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(Detail removed by moderator) He has PR and our daughter lives with me. I feel he continues to use this to control abuse and bully me. I am not strong enough to stand up to him. I am doing all the right things by informing of any hospital appointments etc but he is telling me I HAVE to discuss any appointments I make for our daughter. Why is it a discussion? Surely if she needs a check up it’s fine? Can I not just inform of the appointment and then discuss it after if there is anything he needs to know? Why do I have to ask his permission? I am doing the best for our child!
If am doing it all wrong then obviously i’ll Rethink! Please help as I’m so worn down x -
Yes I get this only too well. Unless it specifically says this in the order I would ignore him. You have primary carer rights and this is the right to make operational, daily decisions for the care of your daughter. If she needed an operation then yes, he’d need to know, but other minor or regular health checks, eg like glue ear. You don’t need to inform him of her appointments, rather, like your gut is telling you, report back if there’s anything he needs to know. There are ways to manage things like this. Have a think what would work for you and maybe call the helpline to discuss it. Also, what’s he going to do if you don’t? Haul you back into court because you didn’t let him know when her appointments were, let him crack on xx
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@fizzylem Decisions relating to health and well-being taken jointly and notify all hospital appointments.
Surely this is taken too literally?
I don’t want to call the helpline and waste their time but equally how have I allowed myself yet again to be under his control??
I am informing him at every opportunity of ANY appointments so I don’t see what the problem is?
He’s so nasty in what he does to me. I’ve been left with nothing of my daughters belongings and he’s also paying maintenance when he feels like it, paying what amount he feels like yet I do all the care and I pay all the Nursery fees! I’m a single parent on minimal hours to claim certain benefits. I got reprimanded in court for certain things but yet how can I discuss things with someone who continues to abuse and bully me 😭 -
Contact the child maintenance authority or whatever it’s called these days. And get them to make him pay what you are due. You shouldn’t have to have any direct contact with him and he will be using this as financial abuse. Keep a spare cheap mobile phone for any communication with him and keep it short. So, child at docs for flu jab, no reaction and she’s fine now. That’s it. Don’t get into an argument or conversation over it. There can’t be that many health appointments. Did you have a solicitor representing you at court? Law is supposed to be based on fairness. So it’s fair that you let him know she had her jab and she’s fine. It’s not fair that he pesters you after that. Please do use the helpline at every opportunity. The ladies on the line deal with this every day and have some great ideas and advice for you. Your ex will bully and control using your child for the rest of your life unless you set your boundaries now x
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You’re not doing it wrong. Typical abuser will just keep changing the goal posts leaving you confused and upset. You need to have confidence in yourself that you’re always doing the best for your child and keeping dad informed. Don’t be surprised if he makes up health issues to bully you into a conversation just so he can carry on his abuse. He will use anything to keep that sense of power. Women’s aid are great at explaining they dynamics. Keep any abusive messages. Do everything via text so you have a record of it. Have someone with you if you can while he’s texting if it’s possible x
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Firm boundaries. Don’t let his drama suck you in. Zero discussion with him or justifying yourself. Keep any messages he sends to you and keep a log. Short messages re your child and do not enter into discussion. It’s horrible to have to keep the vile messages on your phone. Try getting a cheap second mobile for him only that way you can physically switch him off.
The legal system is far from ok in situations like these. It makes me so mad when I get a solicitor’s letter from my ex. Just an extension of his harassment.
Got to child support. I did this. They’ll waiver the £20 fee as there’s been domestic abuse. It’s very straight forward and my payments were arranged within weeks. Take the power and control away from him x -
All contact is via my phone and face to face. I’ve made the mistake of agreeing to FaceTime as our daughter is so young still and the thought of her being away for long periods is going to kill me. He is obviously using to his advantage now. This whole process is so consuming and scary. We never are free and they get to continue a torrent of abuse. Why is this allowed? Why aren’t we safeguarded? This has affected the whole of my family. We have had to just take it in fear of jeopardising my court case but yet still he finds another way in which to gain the upper hand. He’s always trying to catch me out and quiz me about my life. Always in front of our daughter so I stay calm but really I want to scream and tell him to F off!!!! How the hell do I set boundaries?? We have a contact book yet he barely fills it in. I am doing my best here but I don’t know how much I can take x
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Abuse is illegal. If he threatens you or intimidates you then contact the police. Face to face is not good. You want to avoid this at all costs. FaceTime you set up and leave the room. Then come back in 10 minutes and say times up say good bye to daddy and cut it off. He wants to use contact with your child to have contact with you so don’t let him.
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That seems to me to read as a message then simply with ‘next appointment on x for checkup’ and that’s it – nothing more to be said. Then if there are any decsions to make a discussion to be had, or if there is any info he needs to know a message with this, but I would strongly urge you do this all through a third party, as this is where he’s getting his kicks isnt it, and if you feel this really isnt possible, then in email, so its all recorded, recorded that you’ve asked the questions you needed to, given him the opportunity to present his input.
Not sure how you’re managing this but you could have an email online so you have to log in rather than it dropping into your inbox every time he feels like it.
I would be mindful that if it ever gets to a point where he’s holding things up or you cant agree and your daughter’s health needs attending to then ‘if’ you were to go back to court then there is nothing to worry about.
