Paternal Grandmother

[Butterflyblue]

Anyone else still in touch with your ex’s parents for the sake of the children?

My ex has nothing to do with my daughter. He has parental responsibility as he is on the birth certificate but has chosen not to see our child or support financially all of this I feel is actually for the best, however his mother is keen to have a relationship with her granddaughter through me. I have been meeting her on occasion to try and do what’s best for my child but each time I meet her it brings everything back up for me and leaves me thinking about things angry/sad/doubt all over again. His mother is pleasant enough but acts as if nothing at all has happened. She knows what’s happened as been called by police etc but yet has never mentioned anything.
I’m struggling and just wondering if anyone else does meet the paternal grandparents and feeling the same?

[fizzylem]

No he ran a very successful smear campaign and they all think I’m as dreadful as he told them – contrary to the fact they never heard or saw anything and I always treated them all with kindness. TBH they come from the same stock; so I never pushed for it. Even the women think the men reign supreme, that there are different rules for them; if you’re a boy in that family then great, but if you’re a girl – meh. Thankfully this works in our favour.

It might be that she thinks it’s a hot topic and so better to avoid bringing it up? She clearly wants a relationship with your child and so probably thinks its wise not to bring it up incase it upsets you – sometimes we step on things accidentally and upset people – think most people tend to think better not to go there. Just an idea.

If you feel it is some how getting in the way then you could bring it up, what is it you’d like her to say? Or to say to her?

Ive noticed that if I bring him into any conversation it infects it, it’s like I’m a vehicle for his toxicity; I feel much better when he’s not mentioned, as it doesn’t leave me feeling in a difficult situation.

It may be that you feel you need to address things, in a kind of one time only conversation, to get things off your chest; and set some ground rules with her before you feel free to enjoy the meet ups? Guess for me I’d want to know if I can rely on her not to report back for a start. Maybe you need to set it up so you agree to only talk about your child and nothing else?

I would have maintained contact if she’d approached me; but she never did; but then that’s because none of them can really be bothered and it kind of suits us that way; could see it could be more trouble than it was worth and she would have to have always shown me nothing but respect and support, not sure she could have done this, maybe to my face, but I know she is one of those women that moans about everyone as soon as you are out of ear shot – no one seemed to escape this; she can be a great granny for 5 mins, but seemed more interested in moaning to her son about everyone than in us when we visited. I used to have to take my child in the other room out of the way.

It’s entirely up to you whether you try to move forwards with her in your child’s life; guess you need to work out if she will be supportive of you both and a great grandma.

You would need some clear boundaries in place though to manage it; you wouldnt want him gaining access to you via her would you. Things change, sometimes they change their mind, want to see the child again, which can be because they want to see the child sometimes, but it can be just to get access to you becasue he wants you back or because he wants to cause you difficulties, not always no, but sometimes they do; what happens then? If you have something set up that is based on respect and trust, that feels safe and works already this could help a great deal – or do you see there could be difficulties down the line – if so what? Perhaps you need to discuss how you would manage these if they did ever arise with her.

It’s a tough one for sure; I admire you for trying as it would be nice for your child to have access to her granny hey, if this can be all good, but I would also understand if you decided it just wasn’t worth it.

She knows this relationship is fragile and dependant on whether you want it or not; only you will know if you think she can be trusted and whether this is a good idea or a bad one.

I think you will feel triggered for a while, would take time for the trust to develop and for him to become not part of the meet ups for you – over time x

[KIP.]

I’m wondering if she’s ashamed after all it is her son. It must be sad for her too but I’d give her a chance to have a relationship as it’s good for a child to have a granny. Definitely set boundaries and start slowly. Maybe a FaceTime contact. You need to ask yourself if it’s just your trauma triggers or if there is any basis for you not to allow contact. It might be good to tell her how you feel or write it down if you can’t talk to her face to face. You won’t always feel this way so it would be a shame to pass up on her help. It’s not her fault her son turned into an abuser. There’s only one person to blame and loads of collateral damage x

[Butterflyblue]

Thanks for replying Fizzylem and Kip!

Fizzylem your reply has got me thinking and what do I really want from her is good question and I think the answer is an apology/acknowledgment which of course I won’t get as this is her son. The fact she says nothing is maybe a blessing and I hadn’t looked at it that way.
Maybe a one of conversation is what I need in order to just say how I feel and set the boundaries ie- my ex must not see my daughter through her etc. Again unsure if i’ll feel comforted by it but it’s worth a shot at least I know I’ve said it and put it out there.

I think you are right KIP it isn’t her fault that her son is the way he is and I think the positives at the moment, outweigh the cons of her seeing her grandmother.

I’ve messaged her to see if she would be free to meet to discuss things and clear the air. The last message was a little heated as we had organised a date to meet but I didn’t hear from her…but I think a misunderstanding..

Thanks for the advice again and hope you’re both having a relaxing Sunday! X

[fizzylem]

Great, she could certainly acknowledge how you feel and what happened if this is important to you, and I bet she does feel sorry re how it all turned out. I think if you are both respectful and mindful of one another’s feelings and how this is difficult for the both of you, are both honest ‘enough’ you could get what you need here, especially if you say you feel you only need to visit this once to enable you all to move forwards.

My fingers are crossed for you; but if you set it up regarding what you need in place to help it work then you have done all you can – she may turn out to be a good source of support for the both of you – which is often needed isnt it when raising a child alone x

[Cecile]

Ask her. Get your cards on the table from the beginning so there is no blurred boundaries and you are certain of her loyalties and wether or not she has a realistic perspective. I realise now that my mother in law actually tried to warn me some decades back and I thought rather stupidly she was just being odd. She made a point of saying several times to my husband, in front of me that he had always had anger problems and always would. I also saw him being abusive to her and he hit her once when he was driving. Therefore never assume grans are in denial or alternatively that they are clear about the issues. If she has empathy with your children she should show sensitivity to the risks her son poses. Also you need to act in your own best interest or none of your relationships will work. Do not have a fog on this one. Put your self first and everything else will fall into place. 👍

[Butterflyblue]

Thank you Cecile, wise words..
I guess I do feel so foggy and self doubt all my decisions but I will lay all my cards on the table when we speak and go from there. She’s empathetic towards my daughter but I know she doesn’t/chooses not to believe what I’ve told her ie – ‘he wouldn’t do something like that’ etc so I don’t think she does see him as a risk at all. There has never been enough of proof with the police and so everything is my word against his in her eyes. Unfortunately from what I’ve seen and the way my ex used to speak about his dad, her husband is abusive. Interestingly she also gave me some advice a while back when I spoke to her about his ‘jeoulsy’ and she said her husband was also like that and to make sure I don’t lose all my friends as that was the biggest mistake she ever did.

I’ve moved myself and the children out of (detail removed by moderator) so we’re around an hour away from where she thinks she is so I’m unsure if and when I will tell her Ive moved, will just see how that initial chat goes…

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