5th January 2021 at 10:44 pm #119199SmallasmustardseedParticipant
Hello all, thanks if you read this
I feel I’m going entirely out of my mind .. I’ve sought help for depression ,anxiety ,pain , panic attacks so for background as I know my husband says that this is why I am over sensitive etc and it is my issue .. I want to give that picture first because then you know all of my history (minus details) etc.
My husband is older than me by quite some
Of a a generation so I thought ( as he said most like him are ) that I assumed many must be like him – the typical not ever doing any child care as he calls it or how he says he sees men’s role being one thing and mine completely subject to it.
when we first met pre children we used to have massive huge heated arguments many times with drink involved and we have “split up” on many many occasions or I’ve tried to ….where I really thought surely he may be feeling so sorry for things as I did etc ( after him pushing me down and me accidentally me hurting myself, or him throwing something but not at me and there’s only then been the few occasions of him grabbing my wrists or my neck and jaw in desperation (detail removed by moderator) but then after each time he would say things like how HE “ understands and forgives “ or how I just make him so angry “ but then other times he would do things like just completely ignoring me after so it was me that chased him .
I used to be so beside myself and I can’t remember now in hindsight why I was so desperate to get him to forgive me when I’ve tried to think what I did wrong .
Years on and my beautiful children later there is too much to write about but I know I’m partly responsible I just don’t quite know what’s deemed normal now and am scared that I don’t trust myself mentally because I’m certain I’d never treat anyone like this and I don’t know what I’m trying to say … but I don’t know if it’s the personality of him that is getting to me and it’s more me just having issue with him as so many things I have massive issue with but when I write them down they seem so small … but I feel like he’s getting at me like with small things recently … like he puts a program on and if I dare text or look at my phone during it he says (detail removed by moderator) kicks off that I’m not not watching . If I hug kids or spend time with them he says (detail removed by moderator) etc and it gets all sulky then turns it to he says he doesn’t get sex … it sounds so cliche but because he’s “ joking”but it’s laced.
If I text anyone in front of him I hear groans and sighs and he then jokingly knocks my phone out of hands. If I check weather on the tv he says (detail removed by moderator) etc.
He says things like (detail removed by moderator) when I say excuse me in kitchen .
When I do snap or give my point of view he either gets all defensive or he launches into a stupid stream of insults or he will try and roughly hug and be crude sexually with me by grabbing pulling trousers down as joke or pretend sex with me which just makes me feel embarrassed and I have no words !
He’s been drinking more since Covid and had more time due to nature of work and it’s all just a bit much perhaps fi both of us , maybe I’m being too harsh on him in my mind.
I’m sorry to type so long it’s just I don’t quite know where or what to say to do but I just worry
Thank you if you’ve got this far again I don’t know why I’m typing but I don’t really have many to talk to I’ve exhausted my friends on this subject as they don’t understand
6th January 2021 at 12:15 am #119203HawthornParticipant
Welcome to the forum, I really like your name😀
I’m so sorry you have been subjected to this abuse, and he is abusing you. His behaviour is not acceptable and you are not being harsh. So much of your story could be mine; the physical violence, controlling the tv and wanting to know who I was texting, the “jokes” that mocked my weight, the nagging about the lack of sex, his dislike of me doing anything that took my attention from him for any length of time, how he would bait and goad me into an argument then twist it around so that I was supposedly the one with the anger problem or just to give him an excuse to verbally abuse me.
I could go on, as I’m sure you could. It’s normal to feel confused, the psychological element of the abuse creates that confusion in our minds. It all seems so clear to me now looking back, but when I was in it…well you minimise and deny the abuse is happening so you can get through the day.
I was so ill by the time I left, severely underweight, insomniac, depressed, anxious, IBS symptoms, my hair coming out in handfuls. The abuse makes us sick. I’m out for months and all my symptoms have gone. Poof! I look and feel 10 years younger.
Please reach out to womens aid for support, and keep posting here. Google the cycle of abuse, cognitive dissonance and the power and control wheel. Knowledge is power.
You are not alone xx
6th January 2021 at 4:46 am #119205KIP.Participant
Hi and welcome. Sadly it’s domestic abuse and it always gets worse. You are not responsible for his actions and he chooses to abuse you. Abusers isolate us, make jokes out of their controlling behaviour, gaslight us. Age has nothing to do with his abusive controlling behaviour or whether he helps with household chores or not. Abusers pile on responsibility to us leaving us spinning and exhausted with no time to think what they’re doing is abusive. They gaslight us. Abuse often shows through anxiety and depression. I suffered for decades but only after I married him. I didn’t understand what abuse was. I kept thinking it was something I was doing wrong that made my ex act that way. I spent decades trying to fix a problem that was never mine to fix. He too would blame his anger on not enough sex. It’s another way to manipulate us. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. And tell him nothing about this site or that you think he’s an abuser because he will simply twist everything you say. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline. It’s 24/7.
6th January 2021 at 12:13 pm #119225lovelifefreelyParticipant
I can totally relate to your situation, my situation is similar, i am currently full of confusion trying to seperate what is personality clashes versus abuse, and whether it can be different, because the idea of leaving behind the vision i had for the future is uncomfortable.
i find it helpful to post on here just to get it out, and phoning the helpine can be helpful too x
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