Personality / normal relationship issues?

[Smallasmustardseed]

Hello all, thanks if you read this

I feel I’m going entirely out of my mind .. I’ve sought help for depression ,anxiety ,pain , panic attacks so for background as I know my husband says that this is why I am over sensitive etc and it is my issue .. I want to give that picture first because then you know all of my history (minus details) etc.

My husband is older than me by quite some
Years .
Of a a generation so I thought ( as he said most like him are ) that I assumed many must be like him – the typical not ever doing any child care as he calls it or how he says he sees men’s role being one thing and mine completely subject to it.
when we first met pre children we used to have massive huge heated arguments many times with drink involved and we have “split up” on many many occasions or I’ve tried to ….where I really thought surely he may be feeling so sorry for things as I did etc ( after him pushing me down and me accidentally me hurting myself, or him throwing something but not at me and there’s only then been the few occasions of him grabbing my wrists or my neck and jaw in desperation (detail removed by moderator) but then after each time he would say things like how HE “ understands and forgives “ or how I just make him so angry “ but then other times he would do things like just completely ignoring me after so it was me that chased him .
I used to be so beside myself and I can’t remember now in hindsight why I was so desperate to get him to forgive me when I’ve tried to think what I did wrong .

Years on and my beautiful children later there is too much to write about but I know I’m partly responsible I just don’t quite know what’s deemed normal now and am scared that I don’t trust myself mentally because I’m certain I’d never treat anyone like this and I don’t know what I’m trying to say … but I don’t know if it’s the personality of him that is getting to me and it’s more me just having issue with him as so many things I have massive issue with but when I write them down they seem so small … but I feel like he’s getting at me like with small things recently … like he puts a program on and if I dare text or look at my phone during it he says (detail removed by moderator) kicks off that I’m not not watching . If I hug kids or spend time with them he says (detail removed by moderator) etc and it gets all sulky then turns it to he says he doesn’t get sex … it sounds so cliche but because he’s “ joking”but it’s laced.

If I text anyone in front of him I hear groans and sighs and he then jokingly knocks my phone out of hands. If I check weather on the tv he says (detail removed by moderator) etc.
He says things like (detail removed by moderator) when I say excuse me in kitchen .
When I do snap or give my point of view he either gets all defensive or he launches into a stupid stream of insults or he will try and roughly hug and be crude sexually with me by grabbing pulling trousers down as joke or pretend sex with me which just makes me feel embarrassed and I have no words !

He’s been drinking more since Covid and had more time due to nature of work and it’s all just a bit much perhaps fi both of us , maybe I’m being too harsh on him in my mind.

I’m sorry to type so long it’s just I don’t quite know where or what to say to do but I just worry

Thank you if you’ve got this far again I don’t know why I’m typing but I don’t really have many to talk to I’ve exhausted my friends on this subject as they don’t understand

[Hawthorn]

Hi @Smallasmustardseed,

Welcome to the forum, I really like your name😀
I’m so sorry you have been subjected to this abuse, and he is abusing you. His behaviour is not acceptable and you are not being harsh. So much of your story could be mine; the physical violence, controlling the tv and wanting to know who I was texting, the “jokes” that mocked my weight, the nagging about the lack of sex, his dislike of me doing anything that took my attention from him for any length of time, how he would bait and goad me into an argument then twist it around so that I was supposedly the one with the anger problem or just to give him an excuse to verbally abuse me.

I could go on, as I’m sure you could. It’s normal to feel confused, the psychological element of the abuse creates that confusion in our minds. It all seems so clear to me now looking back, but when I was in it…well you minimise and deny the abuse is happening so you can get through the day.

I was so ill by the time I left, severely underweight, insomniac, depressed, anxious, IBS symptoms, my hair coming out in handfuls. The abuse makes us sick. I’m out for months and all my symptoms have gone. Poof! I look and feel 10 years younger.

Please reach out to womens aid for support, and keep posting here. Google the cycle of abuse, cognitive dissonance and the power and control wheel. Knowledge is power.

