Parenting with an abuser

[Lavenderrose]

Hello. I’ve not posted for a while as I’ve been trying to get on with things now and actually I do feel stronger.
Things are very up and down with my ex but I have accepted this will never change and I am learning to cope better.
Our child is still young so we still have to have contact but luckily handovers are mainly (detail removed by moderator). But when face to face he will never acknowledge me usually because I haven’t complied with something he’s demanded.
How are we supposed to parent with these men? Especially when it comes to huge decisions about education etc? This is our next issue!
He wants to discuss face to face as he always wants to with everything but so far I have refused to engage. I’ve have agreed to it this time (out of lockdown) but I know it’ll be a pointless exercise where I will be worn down with him because he wants his own way as usual but I know it’ll be purely to discuss our relationship!
I don’t want to go but I feel I’m just trying to shut him up.
Are big decisions always going to be like this? Comply or deal with the consequences? What can he do legally if he doesn’t get what he wants? I am resident parent.
I feel for our child and if it’ll cause problems for her later in life because of his poor behaviour.
Our child also has an (detail removed by moderator) pending, one of many but due to Covid only one parent can attend. The dates always coincide with his time so I will not get the option to be there for her. He believes he is the most important to her. Always minimising my role as her mother. I can’t bare to not be there to comfort her. Do I just accept it?? I feel like I have no choice!

[ffhoneday]

Hi, I’m so sorry to read your post, it sounds so painful and difficult. I can really relate to you saying you feel minimised as a mother and the thought of not being with your child at the time of an (detail removed by moderator) is unbearable to think of.
If you’re the resident parent is this legally outlined (eg in a CAO?) or does your child just live with you by his consent? This will change options. You could approach the hospital explain the situation and ask them if you could do ‘shifts’ of being with your daughter so you both get to see her. In terms of school your ex could get a court order if he has a good argument for his choice of school, mine has and our children have to go to the school in the order. My ex is also planning to get another order for secondary school. There are different options with this. Because my ex is much more wealthy and also has extremely good knowledge of the legal system I am working on being OK with not challenging. I control what I can which is my relationship with my children. However my children are badly effected and I don’t know if this is the right choice, but I can’t keep trying to fight and lose every time.
I don’t really have many practical answers, I’m sorry, I just wanted to say I share your feeling I am constantly minimised and written out of my children’s lives whilst simultaneously constantly facing allegations of parental alienation. It’s almost unbearable. I hope you can get some peace soon and find a way to manage, there’s a good book called transcendent parenting by Michael Kinsey you could look at that or co-parenting with a toxic ex but to be honest there of limited help if your ex partner is at the high end of abuse/control. Be kind to yourself you will always be your daughters mum, they can never take that from you and they hate it, so they attack it at every opportunity it’s their inadequacy not yours x

[Lavenderrose]

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m so sorry to read that you are going through similar. It’s really awful isn’t it?!
I already have a live with order so he has access.
Can I ask how your ex got to send them to his preferred school? Given I do majority of the care and work part time surely if he was to take it back to court I would be in more favour? He has in fact already broken the order twice by failing to return our child after long periods of contact. He always uses our child against me and to keep levels of control.
I am almost resigning myself to the point that the battle of who is present for the op isn’t worth fighting when he’ll grind me down anyway! He honestly makes me feel like if she had the choice she’d always choose him x

[ffhoneday]

They always make you feel like that, I often feel like my children don’t need/care about me because I’ve only ever parented with an abuser who tells me that. My family try to remind me and show me that they do and I’m trying to recognise that as they do need us, otherwise all they’d know is abuse.
I think my children are a bit older than your daughter, but basically I was the primary carer all their lives and they lived with me, I left with them but ex had them (detail removed by moderator). But (detail removed by moderator) after we left my ex took me to court and they ordered 50/50 as part of the same CAO there was a specific issue order about the school.
I think your approach of picking your battles is the only way to do it, otherwise your whole focus becomes coping with all the conflict and you can’t focus on your relationship with your daughter. If she’s with you most of the time there is absolutely no doubt she will want you at the (detail removed by moderator), but I think we have to accept when parenting with an abuser they will abuse by disrupting our relationships with our children, it seems to me this is one of those situations. He is setting you up to “not be there” when your daughter will want you. I think You can counteract this by just being honest, she’s with daddy that day and only one parent is allowed but you’d do anything to be there. Could you give her a toy or friendship bracelet and tell her it’s magic and full of mummy love so you are alongside her the whole time?
It’s easy for me to say and I can’t feel it myself, but she does need you you are her primary carer and her mum if you can stay connected to that it gives you the best chance of maintaining your relationship without him disrupting. I hope that’s not patronising!
I’m so sorry about this, it’s truly awful when they interrupt the mothering relationship, it sounds like you’re doing everything you can for your daughter she’s very lucky x

[Author]

Posts