad guy, then i guess at least ive removed myself from them so they can live in peace? Argh help 🙁
5th December 2018 at 10:28 am #68193
Hi the-Raven, I’m exactly where your at feelings wise. Feeling so bad at doing this behind his back, talking on here about our relationship. But who else do we have if they won’t listen or in my case, told, if you dont like it there’s the door. I’m trying to find out about benefits but can’t until I’m no longer under the same roof as him. I’ve got some money saved, but i dont even know what area i want to live in, never mind everything else.
Well done on finding somewhere, it might improve the relationship with your family once you’ve left.😏 We’re not meant to all live under the one roof, some of us are meant to spread our wings.. It’s not the be all and end all to own property. Yes its a security thing but there’s all the extra bills that go along with it. Maintenance and such like. Remember, it’s your life, live it for you, no-one else🤗
7th December 2018 at 10:21 pm #68320
Hang in there too, IWMB. It’s tough to decide where to even go, there’s so much to consider, never mind trying to do it in secret! Handling the benefits office at the same time must be stressful too, I hope everything goes well for you and you get out safely x*x
7th December 2018 at 11:00 pm #68328
Benefits office is a joke. Universal credit had now been rolled out throughout Scotland now too. I can’t find out what benefits I’d get, so can’t make any decisions about leaving without knowing how I’ll live, pay my bills etc. Because it’s not physical abuse and I’m not afraid for my life do I choose to stay because I am so unsure of financial insecurity, or do I leave, wait 6-12 weeks before benefits are sorted, get behind with rent and any other bills. Its a disgrace that many many women will choose to stay rather than risk the uncertainty surrounding this.
7th December 2018 at 11:01 pm #68330lover of no contactParticipant
Sounds like you’re d****d if you do (if you move out) and d****d if you don’t (if you stay) so do what’s best for you.
A definition of insanity is doing the same things again and again and expecting different results. Well now in your situation, you are changing the dynamic.
When I try new behaviour I always feel uncomfortable and difficult feelings arise usually of feeling mean and I recognise the guilt and feelings of betrayal. However if I just sit with those feelings but don’t let the feelings influence me to change my decision, the feelings dissipate and I have carried out new behaviour that I needed to do like put my self-care and my well-being first.
I am just back in a relationship with my mum (there was a bullying dynamic between her and me, and her and my dad. My brother joined my mum in being horrible to my dad) after a decade of minimum/No contact. She has got older now and more vulnerable and she needs my support now due to getting older. The great thing is the dynamic (so far so good, its early days) has changed and she doesn’t try any of her old games with me. I know she hasn’t changed but she only shows the façade/nice mask to me. And that suits me fine.
I find if I take a step back from others when their behaviour towards me has been unacceptable, long-term they watch themselves with me and are more respectful. I find it hard to take the step back though as its not in my nature but they started their little game to start with.
Someone recently posted on here that her family know now not to mess with her or treat her badly or there will be serious consequences.
We are here to support you, you are not alone in this. Things may get worse before they get better. Abuse always gets worse. So staying in your situation is not going to improve. You changing may change the dynamic.
You are powerless over your mum and sibling’s behaviour. The only person’s behaviour you can change is yourself. You are doing this.
Keep posting about your feelings of guilt and betrayal. They are only feelings and not facts. You have done nothing to be guilty about, you are not intentionally hurting anyone you are just becoming self-supporting and that’s a good thing.
7th December 2018 at 11:43 pm #68337
Hi love of no contact, I just wanted to say that that was a lovely inspiring and insightful post. Thank you💕💕
8th December 2018 at 8:58 am #68345lover of no contactParticipant
Thank you Iwantmeback.
I was thinking about you the other day and I really think you are going from strength to strength. Keep posting and reading others’ posts and practice self-care, self-care and more self-care. Keep up the decluttering of clothes, paperwork, books, kimono (ornaments, tools etc) and photographs. I was where you are now and by doing the things I could do (I couldn’t leave), the situation/dynamic was actually changing. And one day my chance came (he petitioned me as a threat) and I grabbed it. It was a very long process. But leaving is a process and I just want to say you are well on your way. Keep going and doing what you’re doing:)
I did though actually get down on my knees and begged God to help me get out of the relationship as the pain was too great to bear.
I believe that my Higher Power (that can be God, the Universe, this Forum etc ) did for me what I could not do for myself. But I did take the actions as well, (so that God had my input also), like you are doing and I managed to extricate myself from the abusive relationship.
8th December 2018 at 11:42 am #68347
Hi thelightinme, i too have asked for God’s help to give me the strength to endure this and to give me the strength to leave. I’ve had what i called an epiphany,i truly believe that was when God was listening to me. Some might say it was a Mini-stroke, I’ve actually had 2. And even if my epiphany turns out to be mini-strokes, they are warnings that my situation is killing me. Thank you for thinking of me, we think of each and every person who suffers from abuse. Maybe with the high profile survivors, (detail removed by moderator) maybe it will eventually show society that there are no sterotypical victims, an abuser doesn’t care what your social standing is, they are indiscriminate.
8th December 2018 at 3:11 pm #68355
Sorry loverofnocontact that was a reply for you. Head in the clouds just now☁️☁️
19th December 2018 at 4:18 pm #68906
I’ve moved out! I got out whilst my mum and sister were away (detail removed by moderator) and got the more pressing stuff out of the house, PC, some clothes.. I left a very lengthy letter behind explaining what and why I have done it.
My sister text me (detail removed by moderator) and completely understood why i did it, and had even said she’d considered it herself. she had a big talk with mum and they were obviously shocked and upset, but my mum wasn’t mad. in fact i think it’s opened her eyes to her behaviour. She claims she would have been fine with me moving out had i just told her (yeah, right!!! even my sister agreed there would have been no way that’d happen like that) but will support me, and, since it’s of course my house, i can come back anytime I’m in a pinch. I actually did have to go back one night, the road to my flat had closed and other than going extremely far out of my way in the dark on unfamiliar roads, I had no way of getting back, so i turned up at the doorstep of my house, and we had a good long chat about it all,
so it’s ended well. which is relieving as all hell as i was starting to doubt it would settle.
can’t help but feel slightly crazy since she’s now so accomodating and i’ve been in a huge panic this whole time, but i know for a fact it doesn’t belittle the things she’s done to me or my siblings and that my sister has felt the same way. i think me moving out like that has been the catalyst she needed to realise how she’s been behaving, the house is even starting to look a bit better. though i’ll still keep on my toes, realisation doesn’t mean she’ll immediately turn over a new leaf forever. but at least i’m at peace, i can finally live my OWN life and enjoy it!!
19th December 2018 at 4:53 pm #68907
That’s so lovely to hear. I agree saying she’d have listened and listening are two different things. At least your sister has a bolt hole now to. What a lovely Christmas present to yourself🍾🎄were always here to listen to you, anytime you need a friendly war. Peace to you the-Raven
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