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Hi everyone,
I am not sure what to think, feel or do right now.
I have recently realized, and been told by different people, that I am in a very emotionally manipulative relationship with my partner of (detail removed by moderator). Recently some things happened that have sort of escalated the situation. He self harmed to make me feel bad/stay, and now he is realizing that he is losing me.
Now he is everything I have ever hoped him to be, asked him to be, and I don’t know what to make of it.
Due to the recent events and everything that had happened in the last (detail removed by moderator) I have completely emotionally detached. I wanted to end this relationship a few weeks ago, but then he self harmed. So I stayed. And now he is acting like the perfect partner, and it confuses me. Is this normal? Will things go back to how they used to be or has he had a genuine change of heart? I find it difficult to believe that he will change for the better without the assistance of therapy. It also makes me feel extremely guilty for wanting to leave.
We live together, which makes things difficult as well. I would appreciate any kind of advice on how to pull through with my plans to leave, how to stop feeling so guilty, and how to stop letting myself be drawn back in.
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Yes it is emotional abuse so you stay with him in the relationship, my ex took an overdose when I told him to leave , then I felt guilty and took him back , the niceness never lasts for long it is just to hook you long enough to stay again, it’s a cycle of abuse , you could google that , it’s a pattern . He obviously needs help if he is self harming , his mental state cannot be wired up , so in a way he does need therapy, would he listen to your suggestion of that ? Maybe if he does seek help that would give you the space to know what you really want . You either try in some way to make it work or you make a clean break of it . In my experience they don’t change , they use all different tactics to keep you in their hold , his being self harming , if that worked , he will use it again when you want to break free . My opinion would be think of yourself and your needs , your right to detach this will help you in the future, but don’t let or allow him to guilt trip you , you are the priority not him . He playing victim. Read up on cycles of abuse x
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Thank you for your words on this. I did suggest therapy to him many times before, but I don’t think it will happen. I even suggested couples therapy. What really gets me is that he doesn’t usually self harm – in my time with him, it had only happened (detail removed by moderator) times. Once before we (detail removed by moderator), because (detail removed by moderator). Then a second time (detail removed by moderator), when he did something that upset me (which also resulted in some sort of gaslighting I think, because I ended up being the one apologizing and saying I overreacted, which he told me). And then this time. So I don’t know why he does it other than try to make me feel a certain way. It makes me fearful of what will happen if I leave, but I also know that someone else’s actions are not my responsibility. The problem is, I always take on that responsibility, and I don’t know how to stop it.
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The idea to get you entangled again. The most dangerous time is when you realise what is going on and try to leave. They will behave all sweet to drag you back in. Once your caught again, the abuse will restart.
I’ve heard of men intentionally putting on clothes that are too big so that they can pretend to have lost weight mourning their missing partner. Its all part of the standard manipulation pattern.
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I was planning to leave my husband a long time ago. He told me he had changed his ways, gave up the drugs and convinced me it could work. It didn’t take too long for things to slip back and i lost the will to try and leave again. I was too ashamed that I didn’t go through with it the first time and I didn’t want to be wrong for such a long time that I didn’t admit it to myself. Now i know exactly how things are but I feel stuck – he won’t leave despite threatening to a million times because I work and pay for everything and he doesn’t. He knows he is way worse off if he leaves me and that I would be so much better off without him which is another form of punishment. My kids are not small anymore and they know exactly how things are. I couldn’t leave without taking them with me and where do you go with two older children?? I’m not going to subject them or me to c****y council housing so he can live the life of riley in the house i paid for. It upsets me so much that my entire adult life has been wasted on someone like him. I know i am better than that = I’ve been so lucky to be in a job where people value me and tell me so every day and I believe them. The only person who thinks I’m worthless is him. And I don’t believe him. I’d advise anyone to get out as early as possible if you can – its so much harder the longer you leave it. Sending you all the encouragement I can.
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Hello, your post made me sad as I used to feel very similar. I have a teen and like you, I knew she saw what was going on, knew he was mean to her too but tried to keep going. Then one day it dawned on me she only gets one childhood and I’m missing out on it being what I’d wanted for what, an abusive, drug taking, drunk because he was nice sometimes and I was strong enough to survive the bad. It was one of many things that dawned on me last year and slowly but surely I’m extricating myself, and she knows and I can already see a difference in her, a hope. I had to chuckle to myself the other day as I owned a home many years ago and sold it due to my first abusive partner and him refusing to leave after several years living together post break up, I moved into private renting and am now bidding on council properties – definitely feels the wrong way round but tel things – one, a happy home is better than a survival mode one and two, you bid on the properties you are interested in plus I don’t know if your area is the same but there’s hundreds of new builds on the council list now. I guess what I’m saying is don’t discredit your options. I stayed too long in both my abusive relationships wanting to be the bigger, stronger person but ultimately this isn’t a game we can win as they just move the goalposts. You only get one life too lovely, do you really want to look back with just regrets? It’s not easy leaving but that shouldn’t be a reason to stay, good luck x*x
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I self harm. I do it because i am angry so angry with myself for allowing my husband to hurt me for allowing others in my past to hurt me i blame myself totally so i take it out on myself.
But it is not in any way an excuse to hurt others and you should not take your partners self harm upon your sholders it is not your fault it is his problem to solve just as its mine.
Read some of my posts. Last week i was worrying that i had maybe over thought my husbands nastiness as i was in a long calm spell and i just thought i was the one in the wrong. But this week he jas picked up and has been horrible again so nasty spiteful and full of rage at such small things. So i doubted myself for nothing.
