People just don't understand

[Sad sunflower]

So my ex emailed me (I’ve blocked his number and on social media) a few days ago after he saw some pictures of me and a male friend on someone’s profile o social media. He said he realised he had a problem and was seeking help. He sent several emails. The first ones seeking for forgiveness. Then everything turned into abuse again.

I don’t know why I felt the need to explain yo him that I am not dating my friend on the pictures. So I replied to his emails. Big mistake! I ended up engaging in a (Detail removed by Moderator) day long conversation with him where I was emotionally abused again. He now goes from the honeymoon period to aggression in no time. I had enough and stoped replying. I feel strong enough to stop contact. I cannot deny that at some point I wanted to believe him. I wanted to think that maybe in a couple of years, after he went to counseling, we could be together. I don’t even know why as I don’t love him anymore. Fortunately I soon realised how silly my thoughts were. I feel it gets easier to stop contact with him. I don’t feel those awful cravings anymore and I feel proud of myself. Im proud I stopped contact.

However there’s something that’s bugging me. After his first emails I texted a friend of mine and told her about it. I opened up and told her I was a bit scared. She replied mocking me, telling me there’s nothing to be scared of, that I should just block him and that would make him go away. She also said I didn’t block him because I don’t want things to end. I am so upset about that right now. Of course I have blocked him! It makes me mad that she thinks I didn’t block him. It was as if she was saying everything was my fault. She said she wasn’t going to waste her time trying to reason with me because she knew I was enjoying the drama he brought to my life! How dare she! I felt like my whole experience and my recovery journey were completely invalidated by her. I just replied that I did block him long time ago. She didn’t text me back. God I’m so angry. I think people like here are the reason why many women don’t break the silence. We need to be understood and supported, not judged for God’s sake!

[Sad sunflower]

I forgot to say that my friends and family nelieve that now that he thinks I’m seeing someone else (someone he has always disliked) he might be dangerous. A part of me feels a bit scared but I also don’t want to believe he’s going to start stalking me or something. Do you ladies think he might get violent? Should I be concerned? They tell me this is nowhere near over. I don’t know what to think anymore. Is he really going to keep trying to contact me? Is he going to get violent? What do I need to do for this to be over?! I want him out of my life, I really do!

[KIP.]

I think you should speak to the domestic abuse police. These men are most dangerous when we end things. When they lose control and jealousy is a common reason for violence. He’s obviously not respecting your request for him to not contact you. At least you now realise it’s a waste of time trying to reason with him.

[HopeLifeJoy]

…And about your friend who don’t validate and don’t believe you but mock you instead, I know how it feels, it’s devastating, I had that feeling with my second abuser.
Cut or minimise contact with her, she is no good.
You need all the support you can get to move forward, you do not need being insulted by people who don’t care or don’t understand.
Distance yourself without a word from this friend.
Surround you with people who support and understand you.

[banks]

Dear Sad Sunflower,

Like it was said above, he does not respect your boundaries and tries to contact you so perhaps reporting him if you feel threatened would be good, at least its recorded and make sure, for some time at least, you have someone to be with you all the time if you can. My ex now stalks me and in the evenings, I do not come outside of my room, and feel so stressed and scared, I am moving out of the place I live and move with family for few months but he is making me leave my home, my job and my friends.

I feel like you – i get sad, and it is hard, but it gets easier and I do not even want to speak to him, because he only shows me now that he is not capable of being emotionally mature and cares only about his selfish needs by harassing me. And not once he said he wanted me back, it is only about control. So well done for being able to pull yourself back from these ‘day dreams’ back into reality and see him for who he really is.

