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This week has been very challenging.
Just a quick TLDR; my abusive husband and I are separated and living in the same house for the time being. We have children together, all of whom have had significant health challenges.
One child chooses to be ‘invisible’ … that child does all the chores allocated to them, without issue… just getting it done on their own initiative. That child complies with everything because that child recognises that there is significant stress within the household, that doesn’t have to do with that child directly … and so that child chooses to be ‘invisible’ and no trouble at all.
In a way, that is very sad and I have talked to that child about that behaviour and they tell me basically that for the time being, that is what they are doing to stay safe. And that child has faith that I will get them out of this situation as soon as I can.
The other child, meanwhile… Oh holy hell! This child has clearly picked up some learned behaviours from the abusive dad that gets turned against me and their dad. It’s a bit horrific, seeing your own child mirror behaviours learned from your abuser. But then its somewhat satisfying when that same child is dishing out that abuse to your abuser.
However, how do I parent that? Never in my life had I imagined that a (detail removed by moderator) would try to gas-light me and seem so justified from their perspective! When as a parent, I’m simply saying ‘No’ and reminding them of boundaries there, of course they’re pushing back but then pushing back with so much fury and abuse … name-calling, swear words, stomping, kicking, slamming doors. And all I can do at the moment is sigh… because those are learned behaviours that this child has learned in order to get their own way.
How do I parent that?
Pastoral care at school is involved. This child also got bounced from CAHMS pre-COVID because that support is not there and their waiting list won’t solve today’s problems. I just feel like largely, perhaps because of recent flare ups in abuse from dad, and us splitting up, I’ve let some behaviours go and then they’ve gotten out of hand.
What are your thoughts?
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Hello Browneyedmum,
I just wanted to offer some support on your post, it sounds like a really difficult position to be in trying to manage your children’s behaviours in response to what you are all going through. I Imagine it’s overwhelming and stressful.
I’m sure other users will be able to offer some advice and support on this, but I just wanted to mention this organisation, https://www.familylives.org.uk/, who have a helpline hat you can call specifically to discuss parenting and family crisis issues, they could be a useful resource.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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