This topic contains 11 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Maybebaby110 2 weeks ago.

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  • #97519
     Maybebaby110 
    Participant

    Hi I’m new and have recently separated from my husband . It was my decision to leave therefore he blames me for breaking up the family 100% even though we have been unhappy on and off for years .
    During our relationship he wasn’t physically abusive . I always thought he was abit controlling but wasn’t totally sure if it was my fault or his . Everything was fairly ok if I showed him love and affection and had sex with him regularly otherwise we would argue and he could get quite nasty verbally sometimes in front of kids .

    Anyway since our split we have a verbal agreement for shared custody . He has been angry that I didn’t take all the blame for the split in the children’s eyes said I lied to them although I didn’t . I just spared them all the details . He has been antagonistic with hand overs and abusive via text .
    The kids were at my house and I had a row with my son and my son called his dad to collect him . I thought stupidly his dad would back me up but he didn’t he took my son away without my permission. The next day he saidy son didn’t want to see me was scared of me ! I could not understand why as it was a row no worse than in the past where we have shouted at him .
    Well he allowed me to talk to my son with him present and my son said I was so scared of you and I said I don’t understand why ???
    (detail removed by moderator)
    Since then my son has spent time with me but I feel the damage has been done and I worry what happens next time we have a row and about disciplining him ! Will he run to his dad again ? His dad has since said I’m mentally ill and incapable of looking after the children even though that is completely untrue . Has anyone had this happen to them ?

  • #97520
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Yeh I have – similar senario with my eldest. You really need up call womens aid and get your son into group work. The best book on this is when dad hurts mum. All off what you’ve said is in their. Your walking a fine line because you won’t be wanting to alienate your son against his dad BUT he will undermine ur relationship with your son I can promise u. There are ways to go about this and it takes time and patience. Teach your son about relationships realistically they do not always work we don’t blame people. People have choice. Also he must respect you and you put rules in place to teach him what’s right and wrong. Just good morals from the start should see u through. If this keeps on I’d get done legal advice about getting set times xx the book above talks you through how to explain things and also the legal stuff xx

    • #97537
       Maybebaby110 
      Participant

      Thank you. I did speak to women’s aid they were very good . What is group work ? How do you access it ?
      I have a good solicitor and have to decide whether to put in for an urgent child arrangement order citing abuse or not . It is scary .
      I now feel anxious when I have the kids in case my son freaks out again and calls his dad . It is like I’m on probation for something I haven’t done . He attacks me about everything to do with my parenting even though he isn’t perfect

  • #97549
     Overcome 
    Participant

    I am going through similar, there are a plethora of videos on you tube about what to do if it’s happening to you. From what I gather the main thing is to validate what your kids are saying and remind them that you love them. Not good on the practical side of things myself at the moment but just wanted to share that with you x

  • #97558
     Maybebaby110 
    Participant

    Thank you . What do u mean by validate what they are saying ?
    Sorry to hear you are also going through this . Hope you are getting support .
    I am reading everything I can on this subject x

  • #97562
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi there group work runs in local community centres – so the women who work with the kids in refuge do the out reach work. I’m not sure if all areas have this but we did. They discuss safety with kids. There bill of rights – what is acceptable behaviour and what’s not. My daughter really found comfort in knowing that this wasn’t just happening to us. Think it gave her validation because kids feel it’s their fault xx like us I guess. It validates that it’s not.

  • #97565
     Overcome 
    Participant

    What I mean by validate is when the kids ask you a question that sounds like it is coming from heresay or example dad says you do this or that because of this or that. You say I’m really sorry you had to hear that, that must make you feel really scared/sad etc; how do you feel? And then remind them that you love them. Also let your kids have choices and let them talk about the other parent as this wont be happening when they are with the dad.

    Just continue to show them love, don’t try to reason or justify against anything that they have heard from their dad, focus on them and ask them what their opinion is.

    Hope this helps, try the you tube videos too?

