20th March 2016 at 9:22 am #11890
I’ve been quiet for a few weeks. Been to see WA and getting support to make me stronger to leave. Have another appointment in a few weeks and have been reading everything I can to give me the knowledge on what they said it was which is emotional abuse and coercive control.
We’ve argued a bit this week over sex, I said I was too tired, he said I’m not having any of this just at the weekend malarchy, he makes me feel so bad, I’ve read it in the dominator book sexual controller, I tried to talk to him about it but it just ends in a row, (detail removed by moderator) ? He’ll say your the only girl I’ve ever had to beg for sex from, everyone else has wanted to have sex with me, so he makes me feel abnormal, he’ll say why don’t you like it! He thinks sex a few times a week is ok, yeah it is if both want it. (Date removed by moderator) he woke me up before 8 in the morning for sex, I was so tired. What do you all think ? Is that part of abuse too ?
20th March 2016 at 9:43 am #11891
Hi there, you could be describing my ex. Don’t call it pester sex. If you do not freely consent to sexual intercourse, it’s rape. In the early days of my relationship if I said no, it wasn’t a problem. As the abuse creeps in, it becomes control. You have it and he wants it. I begged my ex not to wake me early as I needed my sleep (probably because I was being abused in other ways). He just ignored it. He would keep me awake all night with lectures on our libido. Eventually he would just force himself. These episodes left me feeling worthless, violated and depressed. A loving, caring partner puts your needs first. It’s definitely abuse. Typical abuser making you feel guilty. Mine used to get angry because I never initiated sex. Who would want to have sex with their rapist. What makes it more confusing is that when we had consensual sex, it was really good. It’s all part of a dysfunctional abusive relationship. Ask yourself, are you happy? Abusers suck the happiness and life out of us. I’m free now. I’m lying in bed at 0940. I used to hear him stirring early in the morning (by this time we were in separate rooms) and I would jump out of bed on the pretence of starting breakfast. He made my skin crawl. I would sleep with pyjamas on. I now sleep naked and love it. It’s still sexual assault, even though it’s your husband. You do not need to live like that❤️
11th April 2016 at 8:16 am #13444WhathaveidoneParticipant
KIP, you describe my exact experience with exception of pyjama wearing. I’m not allowed to wear pyjamas on in bed with him because he “doesnt like the feel of the material” – lie. He’s alright with me wearing clothes to bed when I’m on my period but all other times I’ll be harrassed if I do. I feel so trapped.
11th April 2016 at 9:58 am #13456
Same here he would put his hand down below while I slept this went on yrs I knew no different. Or if I said no he said (removed by moderator) u then. Or once he said u just lay there u don’t have to do owt x
20th March 2016 at 9:44 am #11892
Sleep deprivation was a big part of my abuse. It kept me weak and made it easier to control me as I didn’t have the energy to fight back.
20th March 2016 at 9:58 am #11894
Hi there What To Do – yes this sound familiar to me!!!!
I put up with this for the teens of years – and it only gets worse and worse…..
Mine would regularly keep me up ALL NIGHT to 3,4,5 even 6am until I’d be so tired and I could no longer fight him off – this would happen 2,3, even 4 nights in a row until I’d just ‘let’ him have what he wanted.
I’d regularly waken up with his his hands (or worse) between my legs and he just wouldn’t stop ’til he got want he wanted, groping and molesting me for hours on end.
And each day I didn’t give in, and didn’t give him what he wanted his mood would get worse and worse – he’d be so nasty to me and the kids – the atmosphere in the house was terrible – we couldn’t carry on living like this – but we did …..for the teens of years…..
And yes him making you feel guilty for not performing your ‘wifely duties’ is all part of it too – putting pressure on you to give him what he wants …..but that’s the thing ….if its what HE WANTS but not what YOU WANT – then he has no right to force you, or pressurise you in any way.
Yes he turns it around – all part of making you feel guilty – he “will always want to make love to you” is him saying he’s loves you and wants to make love to you – and by you not giving it to him, then that means (trying to make you feel guilty by saying) you don’t love him.
If you chose to do it with him it has to be your own choice and doing it of your own free will – or else it IS sexual abuse.
Making love is what two people who love each other do – when both parties consent and it’s not forced – but what he wants is just having sex – there is a BIG difference!!!
Making love is something to be enjoyed – but if hes forcing sex on you, by any means, then that’s not making love – that’s abuse.
You have the right to say NO at any time, and he should, and MUST STOP and if not it’s sexual abuse and/or rape.
Here for you,
11th April 2016 at 10:05 am #13457
Hi mixed up mum. Exactly like the monster I were with. Hands below wow this forum and the freedom programme has saved my life the knowledge I’ve gained. Thanks to all of you on here for your fantastic support so dam grateful x
20th March 2016 at 10:00 am #11895
But if he manages to get me to say yes it’s nice so he’ll say why don’t you like it! He’ll say I wish you would be more adventurous and initiate it, how would you feel if I turned you down most of the time.
He’ll make me feel guilty for being tired, or say comments like if my **** was your iPad I’d be very happy!
I hate sex right now, think he’s made me hate it, can’t imagine ever wanting be with a man again after this.
He said (detail removed by moderator) the good should outweigh the bad and I don’t abuse you that often, I said you should never abuse me!
My daughter lives abroad and I want to go visit but he said were a family why do you want go alone, then he’ll make me feel guilty, so your going go abroad and leave me here. He says he doesn’t want be in a relationship where I go off abroad alone. Going out is another nightmare, I e started a new job and making new friends, I’ve turned down 4 opportunities to go out since I started, he’ll say why do you want go out alone with male and female colleagues, so I don’t go.
