Petrified of being found out

[Blackfish]

I’ve had a good 18 months. I say good, but still with the usual filters and rules to abide by.

I cannot leave. I can’t talk to anyone about it.

Our mortgage term is up later this year and OH is speaking to banks to get a new deal.

Over the last few years I’ve had to hide by debt out of fear. It’s spiralled hugely with the interest hikes to unmanageable levels. I’ve rolled everything into Step change but I’m still getting surprised month in month out.

The debt was only ever for house things or to buy presents for family and friends birthdays because I wouldn’t be allowed otherwise. It also meant I could afford petrol to get to see family as I’m isolated.

I am petrified the brokers or banks are going to tell him. I wish there was a way they could just say no we can’t help and not give a reason but they’re going to tell him it’s defaults on my account and hell is going to break loose.

I am so upset and stressed with the debt let alone the threat of him finding out and the fear of that. I’m hyper vigilant just waiting for the bomb to explode and I can’t take it. I feel like an absolute failure and waste of space and can’t see any way to deal with this that doesn’t leave me feeling like a worthless awful human, I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

[Emotionallydone]

Hi. Sending you a big hug. I know all to well how you feel, I’m in the exact same situation and it’s awful, the anxiety it causes is so extreme and the thought of him finding out. I don’t have the answers, sorry. Is the mortgage in both your names? If it’s just his then it won’t matter I don’t think. If it’s in both your names, you can try and convince him to stay with the same provider as I believe there is no credit check to renew the fixed term? I don’t know though. I hope your ok. I thought about telling my husband just to relieve myself of the anxiety and stress, I’ve since decided I’m going to leave him anyway as the abuse is too much and getting worse so I’m taking my secret debt with me and it’s one less thing he has to throw in my face.

[StrongLife]

Hi there

I am in financial situation myself and have been for a while. I know others are with high mortgages and rents with cost of living crisis upon us with no end in site.

It is difficult and add on domestic violence situation it would be extremely stressful.

I am suggesting you reach out in person to counsellor with confidentiality. They can help out in your local area.

[Blackfish]

Thank you for your kind replies.

I did tell him. The reaction was worse than I expected.

I’ve had to call Samaritans twice in three days but I’m feeling stronger each day that passes knowing I got through the one before.

I think it’s come to an end, no repair in sight and that’s probably the best thing. I’m just sad it took this much pain and hurt to get to this point. I should have picked up sooner without giving him more ammo, as you are smartly doing @emotionallydone !

I guess a part of me hoped he would turn round and understand and show some love and support, but that was silly.

I’m now at manic googling stage trying to figure out where and how I can go anywhere and how I will move all of my stuff without any money. I’m hundreds of miles from my family and friends most of whom don’t even drive and there’s not even a bus to the nearest train station.

Really starting to become clear just how isolated and dependent I have been made!

[Emotionallydone]

Aw Blackfish. How awful for you. Firstly, well done for telling him, not because he deserves the respect to be told this, but because I know how difficult that would have been for you and the fact you did that, shows the strength you have without even realising. I’m sorry to hear what his response was, I too hope that if I did ever tell my husband he would comfort me and support me but he absolutely wouldn’t. I’m still here, trying to figure out how to leave.

Use that same strength you mustered up to tell him about the debt to finally leave. Don’t worry about your stuff just yet. You can deal with that later. Can you get your hands on any money? Get a taxi to the train station and get on a train to your family or friends? It would be a temporary solution and then you will have breathing space to figure out where to go from there? Sending hugs

[Happybelle]

These people are despicable. I’m no help here really but just a wave hello of solidarity. How is it that these things have happened to all of us.
There’s no manual on how to navigate a relationship and I’m seriously having to use every scrap of management training in conflict management thst I’ve ever had and I’m still failing at it.
Really wishing you well for your next brave steps.

[Author]

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