  • #97570
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Validate as in ‘I uderstand why you would feel that way’, so not to validate what has happened is right, to validate the feelings only. It’s hard to deal with for sure, it undermines your parenting, leaves the child not knowing what to believe and whose parenting to trust and in the middle of the conflict, so understandably they start to ‘favour’ one over the other, the parent that gives them what they want and not what they need, sadly, when they feel emotional they make emotional decisions that needs both parents to drive the same message home, as whats happened here hey, support for mum and an explanation re why she did this hey. This is how two parent families often work, one parent takes the brunt, then the other comes in with empathy and support for the child, but gives the same message to the child only in a different way.

    It really messes with their heads, leaves them feeling isolated, alone and without support, mistrust develops, disrespect too, creates unecessary problems for them, emotional difficulties. It basically renders the mother as disabled – unable to be the helper.

    Record everything in a journal; it is difficult to prove because it mostly occurs in his house, meaning that it is often only over time that the pattern can become clear, so there is not just one or two isolated incidents, there are a number – which sadly for the child, means going through this – it’s utterly rubbish; it is recognised as emotional abuse, but proving it is the hard part.

    You could call the NSPCC for help with this, the child needs a third adult that they trust that also gives the child the same message as mum really but in a waywhere they can work this out for the themselves.

    Dad can very easily manipulate the child’s thoughts and emotions. My child hasn’t wanted to see dad, then he saw her for a very short time one evening and made it fun, it was like two different children, she didn’t want to know, then he injects some attention and she’s back with him again; only he’s filled her head with false promises, promising this and that, so dad’s great again now, guess they also ‘want’ to feel this right? He says we’re going to do this and that – can I? Like it’s me that stops this from happening, which is not the case at all. Thing is, these things he’s promised, I’m still waiting to hear from him to get these in the diary, only its not happened, because he hasn’t contacted me; its half term next week and he’s made no attempt to make a plan; when she’s out of sight she’s out of mind. Still coasting on the false promises, but she’ll hit the earth next week for sure when she realises nothings happening – and I will get the challenging behaviour to deal with and it will all be my fault she doesn’t want to see him again when she does.

    You need it stop as soon possible really, but you need professionals that will also vouch it happening and what it is doing to the child, so NSPCC would be good for this, because they get it, undersatnd it, whereas the government agencies, their remit is to esuae the child maintains contact and a relationship with dad, that unless he’s sexually or physically abusing the child, unless tehre is clear evidence of emotional abuse, then they will support dad and the child needs to go, until they are old enough to say otherwise x

  • #97572
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    It’s a long game really; if you are consistant and meet the childs needs, ‘eventually’ they start to gravitate towards you. It’s about focusing on the power in your relationship with the child, giving them more information without blaming dad, so ideally being able to talk about it, so you can get in to find out what more information they need here to get a blanced view and thus make their own mind up and change how they feel – find the resolve they really need.

    It can also have catastophic outcomes as well, where the child becomes alientated from the mother. It’s very hard to deal with a child that loses respect for the mother. I would call for help today and get it to stop, NSPCC aims to make abuse stop for every child x

  • #97593
     Overcome 
    Participant

    Thank you fizzylem, you explained that much better than I did! I only just learned about this the passed few days, shocking and cruel situation isn’t it?

    • #97596
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Its’ dreadul flower, for the child and the mother; utterly heartbreaking x

  • #97688
     Maybebaby110 
    Participant

    Thank you guys for explaining this . I will do that . I was defending myself but I will try not to do that . I spoke to the school . They have been talking to the school counsellors which I previously arranged and they said some of what I said has happened has come up in their sessions with my oldest son and they are helping him to work through it . He now seems almost back to normal with me although I am always anxious when he’s with me for fear he will run to his dad again . My husband seems to have stopped for now … but I guess the longer I don’t go back the more he will get angry and start up again ! He was actually a very good parent before all this so he does tend to give the boys what they need so I guess they trust what he says and also I was the one to leave so it’s believable. I will contact the nspcc . Thank you

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