Passive aggressive behaviour

[phantasmagorical]

I have come across an article about passive aggressive behaviours. I can identify almost every single behaviour in my ex, which I think may help to explain the subtle ways being with him has affected me. One of the major reasons for my confusion is that he was rarely overtly horrible to me. However, the article talks about how passive aggressiveness can be termed “crazy making” because of its emotional and psychological impacts.

The ones that stand out the most to me are “disguised relational hostility” like the silent treatment, as well as “disguised psychological manipulation” like lying and making excuses. Also the “underhanded sabotage” and self-punishment, which the author has described as a way of the person hurting themselves to hurt the partner? There’s many more and it’s very interesting.

I’ve also found that our relationship closely aligns to the “idealise, devalue and discard” pattern.

Any thoughts on this?

[Healthyarchive]

My ex never hit me or frightened me with his fists. He was always calm, collected and suave. But things that he did made me feel frightened. I caught him looking at me a few times with pure contempt as though I was his biggest loathing out of everything in his life. It was horrible, I think that frightened me and made me ‘try harder to be good’. I wasn’t being bad or doing anything out of the ordinary when he looked at me that way. We didn’t have any relaxed, fun, lighthearted times. He would deliberatly try to find out my deepest darkest insecurities during ‘friendly catch ups’. I think he was trying to work me out to use it later to terrorize me. Once he knew my achilles heel he would ever so subtly drop something into the conversation linked to that fear. Not something big and obvious, just a comment small & subtle enough to pass off but that he knew would strike terror into me. I always felt not enough, not good enough, inferior but I always put it down to me not being very good in relationships as I wasn’t good in some before I met him (a bit clingy and I could be jealous). He would frequently ignore my text messages and emails to exert power, his goal was for me to be sitting at the other end waiting, hoping, yearning for him to reply to me. It was a game to him, each time he replied i felt a huge sigh of relief. Idealize, other words for this are Love Bombing and Grooming, Devaluation and Discard and then often Hoover are terms of n**********c behaviour. My ex did each of these bar Hoover which I have always struggled with. But I want you to know, as the time goes on, it is crucial that you maintain full No Contact, your thoughts and feelings become clearer, your thinking starts to become your thinking not manipulated thinking and you start to recognize healthier decisions more easily. It takes time but you do get there. I feel a million times better now than I did (removed by moderator) months ago. X*X (my ex is categorized as an extreme n********t (the worst type) in a really thorough and long (110 question) questionaire that i completed.

[phantasmagorical]

I know this feeling, I’ve been feeling horribly inadequate for so long. Even tonight I was looking through a clothes brochure and I saw this nice dress, but I instantly thought of another girl wearing the dress and how my ex would probably prefer that than if I wore it.

Being left hanging always puts me in a near constant state of nervous anticipation, and I think the relief when they do reply is so strong, and it just keeps getting reinforced. Weirdly, he said to me not so long ago that being left hanging feels awful and he was sorry? But he’d been doing it for years by then, and then went on to do it a few more times before dropping me completely. Like I said to him out of a half-joke / half-worry, that I was worried he was going to chuck me and leave me at the airport, and he was all, Oh Jesus, I’d never do that. But then he did chuck me? It was like he made me assured for a short time with that and then it actually came true.

My mind keeps flipping from one reason to another, I’m not sure which is which.

[Serenity]

The idealise, value and discard pattern is the n**********c way. My marriage was like this.

My ex had a few times where he was overtly abusive, when he couldn’t control himself, but he preferred the cold, calculating method of covert abuse/ passive aggression most of the time- and it really was a daily thing.

You’re right, they do it to gain ultimate power and to make you think you’re going mad. If they hit you, their crime could be punished by law. If they play mind games, it’s harder to prove and it’s a much more effective method of breaking you down.

If I read any articles on passive aggression and covert abuse, it’s like reading a. Hate we summary of my ex.

[Serenity]

I mean it’s like reading a character summary of my ex.

[Peaceful Pig]

Ditto, this was exactly my ex’s style. I think he’s not even man enough to abuse me openly, what a coward.

[phantasmagorical]

Agree. Although mine has given his family good reason why he didn’t have the courage to take responsibility for ending the relationship (although I’m not sure they’re aware there’s more to this than just having the guts to call it off). Due to his mental state and threat of suicide. On the night it all broke I asked his dad if he thought my ex had acted wrongly and he replied yes, but because he’s unwell. I wasn’t sure if this was a way of excusing him, or if I’m just being insensitive.

[Serenity]

You’re right, PP.

My ex always kept his nastiness behind closed doors. The times I pulled him up on his behaviour outside the home, he was enraged.

I remember telling him “Well, at least I am the same person outside as I am at home. You’re two different people.” I didn’t realise how important my words were, what an ugly truth they signified.

He was horrified to think that I might let on to other people what he was really like.

[phantasmagorical]

This is true; I’m remembering some of the things I said to him and looking at some messages, it’s like I’m seeing straight through him. But I was trying to kid myself I was exaggerating, or else explain it away by saying I was angry and wasn’t thinking straight. And then feeling half-convinced by his responses, although “safe” once again, but never quite sure and always aiming the doubt back onto myself and my thought processes.

I don’t think he wants me talking to people on his side about how he’s been. His sibling advised his friend to ignore my messages for whatever reason, but the friend has been communicating with me anyway, and I don’t know if that’s partly why my ex is giving them the cold shoulder now.

[Author]

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