Photos

[iwillbeok]

Just came across photo frame of us on engagement and wedding day – felt like I’d been thumped in the chest and burst into tears.

I’ve been doing really, really well. So strong. I don’t know what to do with photos -I don’t want them, am sure as hell not going to give them to him so why can’t I throw them away? Its like there’s still a tiny part of me that says “what if?”; “what if he changes, we get back together and I’ve thrown all our pics out?”…

But I know, in my heart and my mind is strong that this will never be the case! Ever.

Part of me wants to burn them but that seems too dramatic. Part of me wants to chop them up – seems too violent. Perhaps they should just, without drama and fanfare, go in the household rubbish…?

We were married for a very long time and were, in the early days (I thought) very happy… but I look back now and there were red flags from the beginning… I was so young, naive and flattered by his attention…

I so didn’t see this coming. The lobster in the cold water being brought to the boil analogy so fits my situation. And I know that the only reasin he thought (and did!) get away with the crazy escalation at the end was because he figured I was in his control.

Still undecided about pics… your thoughts?

[Hopesprings]

Maybe put them away somewhere until you feel ready to make a decision? I’ve kept some photos and destroyed others. nothing needs to be decided all at once.

[Serenity]

Hi I Will Be Ok,

I didn’t even have my marriage photos on display when I was married, save for a tiny one.

Maybe on a subconscious level I was aware from the beginning that it was a sham.

I have thrown away many letters and photos, but kept my marriagevobes. However, I have put them well away, out of sight. I may chuck them sooner or later. As you say, the act seems violent. Maybe you and I will reach a stage where it seems fine to do this.

Xx

[Serenity]

Hi I Will Be Ok,

I didn’t even have my marriage photos on display when I was married, save for a tiny one.

Maybe on a subconscious level I was aware from the beginning that it was a sham.

I have thrown away many letters and photos, but kept my wedding photos. However, I have put them well away, out of sight. I may chuck them sooner or later. As you say, the act seems violent. Maybe you and I will reach a stage where it seems fine to do this.

Xx

[iwillbeok]

Thankyou both,

We only had the one wedding photo on display. It is now wrapped up and shoved in the back of the storage cupboard.

Perhaps I need to do more grieving for the relationship (or what I thought it was!) and forgive myself for being that naive girl for so long. I am stronger than I give myself credit for I think. I have given birth for goodness sake! Moved countries and houses numerous times (part of the isolation tactics I now realise) and called the police when he went just too far. My support people keep saying how brave that was – I guess I downplay it because I was actually terrified at the time.

But now I’m free and safe. And getting more and more resilient. I smile – like truly smile. I feel confident. I walk taller and friends & colleagues have noticed the difference!

I think half my problem is I want to run before I can walk. But in the end I will fly!!

Xx

[Anonymous]

It’s been well over a year since I left him.i got rid of a lot of photos..ive kept a few of them from when we first met. I just cant bring myself to destroy them yet I was so so happy … we had a such fun day .. but i know inside it was all fake to entrap me ..

I hoping in time i can get rid of them too

[Tiffany]

Just an alternate idea. Can you salvage any memories from the photos? I didn’t get as far as marriage. Broke off the engagement. But we had had a multicultural engagement ceremony. In retrospect it was hugely manipulative. He planned it, booked venues etc, before he asked me to marry him. I wasn’t allowed to chose my outfit, which was bought by his family and they even redid my hair, which I could have done much better myself. At the time I put it down to cultural differences. In hindsight it was clearly abuse. All the photos are digital, and I was tempted to delete them all, but instead I am keeping them as reminders. And weirdly not even of the bad stuff. My family came from all over the country for this event. They resurrected an ancient local tradition so that I had a part of the ceremony which represented me (something my abuser had weirdly not taken into consideration). And his family were kind to mine. It was a wonderful meeting of cultures. I’m keeping the photos to remember that.Can you get rid of the most difficult photos (I’m not keeping any couple photos) but keep the rest in an album somewhere to remind you of the good bits of the day? If they make you feel bad then go ahead and burn them though. Burning stuff is cathartic. Or put them through a shredder. Also highly satisfying.

[iwillbeok]

Your reply makes a lot of sense, trying to remember the good sides of the event rather than focusing on the bad… there is a lovely photo of my Dad with my bridesmaids – I will definitely keep that one. And ones of different family members being reunited. It was a lovely day. I guess that what makes it so difficult – its like there were 2 parts to my marriage. I was married it seems to two different men. Although I see the red flags now in hindsight, we were happy for quite a long time. However, as one support person put it, he didn’t just snap and start abusing you over one argument – this must have been going on under the surface for a long time to put up with it for as long as you did.

Perhaps once we are divorced and in my processing of that, I will be able to get rid of all this physical baggage also…

X

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