You are not alone xx

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. Sadly it’s domestic abuse and it always gets worse. You are not responsible for his actions and he chooses to abuse you. Abusers isolate us, make jokes out of their controlling behaviour, gaslight us. Age has nothing to do with his abusive controlling behaviour or whether he helps with household chores or not. Abusers pile on responsibility to us leaving us spinning and exhausted with no time to think what they’re doing is abusive. They gaslight us. Abuse often shows through anxiety and depression. I suffered for decades but only after I married him. I didn’t understand what abuse was. I kept thinking it was something I was doing wrong that made my ex act that way. I spent decades trying to fix a problem that was never mine to fix. He too would blame his anger on not enough sex. It’s another way to manipulate us. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. And tell him nothing about this site or that you think he’s an abuser because he will simply twist everything you say. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline. It’s 24/7.

[lovelifefreely]

I can totally relate to your situation, my situation is similar, i am currently full of confusion trying to seperate what is personality clashes versus abuse, and whether it can be different, because the idea of leaving behind the vision i had for the future is uncomfortable.

i find it helpful to post on here just to get it out, and phoning the helpine can be helpful too x

[Smallasmustardseed]

Thank you so much for your replies I am so sorry i have not responded until now, I don’t now know how this works if I should write a new subject etc but I wanted to respond, as you’ve kindly taken the time to do so for me. I wrote this then all I could see after was all the great things he does for me the practical things how I wouldnt cope without him as I don’t have much common sense etc and how he really does try with me’, I just couldn’t get past this massive massive blow of guilt that hit me when I re read my post as when hitting submit I literally felt arghh and how I think I’ve blown it up and if you read black and white it will always look bad perhaps . So I couldn’t face it but each week, or most days I go full circle and end up desperately wondering what’s going on, we haven’t fought fought because in honesty I think I’m not saying things too much back but two occasions since last writing he’s had me in an arm lock on floor jokily kicking me or trying to have sex, etc etc and whilst it’s all done as a bit of a joke I’m not comfortable with it but then maybe I never will be with anything : I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself so I apologise but I also massively thank you for advice, but of eye opener with cycle of abuse but again I then started to think I behave like that as in I think I make it a cycle cus I’m patient till breaking point then I try harder.

[Hawthorn]

It’s so normal to feel confused. Its because of the emotional and psychological abuse he is subjecting you to. Abusers keep us trapped in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It’s rarely “all bad”, there’s often lots of “nice” parts in an abusive relationship, that’s another trap. If they were awful all the time we would leave before we were in too deep. In a healthy relationship you dont feel confused all time and dont feel you cant express yourself or speak your mind because you fear reprisal.

Abusers often disguise their abuse as “jokes” we are too sensitive to get. He is physically abusing you too, showing you how much stronger than you he is-how he could hurt you if he wanted to. Its calculated behaviour to intimidate you and make you afraid of him. There’s nothing funny about an arm lock or kicking someone.

It looks bad written down in black and white because it is bad. It’s domestic abuse and you do not deserve it. We survive in abuse by minimizing it and pretending it’s not happening-our abusers condition us into this behaviour too by becoming abusive if we dare to question their abuse. So we bury it, dont talk about it and go on as “normal”.

Could you maybe keep a private journal so you can have a log of the incidents? It will help you to notice the pattern. The cycle of abuse. Google cognitive dissonance and keep posting here. Do not speak to him about what’s happening. Be very careful and take care x*x

[Camel]

Hi Smallmustardseed (great name!)

Forgive the late reply to your posts. But I’m taking a guess that you’re still as conflicted now as you were then…

I just wanted to say that if you feel that something isn’t right with your relationship, well then, your relationship isn’t right.

We all spend so much time minimising, excusing and explaining our partner’s behaviour. They do what they do because…We should accept it because…

Meanwhile they criticise what we do.