They see that we see them they know that we know and they are frightened that we will leave so they stop they start to be nice make us doubt ourselves make us believe we are in the wrong.
Dont doubt that voice sweetie dont even blame yourself dont take his self harm upon yourself you cannot and should not live his life you need to live yours.
Stay safe stay strong xxxxxx -
I too was the main earner , well he never worked end of , he has a very serious alcohol addiction which I ended up funding , and I resented him for it , that my money that I worked so hard for was being used to buy drink , it was my house , he had nowhere to go & yet I was tortured in every way in my own home , hiding on a bathroom floor , behind a locked door on the phone to my friend as he was raging at me . I told him so many times to leave he would threaten sucide , cry , did take an overdose once , ended up in hospital, they let him out and I begged them to keep him in . I honestly couldn’t live another day of it. I had moments of niceness, but mostly anger , resentment, criticism, control , abuse , on a daily basis for over a year . It did hold me longer in the relationship the fear of him doing something to himself again and he used it every time I had told him it’s over . In the end I just said go on then do it ! You wanna kill yourself go ahead , he soon stopped using that tactic to keep me , it’s not your responsibility to take his issues upon yourself, and it’s manipulative behaviour on his part to make you feel guilty for his actions, playing the victim so you feel bad , why should you ? They know what works and what doesn’t x
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Someone once posted on this forum that people leave relationships every day and whilst sad, and maybe tries to convince them to stay, the other person ultimately accepts their decision. It’s not like that in abusive relationships, we are tricked, manipulated, guilted into staying and as such lose our right to decide for ourselves whether to be in or out of the relationship. That’s what is happening to you. You’re not staying because you love him, trust him and want to build a future together with shared values & goals. Quite the opposite. Once the trust has gone it’s very hard, if not impossible to get back and be careful going to couples counselling as it’s well recognised to be counterproductive in abusive situations. Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s’why does he do that’, if I recall correctly it includes a section about men who self harm when threatened with you leaving. Look after yourself.x
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The self harm (or threats / claims about it) are unfortunately very common hoovering tactics used by abusers. As is the sweet behaviour to get their next chance.
Mine feigned suicide attempts quite a few times. The first time I rushed round there, literally kissed his tears away and spent the whole night cradling this apparently poor confused man-child while my heart broke for him and all his issues. Then when we were back out of the hoovering phase and back into and out if the abusive phases again I left again. Same thing happened but that time I phoned the police and they found him sitting in his pants eating a takeaway (that he’d obviously been out and bought after making the suicide phonecall). After that He was very angry that I’d made him look an idiot (no personal accountability or remorse for being a lying manipulative arse of course). He tried two more threats of suicide after that. Each time the police went there he was fine. What a scumbag.
It’s like they like in a parallel universe where truth is insignificant and inconsequential. Whenever mine got arrested he couldn’t see it was a consequence of his actions. Just that it was my fault because I spoke the truth.
I’d recommend the book Out of the Fog (FOG being Fear Obligation and Guilt). I’d also recommend the YouTube videos made by Dr Ramani and Melanie Tonia Evans to help in getting a handle on what you’re experiencing here. I think Dr Ramani probably saved my life. Women’s Aid will be able to help too.
His behaviour is controlling and coercive. It’s likely to continue (at best) or, more likely,escalate.
Take care lovely. You deserve so much better.
GR x
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This is exactly what happened to me “ Grey Rock “ he never saw it was his actions that made me call the police on him or an ambulance even when he tried sucide , it was always my fault , even when I got him removed from my house , that was my fault , but “ Hello “ I don’t just call the police to have you arrested for no reason ? I have never known such individuals who take no responsibility for their actions or behaviour it’s always someone else’s fault for making them act that way , be it addiction, or us , it’s never them . Also I found your comment very interesting in your post , I wouldn’t want anyone to stay with me out of blackmail, manipulating, guilt tripping tactics , so why do they use this on us to keep us hooked ? I would think to myself well this person can’t really love me if I’m having to say all this stuff or do all these things to keep them with me , it’s a good point you made and one I questioned myself on , had I stayed more out of fear than actual love .
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I have read all of your posts, and I am so thankful for your insight in all of this. I am also sad that any of this has happened to you, too. I feel like my problems in comparision are miniscule – I even feel guilty for posting on this forum because in my mind I worry that I’m making it out into something bigger than it is. But the fact remains that many, many things had happened in my time together with him that I now can identify as manipulative and gaslighting, and even the nice things he’s doing now, I can kind of tell for sure it’s not because he wants ME to be happy, he just wants me to stay. Because why wouldn’t he? I’m the caretaker of this man child. Right now, I’m setting things in place that enable me to leave back into my home country. I am blessed to have a very supportive circle of people who help me in this. But how do I get over the guilt? How do I ultimately end it? What and when is the best time? It’s hard to “play along” with his sudden sweetness, pretending everything is fine. He even noticed a change in my behaviour the other day and said he started “worrying again”.
The thing is, he still has not made any attempts to find himself therapy. And without therapy I know that things will go back to how they were sooner or later. It also proves that he isn’t really as intent on “changing” as he said he was. I have to sit this out for another month or two and it is getting harder by the day when all I want is to end it now. But unfortunately, the only people I have around here in this country are his family, and they will be behind him.
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When its your situation, its really easy to say oh, its worse for so and so. Honestly, that doesn’t matter. What matters is what is happening to you. Please believe us when we say that what is happening to you does matter. Good luck with getting out.
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