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So (detail removed by moderator) was the first day i was at work while the children were on holiday. All day there has been niggles of things. (Detail removed by moderator) I was wearing something around my neck (detail removed by moderator) but will not give details lol) and he pulled it from the back so it was tight against my neck (detail removed by moderator) let it go again although, he knew what it was!
I’ve been asked to babysit (detail removed by moderator). I told him (detail removed by moderator) I was going to do it and he went in an instant bad mood (detail removed by moderator)….lasted a few minutes of him stressing out and then he went on to talk about something else and settled down. He knows I like to get to work a few minutes early to get time (detail removed by moderator). He is normally an impatient driver, complaining and getting angry if people in front don’t go the speed limit, (detail removed by moderator) he seemed to be the opposite for (detail removed by moderator) when there was no-one else on the road! I made it to work right on time.During work, I got a message to tell me our child who has medical needs, (detail removed by moderator). When I was picked up after work, he made sure to tell me all the things he’d had to do for our children throughout the day. I went to pick up our other child from my friends house and he insisted on dropping me off (detail removed by moderator) and picking me up – at which point he sat revving the car!! and (detail removed by moderator) when we arrived home because i didn’t say thank you. I was (detail removed by moderator) and he walked out (detail removed by moderator) switching the lights off all the way through the house so it was dark.
So although for the most part, he has been in a seemingly great mood, the kids have had a great day, all these other things are niggling at me. Million dollar question – am I being too sensitive and seeing problems where there maybe aren’t any?
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You’re absolutely not too sensitive which I’m sure is something he’s accused you of being. All these behaviours are designed to undermine you. Abusers hate when we are independent and they hate helping out. They feel entitled to have you run after them, they want you at home where they can keep an eye on you and have your sole focus on them, underneath they’re weak and selfish and insecure and this behaviour gets worse. They leave us exhausted, destroying career prospects, anything that brings us happiness is unacceptable. Family responsibility is all yours, it’s beneath them. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Trying to disrupt your work and make you anxious by telling your about your child is tropical abuser behaviour too. A good question to ask yourself is would you behave this way? No. It’s unacceptable. Keep a secret journal because this behaviour is going to get worse. It’s gaslighting and makes your feel insane. Really really bad for your mental health x
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No you’re not too sensitive, as KIP said these are the actions which feel impossible to tell others about but make you feel undermined or uneasy, and when added up paint a picture. I’ve had that driving slow when you need to be somewhere when normally his driving was manic, that and many of the other things you mention are to get a reaction from you so he can react back, or to put you on edge and control you that way. Disrupting work is also common, I realised I’d been hiding all this from several managers over the years and it gets exhausting. The good mood part is doing what it’s supposed to – making you doubt his negative actions, making you doubt yourself, stopping you challenging him. Trust your gut x
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Thank you both. I’ve noticed he has started referring to money as his and mine. Before it was never split – he worked, I didn’t and it wasn’t really mentioned other than in an argument when he would say I didn’t contribute anything to the family. Now, he’ll ask if I’m paying for stuff and if I say yes, he acts shocked. It’s so strange to “say” these things and if it acknowledged as not being normal. I haven’t said anything for years as it’s just the way it was.
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the biggest red flag that you’ve mentioned is tightening something around your throat. Don’t dismiss this, it is a sign of something a lot deeper in him. Its seriously abusive and indicative of his deeper personality that he doesn’t always show, that will get worse.
Prioritise yourself and your children and be safe, have a bag packed should you need to suddenly go. Put all your vital docs in it, birth certs, passports, utility bills, some cash, and maybe you could leave it with a friend even so that he won’t find it accidentally.
warmest wishes
ts
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It was only pulled back for a second before letting it go again but I did take notice and make a little mental note. I may mention it to the family support worker at school I have mentioned this all to (and who is part of the school team checking in with my children and helping me develop a safety plan) – unsure yet as I don’t want to over-dramatise or have any action taken I’m not ready for so will see how things are when i need see her.
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hi Grumblebear
yes, what’s important is that you did take a mental note of it, its very sinister in its intent to frighten.
I’m glad you have contacts in place with family support team through the school and are being helped to make safety plans.
Take your time, and keep taking those mental notes to keep track of everything, and yes, keep talking to those who are there to protect yourself and your children.
warmest wishes
ts
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Grumblebear, there are problems (with him with a capital p) your not being too sensitive, your still in the thick of it so your understandably questioning, but there’s similarities to some things I’ve experienced and the other girls on here have as well, cos we’re seeing from an outsider perspective and also experienced we can see exactly what’s going on, I’m just gonna say this your on the right forum, please seek outside help and support from a domestic abuse agencies (only if and when your ready though)
🍭🐻🍭
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