People keep saying I am amazing and resilient, but I feel like it’s normal

[Anonymous]

I spoke with my counsellor today regarding some comment people keep making in praising me for how I am coping. I don’t feel like I cope particularly well, I have had a lot of changes, getting away from abuse, moving out, dealing with 4 children, starting a new job, living in a new area, but all of this seems normal life. I am not sure if I feel less affected by all the changes now as I am less in fear of abuse and the abuse he inflicts now is indirect mainly through the children, so I guess it is a vast improvement on me living with abuse. I guess my main reason for posting is I am slightly apprehensive I may be in denial, or that things have not yet hit me. I have left my ex now since the summer. I don’t seem to get the longing to be back with him….I go through a kind of grieving process where I feel angry, and sad at the loss of what I thought was a family unit, but I don’t think I actually miss him. Is it a defensive mechanism to protect myself from him, or will missing him just hit me, or will I never feel like I miss him. Does it make me callous not missing him?

[tobehappy]

I hope it means you are ready to build a new life…because you have described exactly how I feel. I worry about the children as I think he may focus all his attention on them. I don’t miss him and am sad for the loss of the family unit. Since I moved out I have never actually missed him.

I think you are able to cope with all the changes as anything is easier than dealing with their behaviour. I also feel like that. I did everything I did whilst I was in the relationship despite what he did to sabotage it. It must be easier to do these things with no-one working against you.

I am not quite there yet as we have the legal stuff to sort which surprise, surprise he is dragging his feet with but I do imagine a life without him and I am starting to feel more hopeful about the future. I think I will always feel sad about the loss of the family unit but I think I can deal with that.

I found it easier as he was always horrible. I didn’t get the love-bombing. Certainly not for a very long time…not sure I ever did. What is there to miss?

You sound like you are an independent person who is able to plan your own life. Good on you 🙂

[Anonymous]

Tobehappy, thank you for replying. I was living quite independently up until a few years ago. But having children with him like you, gives a slight hold of power on his part still. There has been the typical victim status he casts himself as, but obviously the young children take this on board. This I still find hard to cope with even though, I have accepted that my expectations need to be low of him, I still am battling with this. I don’t think he realises his damaging behaviour towards the children or else he would not behave the way he does.
You mentioned love bombing, I never had that experience either (it kind of makes me feel even more silly and gullible- knowing I never saw a fantastic side to him). Looking back I made some terrible decision thinking it was for the best, but how very wrong I was. So I don’t see myself as a massive victim, because I did have a choice, I choose to put up with an abusive situation as I felt it being a family, even a very abusive and dysfunctional relationship was very wrong. I only realise the damage caused by this now I am out of the relationship. I think we are both doing well, but my philosophy is now…it took over a decade to chip away at my self confidence (which I let happen), so it will take a long time to restore things. Wishing u the best and hoping we can all reach a happier place soon x x

[tobehappy]

Hi Unity, I was the same. Things got worse as I worked less after having children. Although he wasn’t too happy when I was the main earner either. I am still surprised by the things he does and says even if afterwards I look back and it is obvious that he would choose to do and say those things. I don’t think a rational mind can comprehend their behaviour.
I think they are aware aware of their behaviour but simply don’t care as it gets them what they want. If they do have any concerns then they just blame someone else. My ex used to say he could do anything if he could justify it to himself. Little did I know then how much he could justify to himself.
I guess there must have been good times in our relationship but I can’t remember much. I do remember feeling that I had to shut away a lot of my personality from very early on in the relationship. Now I understand why!
I realised it was abuse when I was searching on the internet for a solution to our relationship difficulties. One thing lead to another and the pieces started to fall into place. I have found it a relief in a way as I thought I had turned into a paranoid, depressed person who had no interests, no friends and no future.
It is hard rebuilding but I hang onto the fact that the person I was when I was with him is not the real me. Perhaps people aren’t all talking about me like he said. Just imagine what we can achieve now they are not pulling us back. It will take time but this is my chance to be happy and I am b****y well gonna take it! x

[Anonymous]

I met with,a few friends today, and it startled me that they are all dealing with their own demons. It may be depression, abuse, confidence, but I came away thinking its pretty normal to be feeling like I sometimes feel (depressed, angry, frustrated, guilty, sombre, because what I have dealt with has been incredibly tough

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