Partner stays out every night until early hours now we have a baby

[Random.]

Evening ladies,
I don’t whether I’m being unreasonable but my partner seems to be staying out until at least (detail removed by Moderator) most nights now when he finishes work.
I get he works to provide the roof over our heads & pay bills but it’s not like I’m not contributing to both of those & he always likes to bring up in his rants that he owns everything in the house & protests he pays everything by himself.. again not true. Yet I feel like I am lenient as hell with him when I’m home with the little one who’s only months old while he goes out getting hammered & coming back being violent or going on explosive rants at stupid o’clock in the morning! It’s like he forgets that I’m the one doing ALL of the housework, all of the cooking, buying all the food & doing all the feeds, staying up with our baby most nights so I’m constantly exhausted & he sleeps in until midday because he’s been drunk until the early hours..
I feel so alone, all of my close friends have kids themselves so it’s not like when once in a blue moon he does say he’ll look after him for an evening I end up by myself anyway..
Just so frustrated & needed a rant.. sorry!
Does anyone else have this?

[Lisa]

Hi Random.,

You’re not being unreasonable to expect basic respect from him, recognition of your contributions, and partnership in caring for your child. These are all things you shouldn’t have to fight for. Rather than forgetting all the work you do maintaining the home, making sure you’re all fed, and all the childcare, it sounds likely he doesn’t value your input. It’s a very common attitude with abusers to devalue the work their partner does while inflating the importance of what they do themselves. It’s also working to isolate you and keep you on edge as you don’t know when he’s coming home each night or what mood he’s going to be in.

You’ve nothing to apologise for in venting your frustration here. Keep reaching out to this safe space to share, where people understand, when you need.

All the best,
Lisa

[Anonymous]

Yup!!

The irony bring, that before I met my ex, I was financially independent and content. I supported him through his darker days when we first started dating. We moved in together and fell pregnant quite quickly. I let him live with me rent free for a few months while he changed jobs as he was neve happy. I kept lending him money for longer than I care to admit for his drug habits. And when I refuse to keep enabling him, he would get wasted on the weekends but then he ask for money on Monday/Tuesday as he’d forgotten to pay his various bills. So I called him out on that one too.

Life was always difficult and something was always to blame. At one point, his life stressor was over a car. So one time (even after a night of verbal abuse) I lent him money for a 2nd hand car he wanted.

I didn’t learn my lesson and car struggles started again and we needed another car before the baby was born…so that was me stupidly taking out a loan in my name for him. (He still owe me for that monthly)

I had a huge amount of angst about going on maternity leave and my reduction in pay. He knew that. So for a long time, he would assure me that he would always take care of us.

He had no idea what was coming or how hard it would be!

The first few months were OK. But over time, his bitterness cropped in. His arguments used to be that he had a physical job so I just wouldn’t understand what hard work is.

Then it just became about how the world’s financial crisis was just horrendous etc I went back to work part time. We split all the bills. However, he did pay for our food shopping and he gave me a small amount of money each week.

Long story short, it reached a point where he was using his financial superiority to win every argument with me. Yes, food got expensive, but he would get very angry if I pointed out where we could save on our food. He usually insisted on doing the food shopping alone but buy too much. Every week, I kept trying to ask him not to buy me snacks etc Some weeks I outright asked him to buy nothing for me. I’d rather near starve and have a “diet” week. Anything to save money. But he’d always buy thoughtless c**p and he would always be disappointed if I let things go out of date.

I tried other tactics- like reminding him that the small allowance he did give me to, was ALWAYS spent on cleaning products, top up shops, or treats for him/special dinners. I had nothing of note to show for it.

Sometimes after an explosive argument about money, I would just transfer him money. Then he would apologise, transfer it back and say “its not about the money.”

If anger didn’t work in his favour, he’d try sympathy and say (detailed removed by Moderator)

Fundamentally, nothing ever changed. There was always drink and drugs in the house. He often got as intoxicated as he wanted (though as much as I asked him to go out with friends, he usually stayed in most of the time) Most of our arguments went straight to him ranting about him earning the money.

In the final few weeks, he kept trying to convince me that I have no knowledge of how the world works. I don’t drive, so I will never understand. One of the last things he said to me before I kicked him out was (detailed removed by Moderator)

Boom. Door locked.

[Author]

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