Muatardseed, you say you couldn’t cope without him, you have no common sense. You say he does so much for you yet he does so little. He uses his body to intimidate and physically control you. He doesn’t care that you feel bullied or embarrassed. He expects you to comply to his set of arbitrary rules – pay attention to his choice of TV program, don’t use your phone in his presence, don’t argue. don’t pay your children too much attention. You suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks. Your husband says you’re just over-sensitive.

I understand totally when you say you don’t understand why you were so desperate to reconcile after you argued – even though he blamed you for everything; even though you knew instinctively this wasn’t right. This is how abuse works. I’m also at a loss to explain how it works. It just does. Somewhere very early on we stop being strong and capable women and instead become dependent, weak, above all desperate for this relationship to work out. I used to look at my partner and honestly wonder what I ever found attractive. I was way out of his league but somehow he made me feel grateful. Needy.

Mustard, it’s never easy to accept that your relationship just isn’t a good one. I hope you’re still reading posts, even if you’re not writing. Many of us have been exactly where you are. No one will judge you, you can say anything here.

[Smallasmustardseed]

Hello there, I haven’t checked on here for a few weeks until today because I was desperate to share or ask something, I wasn’t sure if to start a new topic and then I see your reply today its very timely. I’m so sad and I don’t quite know how to word anything right now but my question would have been is it just a man thing or just another sign that whenever there’s an occasion like birthday Christmas valentines or mothers day like today.. That everything literally seems like one insult after another. A ruined day etc.. I’m so tired of this I just can’t do anything. I broke down and cried in response to him today saying about him and all the things of just today and yesterday and him leaving pictures of his ex lying around etc but I’m in the wrong and I darent say any more after he shuts it all down with what he does.. It feels like he hates me and I said that to him and he says how he will go but he’s said that before and now I want him to but I’m guessing he won’t

[Smallasmustardseed]

And I’m sorry I’ll just add one more thing I really do know that it just doesnt seem right so even if not abuse by definition I want to just be away from him because I can’t go on like this but I can’t get away from him, it doesn’t seem as simPle as just going. I’m not sure how to end it because I’m worried of his response if he thinks I am serious (obviously I’ve tried leaving before but he actually said nice things promised etc). I don’t want to see his nice side again full of promises because he doesn’t mean them but I feel so guilty if I don’t honour him or believe him, as Im meant to be with him through it all. He may turn it around?

[Hawthorn]

Oh mustard seed I’m so sorry you’ve had such horrible day, you didnt deserve to.

It is classic abuser behaviour to ruin special occasions. Anything we might be looking forward to is inevitably ruined. They cannot bear for us to be happy, they can only feel happy and secure when we are miserable and insecure. I cant count all the things I looked forward to that my abuser ruined; nights out, friends weddings, holidays, christmases, new year year celebrations…it goes on and on.

You are absolutely correct that speaking to him about the abuse will only result in him turning it around on you. Abusers blame us for everything. He is not capable of taking responsibility for his actions. You might just be beginning to see what been happening to you, but he knows very well what he is doing is wrong. That’s why its behind closed doors. Abusers can control themselves in public, their image is very important to them. But he will not admit fault.

Please reach out to womens aid for support. All of us here know it’s not simple to leave an abusive relationship. It’s not like a normal relationship that has run its course, our self esteem has taken such a battering and we have been made to feel so low and so dependent that we feel trapped. There IS a way out, I found mine and it is the most difficult but the absolute best thing I ever done in my life. You will find your way out too, but you need to reach out for support. You deserve it and there are lots of organisations and people who will help you.

Keep reaching out here too. Sending strength and a big hug xx

[Smallasmustardseed]

Thanks so much Hawthorn for your reply, I worry what to say really especially if over phone or in person but I do keep thinking of ringing again etc.. I will try xx

[Hawthorn]

I first reached out using the text service, I think I emailed as it was busy and they got back to me with a time when a support worker was available on the webchat. So you could maybe try that? It is hard to get the words out at first, it makes it all feel real, and when we are used to pretending the abuse is not happening that is very painful and difficult. But dont worry about phoning up and being upset, I’ve been there and the lovely ladies there are very used to it.xx

[Author]

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