Parental Alienation

[Wibbles]

I left nearly (detail removed by moderator) and have allowed the children access to their dad whenever he and they have wanted it. Sadly, my son has started acting up really badly at school and with me. He’s so angry and tries to hit and bite me. The other day he said, “Daddy says this is all down to you and you have a new boyfriend.” He’s also said I’m evil and brainwashing my daughters into being evil too. I have no interest in men at the moment if ever and I can’t believe my ex is saying these things to my son. I rang Women’s Aid today and they told me this is called Parental Alienation. It is so heartbreaking, my poor child doesn’t know what to think and who to believe, the abuse is now being directed at him. 😢

[diymum@1]

you really need a court order for supervised access – womens aid can work with the kids and the gp this is coersion and emotional abuse – its abusing you also by proxy. have a read of when dad hurts mum by lundy bancroft it puts everything that difficult to pin point about this subject into black and white for you. very valuable info. when i called WA about this very thing they said this is rife in cases of dv and con tact xx this wont get better so please make the decision to take the kids out off this. i did the courts stopped contact all together for us – he never hit her it was one verbal incident and all emotional abuse all to hurt me xx

[fizzylem]

Such a tough situation to deal with; know how this feels and the challenges it brings first hand. Try to use it as an opportunity to teach him how to express his anger in a non violent way; understand his anger; learn self control. Lots of age appropriate books out there and pinterest is good work sheets.

I got my daughter some counselling as well a few times. Angry children are so challenging to deal with – it’s such hard work and can take a long time of you being consistant in your response before you finally turn a corner. It’s infuriating isn’t it once you have worked out where it is coming from. Sadly, it’s often not taken seriously enough by the courts – big mistake in my opinion as it can be so very damaging, anger hinders development / learning and blocks intimacy and bonding; it leaves the child isolated and unable to access the help needed from the mother – alienation basically disables the mother as the helper. However, if you feel strongly enough that supervised contact only is necessary to safeguard them then do go for this.

The Safe Not Sorry doc. is a good one to read. I learnt that it didnt matter how flexible and how much I tried to keep the communication open for my child – this was never going to work as he has been intent on keeping the fight going – and has no self awareness re the things he says and how he behaves when with our child – he will always put our child in the middle, sometimes knowingly and other times I suspect not so much but it happens regardless. This is dreadful for kids. I do know orders have and are made where the parent is ordered to be respectful / support and encourage a positive relationship with the mother when this has been found.

Pull in your support for you and for them – tip the scales of influence – talk about stuff when everyone’s calmed down to give them the opportunity to process things and work it out; eventually as they grow (and work things out for themselves) they simply wont want to see him if he carries on x

[fizzylem]

Ooh and remember, there is much power in the relationship between you and your children when they get what they need from mum x

[KIP.]

Talk to women’s Aid about how best to deal with this and keep a detailed journal. It might be he needs surpervised visitations. I’m sure I heard parental alienation is considered abuse x

[Anonymous]

Hi Wibbles

This must be really upsetting for you, to hear these words from your son and to experience a sudden change in his behaviour. I hope you can get some good support from WA both for yourself and him to deal with these difficult emotions.

I do know how your son might be feeling though my response is more to withdraw rather than become angry. I’ve been on the receiving end of emotional abuse from my father for most of my life, following my parents’s divorce. He’s convinced that my mum brainwashed me and my sibling, turning us against him. He withheld maintainence money (and so we had to rely on benefits to feed ourselves as my mum didn’t have a job at the time, though she got one later) because we didn’t want to spend time with him during his contact weekends. He blamed my mum for this. I can’t remember much of what happened at that time, so parental alienation may have been the case, my mum being the perpetrator.

But more recently he found out where I was living and began to send me letters. At first they were quite pleasant, but the real reason for them soon emerged: he just wanted to rant about how I’d been brainwashed by my mum, how stupid I was, just like her. Interestingly my sibling didn’t get such hate mail. The abuse just got worse, saying how I was a such good girl when he was around, the implication being that now I’m not one. His words are really upsetting. If he wanted an proper relationship with his daughter many years after his divorce from my mum, then he would not be saying these things. He’s just using my mum as an excuse or justification to be abusive to his daughter.

[diymum@1]

my ex accused me off alienation but it was mainly because he would not accept responsibilty or admit he was abusive. right to the bitter end he denied it – its easier to shift it onto the mum but its not us we have no choice but to be honest with ourselves and the kids. these men put us in this position they would be quik to alienate if the got the change its projection really xxxx the worst thing you can do to someone but often mothers dont do it for the same reason as abusive men they do it to protect xxxx

[Author]

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