Personal power

[gemgirl]

Hello, I’m new to these forums. Recently I’ve been feeling pulled down by memories of things my (now ex) partner said to me that really cut me, and by my own feelings of frustration, low-ness and anger that are the result of being subject to his manipulations and cruelty. I’ve had these thoughts: “I ended the relationship and am free now, so why do I still feel affected by his treatment?” and continuing to blame myself for not moving on fast enough or for getting into the relationship in the first place.

Today is a special day astrologically (if you’re into that), a full-moon eclipse in Taurus, which is apparently associated with reflection and setting intentions. I am taking some time to appreciate and recognise everything that I have done that is an exercise and reclamation of my own power, from leaving the relationship to joining this forum – the beauty of efforts towards health, wellness and the right to receive love without abuse, even when these efforts do not always feel like they are “working”. I am grateful to be a part of this space and I want to encourage you to keep trying and not give up on yourself even if you feel depressed and hopeless sometimes.

A feeling that I have often is fear/panic, something that I was prone to before getting into an emotionally abusive relationship, that has intensified as a result of feeling like I had to walk on eggshells and tiptoe around my partner’s endless triggers and subsequent outpourings of cruelty, rage and pain. For example, I will think about something that I either want or need to do, such as go to the gym or do some overdue paperwork for my job, and the initial pull towards doing it is met by a panic feeling of paralysis where I feel deeply afraid of doing that thing. I have been pushing myself to do the thing anyway – not perfectly, and I don’t necessarily feel “good” afterwards, but I am now seeing this as a victory anyway!

I hope that if you’re managing similar feelings to me or any feelings of pain, which you probably are if you’re a survivor of domestic abuse, that you take the time today to feel the energy and defiance of victimhood/powerless that is present in all steps you are taking to look after yourself, no matter how small or large. Blessings and love to you all, wish you many successes in the recovery process. <3 <3

[older lady]

Hi, I find your post motivating.

For me it’s been almost too easy to become low and negative about all the damage and wasted years, and forget the freedom and potential of my life now. I wonder why that is? I wonder if I’m refusing to let go because I don’t want to forget what he did to me, afraid it could happen again, or angry that I just have to let it go without justice. I also have survivor guilt. He told me he was at war with me, but he’s gone & I’m still here. I feel sad for him. He was superficially happy but ruined his relationships (with everyone).

I used to like Oracle cards, etc., not because I think they can predict the future but because I think images are a useful way for me to start to think about issues, feelings, etc. I used to like all kinds of things but having him in my life crushed that side of myself. I suppose I can take an interest in all these things again, it’s just that whoever I was before I met him made me vulnerable to someone like him, so I’ve shut the door on that side of myself. Hope that makes sense?
I think domestic abuse can crush the ‘spirit’ inside oneself, what is fine, delicate, young, hopeful, believing. It’s just onwards in survivor mode… although, from time to time, I prayed to God to free me.

I’ll think about the moon (as a feminine symbol) & light a candle this evening (like I once used to).

Many thanks, and blessings to you.

[gemgirl]

Hello,

Thanks for commenting on this. I’m glad that you found my post motivating, and I’m sorry that you went through abuse that has resulted in your being here. My relationship was quite short, which has perhaps diminished my sense of wasted time, but I think it’s hard to let go without there being justice or some kind of resolution.

Do you do any creative activities? I am a writer and find that this can be helpful, you can write about some of the feelings inside you or can focus on other things – nature, beauty, life, anything! – that are a distraction. Good for getting in touch with your inner self and getting a reminder of how resourceful you are.

[older lady]

Hi,
I used to enjoy all sorts of things, creatively & so on, but writing is the most difficult because I’ve found that I freeze. I’m used to my words having been ignored for so long (even used to attack me with), important words like ‘no’; even sounds like tears were mocked, so I stopped. Even smiling feels unnatural; I’ve been on ‘mute’ for a long time.
I’m glad you do not feel the waste of time, so much, although the traumatic effects are still present. I’m pretty sure this is so much about trauma, and how the brain reacts to and tries to manage trauma. I remember, years ago, on this forum the ladies described the effects as like the abuser still having a free ride in their head; I thought of it as malware in my brain (for a while). Now I think it’s trauma and the residual effects of it residing in the body and especially the brain. At the moment for me, understanding trauma is a way of understanding myself, and taking care of myself as someone profoundly injured. The injuries are not always visible, although there are those scars too.
I notice you say you’re prone to panic. Grounding techniques can help with this; feeling in the present, realizing that you are safe where you are, and knowing that your brain is trying to help keep you safe, even tho it’s wrong time wrong place.
I’ve been through terrible embarrassment at my own panic attacks (just trying to do normal things), until I realised I deserved compassion, for what I’d been through, not berating for failing to function. Probably self-compassion was the beginning of caring for myself.
Anyway, you’re not alone. Take care x

[nbumblebee]

Sorry to jump on but I love this replie.
I see things like im in a he and as much as i try and dig myself out push myself up he is standing at the top. Occasionally he throws rocks which hurt for a short while but easily forgotten but the mud, the constant mud that he throws in small bits each and every day that sticks. It sticks to every single part of me and i cant get it off, it weighs me doen and stops me from climbing my way out of my hole.

[older lady]

Seems like an image of being daily worn down. You can’t look up, or try to help yourself out, because he’s at the top, blocking the way. If you weren’t in that hole, what would he do? He’d have to carry his own s**t around, instead of dumping it on you…
I used to feel it in my skin; a strange, creeping, burning feeling that spread up my arms (especially) and was an immediate response to the hurling of abuse; perhaps I would describe it having fireballs thrown at me, burning me up, trying to destroy me.
Maybe you will grow, become too tall for any hole he can dig for you, maybe he will shrink from his own poison. Maybe one day you’ll be looking down at him.
Until that day, there are many here who’ve been in that hole, too, and will be wishing you out.

[older lady]

Just wanted to add something..

I’m learning about the effects of trauma. I can relate so much to how I feel to the experience of domestic abuse as a trauma, and it’s really helping. I’m starting to understand a lot more about ‘why’…

x

[Author]

Posts