Perspective

[Tiffany]

I went back (pre-arranged and while he was out) to pick up the last of my stuff as he is finally going to move out. He’d packed my stuff up and left a note along with some fruit from our garden which he had picked for me. I loved that garden and he knew it. He tried to guilt trip me over it many times. But still the kind gesture and the house, which was our first real home made me miss him. That along with breaking no contact to arrange for the uplift of my stuff and to confirm that everything is sorted for his move – the house is rented in my name and the deposit is mine is making me feel so conflicted tonight. He was so reasonable, so kind.

I also remember the abuse and I want just to be able to say he is an abuser and everything else was fake. But I can’t believe that completely. He was a very troubled man. He had an exceptionally difficult childhood. This is fact not excuse. He experienced continual danger and persecution outside his home and abuse within it. I honestly don’t know if he knew how to act better. I seriously doubt he knows he was abusive. But I don’t know if that is because abusive relationships were all he knew or because he chose to be that way.

I have a colleague with an abusive father (and a different kind of difficult youth, not as bad, but bad). He tells me that you have to make a choice when you come from that background. And that my ex chose to be as he is. But I still want to talk to my ex, to see if I can make him understand why his behaviour was unacceptable so he doesn’t treat another woman the same way. It’s a stupid idea, isn’t it? But still appealing.

When will I be able to see things in perspective? Is there a way to remember and forgive? How do I get there?

[Tiffany]

Apologies for the self pitying rambling, but it’s been a weird day.

[lilaclady]

I feel the same Tiffany. I am finding it hard to see things in perspective too. One minute I am convinced I have done the right thing leaving my partner and then the next I feel like he does have good points and did I throw it all away. I feel so conflicted. BUT in my heart of hearts I know this relationship wasn’t right and it would never be right. I think the only thing we can do is take the time, and in time we will be able to see things in perspective. Hope you’re ok xx

[KIP.]

Try to write down all the terrible things he did to you and how they made you feel. Remember the feeling of him stomping on your heart. Imagine he did these things to your mother, sister or best friend. How would you feel and what advice would you give them. These men have a choice and choose to abuse. Nothing we can say or do will change that. They can play the game of the cycle of abuse, the dr jeckyll and mr hyde game but the nice person he can be is not real. Its a game they play to draw us back in. Nothing changes. Just lots of wasted time trying. Hang in there. I can promise you that i now have a totally different perspective. Ive educated myself on domestic abuse and the games the perpetrators play. My ex was crying, begging me to stay, all the while seeing another woman behind my back. They have zero moral compass, zero empathy and just do not play by the rules of humanity. My perspective is now that I had a very lucky escape. Onwards and upwards x

[lover of no contact]

Hi Tiffany,

I had an exceptionally difficult childhood with a lot of abuse on a daily basis. I chose not to abuse. My brother from the same home chose to abuse. A lot of the ladies on here had exceptionally difficult, abusive childhoods but chose not to abuse. There is never any excuse for abuse.

The ‘leaving the fruit’ is a tactic that he knows will pull at your heartstrings. My ex (when we were going through legal separation (that he initiated!) would leave beautiful bunches of flowers on the kitchen table, no note, but made me doubt my decision to end the abusive relationship and also the flowers left on the kitchen table looked as if he was being the ‘nice one’ to our children and mom was being the mean one.

[Tiffany]

Thanks guys. I know I must never go back to him. The patterns of abusive behaviour we have are too ingrained on both sides. But I truly believe that he could be a better man. I don’t think he is evil.

I can believe it of his father, who was a classic abuser. Totally two faced, tormented his toddler grandson for kicks and then sulked when the kid didn’t want to play with him. Wouldn’t ever talk to me and then introduced me proudly to his friends as his new daughter in law.

My ex wasn’t like that. He was immature. He was angry. He was hurt. He wanted other people to take on his emotions so he didn’t have to deal with them. He undermined me to make himself feel better. But he also lashed out at everyone else – his family, his work colleagues, my friends, anyone that he was close to. He couldn’t form close friendships anymore and he was suffering from severe mental health problems.

I can understand why he acted like he did. I’ve had my own mental health issues and there have been days when I have screamed at the world because they don’t understand how hard my life is. It’s immature and unhelpful. But honestly most of us have done it. I think that he just had the tools to do it in a more hurtful way. Je learned in his childhood how to pick up on peoples vulnerabilities and exploit them, so when he was scared and hurt, which was basically all the time (his past is, like I said, genuinely horrific) he became abusive.

I should walk away, because I have spent years trying to get him help but I worry about him and even more so his future partners. The only reason I could leave was because I realised that he was projecting his emotions on to me and that was preventing him dealing with them. After I got out I realised how damaging he had been to me. But I still hope he can get better.

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