I was poorly other day and asked him get me some tissue he wouldn’t, nor did he offer get my daughter so I had go out feeling unwell.
20th March 2016 at 10:28 am #11897
Yes they will try every tactic possible to try and get what THEY want.
From ‘showing they love you’, to making you feel bad for saying no, making you feel bad for never iniciating sex, to keeping you up all night – he will use any means necessary to get what he wants….
And then as time goes on it becomes more and more of an issue – it ruins everything you ever had – til not a trace of love remains between the two of you only bitterness and resentment.
It becomes such a problem that it consumes any feelings you ever had for him and it kills your relationship stone dead.
You get to the stage where you cannot stand him touching you in any way, and you can’t stand to be near him, talk to him or even look at him…….
And all of this is HIS doing – don’t let him blame you in ANY WAY – none of this is your fault.
Yes he will make you feel guilty for doing ANYTHING else BUT spend time on him – mine didn’t like me going on laptop – he didn’t like me texting (in the end I had to do it in secret, or when he was out of the house) he didnt like me talking on the phone to friends or family ( again it had to be done while he was out at work) he didn’t like me seeing family or friends and going out for a lunch (so again I had to do that in secret)
He will ( and is) controlling every aspect of your life – I know it all so well …..oh bad, bad memories…….
20th March 2016 at 10:38 am #11898
Must go now – but big cuddles to you.
Keep on posting and we’ll keep on replying – we’re here for you.
P.S. sorry I have to go out for a bit now – but will chat with you later.
20th March 2016 at 10:51 am #11901AyannaParticipant
That is definitely abuse. I lived this extremely controlled hell of abuse for several years. I am not going further into it, it is too painful.
20th March 2016 at 11:12 am #11905
Hi again, you are making the mistake of engaging with him. He will never ever see your point of view and you are wasting your time and energy trying to get him to understand. He never will. He’s not interested in your opinion or how you feel. Don’t waste any more time looking for an explanation or closure because you will never get any. Leaving an abuser is like him walking out one day and being killed. There never will be any closure. I wasted so much Time trying to explain my feelings and how I was hurt. When I told him I didn’t love him anymore. He asked if we could still have sex. No empathy. No feelings for us. He’s a head worker. Have you read Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven. You must read it. It saved my life x
20th March 2016 at 11:57 am #11914
Hi kip that’s exactly right what you said about not engaging with our abusers no u don’t get closure your just constantly on a merry go round with them. X
20th March 2016 at 11:40 am #11910
Hi there I’ve had the same I had it under 2 decades in the night putting his hands in between my legs while I were asleep tbis wernt EVERY night. I’m seperated now but on Thursday I were so low over my family I contacted him sadly I’d had one or 2 drinks we had gone to bed to sleep I had got woke up by the same behaviour I started crying he said what the duck have I done now!!!!! I wanted comfortable he took advantage I kicked him out. He said I’m sick of f.ing trying with u!!!!!! X
20th March 2016 at 12:04 pm #11915
Hi betterdays. Don’t be hard on yourself. We all crave the loving feeling we once had with these abusers and it takes time to get to a place where you can manage that thought. It’s his reaction where the truth lies. He’s not interested in your feelings. I used to get sympathy when I cried. Towards the end if I cried his wrath was awful. During the final assault I actually laughed. I couldn’t help it. It’s all so sick and twisted and the best answer I have found is total no contact. Just keep trying. Shame on him. Loser👿
20th March 2016 at 12:06 pm #11916
Pester and sex. The two words should never go together. That speaks volumes😡
20th March 2016 at 4:36 pm #11944
It’s hard not to engage with him as I’m living with him, I know he’ll never change and that’s why I’m getting support to make me stronger so when I do ask him to leave I never end up back with bim, I have broke up and ended back in this situation so many times over the past (detail removed by moderator) years and I’ve had enough, I want my life back, I want to be able meet friends for a coffee or glass of wine and go see my daughter abroad if I want to not have him tag along to watch me, he’ll say what is it you want talk about that I can’t here? Talking s**t about me again!
He’ll say why do you want start going out now? Your friends never contact you only if they want something, they don’t contact me and ask coz they know the answer will be no!
I’m getting there and yes u have got the dominator book and I’ve bought why does he do that too!
21st March 2016 at 1:23 pm #12004
Hi there What To Do – how are you today?
Sorry never go back to you yesterday, was feeling miserable – cold and aching all over – went to my bed and slept a while.
Do you think he will move out?
Mine wouldn’t – as bad as things were between us – he wouldn’t do the decent thing and let me and the kids stay on in the family home.
So in the end we had to leave him – he got his way – his final act of control over us – he got to hold on to what mattered to him the most – the house – and hes sat with it still – he’s welcome to it – I don’t want it any more – its only a house, and to be honest I think it helped us all move on, getting away from there with so many bad memories…..a fresh start…..
You are quite right to want your life back, normal everyday things most women would take for granted are denied us who live with a controlling abuser.
Eg to be able to freely meet friends for a coffee or a glass of wine – it took me a while to adjust to not having to deny myself that – and to finally realise I WAS free to do whatever I wanted, I actually still felt guilty doing that for some time after I left him.
They get in to your brain and you are programmed to know you MUST do what they want – and it takes some time to ‘rewire’ the brain to know you CAN DO those things again, and you ARE free to make your own choices once more…….
Good luck – keep in touch – let us know how you are doing.
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