As for your ‘friend’ – what a horrible thing to say. Some people do not understand, but this is different altogether, she is being horrible, ignorant and judgemental instead of trying to be supportive. If you can, forget her.
We are here for you, and we understand. You are doing so well – even when it does happen that we get tempted to read what they have to say, we are only human after all and we did/do love them, we can still learn from this and further reinforce our decision to move on with our lives, just like you did, well done !! My advice would be, at least it worked for me, to never ever read anything. It is difficult, but it is much easier not knowing – will it make a difference to all the abuse? No. Therefore it is not worth your time and your energy. Hope this helps 🙂

Banks x

[Rainbowcloud]

The cycle of abuse is so complicated I don’t even understand it I always wanted mine to change but they never do and a tiny part wants the nice person back but they were never ever nice to begin with. My friends have said the same in so many words but it’s hard to get rid of these men esp when you have feelings for them and they just keep bouncing right back to you as they want to continue abusing you.
He may or may not stalk you it or depends all you can do is sit it out and hope for the best and hope he doesn’t in my experience they take ages to leave you alone and sometimes never do

[Sad sunflower]

Thank you ladies for your replies. @KIP I am just so afraid of speaking to the police but I understand I have to, or else he’s never going to leave me alone.
About my friend, I have taken everyone’s advice and decided to stop talking to her. She texted me a few days ago to check on me but I just didn’t reply.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Sad sunflower,

I second what everyone else said, best to report him as he’s violating your boundaries and moving into harassment territory. My ex did the same thing, he emailed me after I blocked him on my phone and social media. They hate it when they realise they are losing control. He’ll never change and is incapable of a healthy loving relationship. I too was terrified of going to the police but glad I did as the harassment stopped after that.

And as for that friend, she sounds horrendous. I had some unsupportive friends I had to get rid of too. She sounds particularly bad as she is also mocking you and being accusatory and rude. As you heal you’ll have much less tolerance for people like that. Just block and ignore her from now on, she may even be in contact with your ex if she is being that unpleasant and therefore being in contact with her may not even be safe.

Well done and keep going on your new path.

[JaneEyre]

Report him! Then stop all contact with your uncaring friend.
I went to the police about my husband and it was the MOST terrifying thing I ever did….but the best.

I threw up 4 times while I was there out of guilt/fear and the feeling that I was betraying him somehow.

But it got him out of the house which I had never managed to achieve before.

I had no idea I was in a domestic abuse relationship. None whatsoever, till I was advised to look up trauma bonding.

Then it all made sense.

I know it is extremely frightening but once it’s done it will feel like you have taken back some control.

Stay strong and I wish you all the very best.

I sound much more confident than I feel I can assure you as it is still very early days for me and worry everyday that he will somehow convince me to let him back in but I’m so determined this time.

Yesterday I found some messages on my phone from exactly a year ago telling him how unhappy I was and begging him to change or else I would leave.

A whole year of trying to make my marriage work, all he did in that year was get worse.

I refuse to waste another day. Don’t waste another year like I did.

Good luck and take care.
You can do this!
JaneEyre xx

[banks]

Dear Sad Sunflower,

Just wanted to let you know – i was terrified of taking actions, but finally did. Told as many people as I could (and at times, it felt like I was betraying him) but I decided to keep myself safe. Do not ever hesitate to report any harassement and if you ever feel unsafe. I did go to authorities, and to people that can protect me from him, and the support was overwhelming. I was so trauma bonded, that I worried how he will react but guess what, I am feeling safer and I realised this is about me now.

Also, good for cutting the friend out. You do not need people like this in your life.
Hang in there, we love and support you,

Banks x

[fizzylem]

Block them both! Yes, unless you have experienced an abusive relationship yourself you can never really get it. I have a great friend, she tried her best to try and undertsand but I could see she just never really got it, I really appreciated her for this though, for trying, but I have given up trying to access her for emotional support with this matter. I have fun with her and mummy chats and that’s it now. I go to those who do get it for support, my refuge worker, on here, the helpline.

I think I come across as angry, bitter and twisted, the one with with issue, the problem to anyone who doesn’t get it, so I don’t do it anymore and I feel much better for it. Different people meet different needs and that’s ok. FL.

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