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Things were going so well… The pc who’s looking after me on the risk assessment program called social services and made it very clear I’m being abused and I’m not mentally in stable- so the social worker miraculously closed the case. Hurray… One person finally off my back… And then his bail being extended they can investigate more… Seems like they are keen to pin something on him.
But years of abuse and I don’t know what is what.
I have such little self beliefe that the smallest thing can have me feeling it wasn’t abuse and I was the problem. My health visitor refered me to some service that apparently do causes to teach us to recognize and help with the effects of abuse on children…. Something like that.
But I can’t do that. And the instant the women on the phone told me about the course I felt responsible. I have this huge guilt that my children have seen me a crying emotional wreck. It’s me they have seen that way not him. I have tried so so hard over the years to hide my tears or to not react and to keep it together when he’s left me. But once our baby was here I couldn’t hide it or hold it together any more. So my eldest daughter did seen me at my worst. And now I feel I am the bad person- a bad parent for not being stronger. I see it like this- he has physically assulted me.. And even if he chose to do this every single day but my children didn’t witness it. If I were to be upset and emotionally effected by this- I am the one who has to get help to learn to hide it from my children. I don’t understand- I don’t need parenting classes I need help to believe my own feelings are important and I shouldn’t let him walk all over me. This just makes me feel that my feelings aren’t important and that I should’ve just taken it all because then my children wouldn’t have suffered :,(.
Or it makes me feel I’m selfish and a bad mum for staying with him. I already for pathetic and bad enough. I don’t need to go to a place where I’m told that I’m a bad person for believing him.
Maybe practically speaking… It mite be useful to see if my eldest is effected by it and to know the rite ways to deal with that. But at the moment I have no self worth as it is. The only thing locally available to me is the freedom project. I went to one session of that last year and came away feeling I couldn’t relate to any of it and that maybe I was wrong.. Again it mite be useful in the future… But I need to fully believe it first and build up confidence…. Does anyone els ever feel this way? -
Hi, I think these people just like to have to feel they are doing something , has this suggestion from the HV come since SS closed the case, they just want to pressurise you to see what the effects of abuse are on children, they cannot see that you have enough to cope with at present with coming to terms with what has happened and the truth of what he has really done to you, they have to tick boxes and see that they are doing the “right” thing, tell them you are not seeing him at the moment as he is on bail they are most likely trying to get you to see that he is not good for you and your children but you are working thro that yourself , dot be pushed by them at all, then cant force you to attend anything, just say maybe in the future, hopefully that will get them off your back, too many people interfere and make things worse, weareal differnt and they think one size fits all and it is not in yor best interest at present to do this x*x
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Hi Starmoon, I agree in part with Godschild. It would depend very much on the knowledge of the facilitators of the course and the agency providing it. If it’s a women’s aid thing it might be worthwhile but I’d certainly be cautious. As you say you are still very much coming to terms with the abuse. Maybe the freedom programme (and dv counselling) if possible would be a better place to start your recovery. To me the very fact you feel all that guilt proves you more than understand the impact of HIS abuse on your children. Hopefully knowing you are addressing it in some way will keep the professionals satisfied. It’s OK to trust what is right for you and you have every right to tell them what you need. Your children will feel better when you feel better x*x
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The referral was made months ago but they’ve only just gotten around to it. The health visitor has actually been amazing threw this whole thing. She spotted he was abusing me before he’d left, she’s pushed and argued my case all along saying I was a perfectly capable parent but now I’ve calmed down I suspect it was a ticking boxes situation. The girl on the phone was lovely.. I said he’s the abuser… Shouldn’t you be sending him to classes to learn how to not put his children threw it. She agreed with me. But I guess she has to do her job. I’m looking into private dv counseling at the moment and I do want to brave the freedom program again once I’m stronger… It just all comes at once and feels over whelming. Thank you for your replies
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