I would also probably play the odd card, ‘so sorry, absolutely slipped my mind, won’t happen again ect now and then, when you feel like you cant deal with him and need a breather.
It sounds like you’ve had a dreadful experience and understandably want to make sure you’re doing things right and within the rules, that the fear of what happened is sending you into a bit of a spin, and there’s still needing to deal with him and his controlling behaviour on top. I still don’t think the slight errors here now and then in handling this matter are enough to concern the court. I think they’d be annoyed at him wasting their time tbh, so breath. Think what is reasonable and enough here.
Yes, agree with above completely, please do not let him get away with not paying maintanance, call the child maintanace agency and get them to handle it for you. There really is nothing he can do about this and there is no need for you to ever have to dicuss it with him. He’s had his opportunity to do the right thing here and has chosen not to do it. You and your child need his contribution – which will likely nowhere near cover half of her costs anyway, but it’s a regular set amount, it means he’s paying something but most importantly, that you don’t need to deal with it or him on this matter.
I think the key here is to think, fair enough, I’ve got to do this but now I need to decide how best to manage it for me, as long as your integrity is in tact when dealing with him and it then there’s not a lot to worry about. For example, I certainly wouldnt create a situation where he can he can drop a mail for an update, I would make it clear that it is there for him for you to send the info he needs, if there is anything to ask then you will ask it and that you simply can not respond to anything else x
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Get a third party to take any form of communication make sure he knows the person is neutral. One of my friends took a separate pay as you go phone. For main gp appointments get them to text him when they are BUT he can only go when she’s in ‘his’ time. He can contact professionals himself for information. O wouldn’t make it easy for him that way when he sees he can’t get at you direct he won’t want all this hard work because he’s not that interested this isn’t his intention XX he wants the upper hand. Put your foot down from the get go. If he says your being unreasonable just say you are better hearing theses details from the professionals it’s onlr a phone call away same as what he’s doing. With the face time I’d say you have a new phone that dosent have this. The next thing he will be on saying look here’s daddy with his date or daddy living it up just to get at you xx he will take every avenue to do this so don’t stand for it and in doing this your protecting your child from seeing this xx
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The phone one is dreadful, gives him a way into your home everytime, especially when she gets older. It sounds to me that this could be about giving him plenty of rope here LR? Recording everything in a diary, backing it up with the eividence and going back I’m afraid, to get third party comms, pick ups and drops offs official – might sound stressful, but it will help you to feel you are actively doing something to try and protect you and your daughter, if he’s playing these game now, you need to be mindful that this wont stop as she grows and this will become damaging and difficult to deal with, I’d be working to try and put a stop to this and that is by having a third party. Call the helpline sweety, its hard to deal with and they really are best to advise here x
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Also keep in mind you are the resident parent you have the final say by law in that order. If you turn this on it’s head and this was him he’d fight you for everything every penny he’d claim maintenance and tax credits. He’d say he has the main say if he had residency (which will never happen) just playing devils advocates here. Don’t be scared to do what you have to do set very strict boundaries and have consequences for him trying to break them. Bit like disciplining a naughty child. Be consistent and reign the contact between you and him in till it’s non existent. I know this from experience you can’t co parent with theses men. Third party for you xx you’ll get stronger once you do this xx it’s also your right to stay away from an abuser your still holding the court order up xx
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Without going into too much detail it will be third party eventually for most of it thankfully. I will be getting some advice from my solicitor to clarify a few things.
Why does he still want to control me I don’t understand it?
He’s tried contacting me directly at a time he knows our child is not with me which is strange? He’s so desperate to get me alone and talk to me. He’s constantly trying to question what I do with my time and trip me up on things. I feel so vulnerable x -
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Good for you LR. Take the bull by the horns. Firm boundaries and if he continues to carry on you can take it back to court. It’s hard to deal with now, so you cant let it carry on, do what you need to do to stop it; this has nearly finished me – same stuff as this and it only got worse, it has had damaging effects on my child’s mental health and well being and hindered her development. You think you’re doing right by trying to be fair and think what does my child need here, access to dad etc, but actually what she needs is for you to cut contact so he cant control you because like you can see already, he’s using her as a way in and a way to exercise control – it only gets worse, when she’d old enough to listen to him – be influenced by him – he will continue to use her for his games which damages the realtionship you have with her, creates anger issues for her – makes her life difficult, is burdensome and robs her of her childhood.
There is a way to stop this but it takes a while going through it and this is dreadful. Keep a diary and document everything, attach his texts etc because like you say, one aspect in isolation doesnt look like theres a problem, so you need to show the pattern in his behaviours so that its clear to see he is not a typical reasonable father.
Thankfully she is still very young but it would be better for the both of you if you act now. See a few solictors before deciding which one is right for you. Some will say things that leave you feeling desperate again as they dont get it. Don’t think that because this one says nothing can be done or a like this is the case as its not.
My primary concern for you atm LR is phone use – ‘speaking’ on the phone can not be used as evidence – unless it is recoorded – make sure all contact you have with him is email or text so someone else can view these – no verbal comms sweetie – this adds to you feeling vulnerable and there is no proof hey xx
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