Peace and Pa

[Serenity]

Hi Peace and Pain,

Reading your posts today brought tears to my eyes, because I could identify so much with your situation.

My ex also kept walking out and scaring me, knowing I had a fear of abandonment. It got me into a state of pure terror, especially as he had made me dependent in so many ways by monopolising everything.

He walked out in the end and made out it was for good. He too was uncontactable, then suddenly reappeared, hooting, waving and beeping as he passed me on the road, etc, acting like he was high or something. It was like a knife to my heart. How could he behave this way? I couldn’t work out if he was sick, evil or mad.

He too complained that he was ‘roughing it’ and sleeping in his van and sofa-surfing. He also said his health was poor. A carbon copy of yours.

I couldn’t work out his reasons for going. Either:

1) He was angry that Ai had finally stood up to him about something

2) He was furious and felt like he was losing power, as after years I had stopped pleading for him to return when he walked out

3)He was furious because I was concentrating on my newfound job and the kids and not just him

4) I was unwell and he didn’t wish to care for me

5) He was having an affair

6) He was executing a calculated plan ( I later found he was hiding money and had been for a long while).

To be honest, I think it was a mixture of all the above. He married for his own convenience, to get his own needs met, took advantage of me and whenever I expressed an opinion or had a need, I was punished for it. He had told himself he was staying in the marriage as long as it suited him and as long as he was treated like a god, but would leave if he ever wanted to, taking all the money with him.

However, that didn’t stop him from declaring complete innocence, and trying to. Lame me, accusing me of things I wasn’t guilty of. I think this was projection- he felt guilty for having done things wrong ( or rather, worried he would be fond out) and rather than admit this, he thought he would blame me and so I and everyone else would be manipulated into believing he was blameless. Things just didn’t make sense. I knew I hadn’t done anything that wrong, yet his accusations were so believable, even I began doubting my own innocence! They are brainwashers.

The thing is, it had taken me nearly two years to come to some semblance of understanding over why he behaved as he did. And I think it is all about selfishness and arrogance.

I think they are naturally selfish and arrogant, and having us love and care for them made their egos inflate even more. They begin to feel like gods, because we gave them so much, and feel entitled to anything they want. They are also cruel. They like to feel power and can feel this by causing us upset. Knowing they can affect us gives them a kick. They are sick.

Peace and Pain, I completely feel your pain and I am sending you a massive hug. I know you can’t hurry up the process and I am not pretending that it will be an easy journey to recovery, but I am two years out now and am 70% there. I was a state at first, like you.

I had PTSD and trembled the whole day. I have attended counselling and support groups, and got all the help I can. And though I never thought I could recover or get over his treatment, I am well over him and I hate everything that he stands for. I have divorced him and dont want him anywhere near me. I never believed I could say that.

They are arrogant. Our love has gone to their heads. They are on a power trip. The best thing you can do is go no contact with the sick man and show him that in fact he hasn’t got your unconditional love, because you aren’t prepared to be with a man who treats you as he has done. No contact is hard, but it’s the only way.

My ex is still trying to hoover me up and contact me even now- but just to continue the selfish power games, I am sure. No doubt yours will continue to try to hoover you up too, and make contact, just to feel powerful. You are worth more. I know your partner’s type: he is like my ex, arrogant and cruel. We are worth more than that. I know you have a history together, but this man is sick, like my ex is. Sick with his own arrogance.

Hugs X

[Peace and pain]

well i have just seen him whilst driving pulled up next to him he looks awful – isaid are you ok and he sai dyes i said can we talk and he said no nottoday he is stressed and had some bad news

i was weak and sent him this email
I don’t really know what to say I have tried to beg,plead with you . I can say I miss u, love you miss trying to be a good wife it’s really all not important , I can give you space , I can forgive you I can not forget but all of this is totally pointless , when I married you I didn’t take on your stress problems I became a wife which is to help you and support you . I have not got a clue what is going on and only you do . As a husband I you should be able to tell me anything yeah I may have a different opinion but you have different opinions than me but that is life . I can not be there for you when you don’t let me in . Everyone says it gets easier haha well it does not I saw you today omg I just wanted you to tell me you problems your worries that is what a wife is for , anyway I am at an end of what I can do , I have had so much go on the past few weeks and the one person I wanted to be there was my husband I feel like half of me has gone my mr right like I was your mrs right . I really have no idea what is going on but I can not help you if you don’t let me .
If you need to talk ( not about us because I am not even ready to go there ) about anything you know where I am and my number is
Look after your self make sure you eat and sleep and be strong I know deep down you are a mess and that’s not you the jay I meet was my rock my wide boy and that’s who I loved x

i have done everything i can and hopefully this will be the last contact i have i hate him but love him if that makes sense and really think he has a mental illness for years ago that he has just covered up and i still think him having a normal life is too uch and he doesnt know how to cope and runs away

i felt it was right to email but now think am i just playing into his game but i still think there is more to do with mental health problems on his side i am scared to be proved wrong

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