Physical and verbal aggression

[justfedup]

Argh. I need to vent. I just feel numb atm. I have my problems with my partner ans his parenting at the best of times. He is awful to me reguarly telling me im embarrassing, putting me down infront of people, calling me lazy and saying i do nothing, i bring nothing to the relationship, i dont make him happy at all etc. He always teminds me how he is the brrad winner and makes me feel worthless. He completely controls ans dictates the atmosphere in the house every day. Im just so fed up with it. Tired of answering to him. When he has his moments hits always my fault! And then theres him and my (removed by moderator) year old. They argue all of the time. For (removed by moderator) years I have been a mediator day and night ans its tiring. Then im in the firing line for it again. He goes too far. Last night my son wouldnt play ball and get his pjs on and somehow it escaled to him riving at my little boy to get his clothes off and pjs on.. he was being far to hea y handed and upsetting my son! Quickly it became an issue when he lashed out and pushed him back doubled over on the sofa and screamed aggressivly in his face! I know he wasnt hurt at all but he was very afraid. I jumped in between to protect my son as i always do but he was hysterical. I appreciate that conpared to what some people go through this may seem trivial but i am just so alone and worried and fed up of it all and im scared of what might happen next! I tried to say i was leaving today and he guilted me saying he is sorry he just feels alone and like no body is there for loves him and he lashes out at home because he has nothing else and no where else to go so now i feel like im failing my son if i dont leave and i want to protect him and i feel like i should make steps to get out but i also feel bad and guilty because this man needs me and has nobody around him. I cant keep fighting with him and fmediating and defending my child to him all day im tired and i feel so hopeless i just dont know what to do 🙁

[justfedup]

Sorry about the terrible English.. i wrote this freezing cold and quickly on my mobile phone! I should mention he is the childs father and we have been together (removed by moderator) years. I have stayed for this long because i am afraid when we seperate he will have access to my son without me there to see what happens or there to step in if things escalate. This verbal aggression has been going on since he was just a baby and crying in his cot! He would shout swearing “why wont you just fn sleep” etc.. i completely took over all parental duties to avoid this happening but obviously it isnt so easy to do that now my LO is older! Please dont judge me for this.

[Malaya]

Please please call the women’s aid helpline. You could report that incident to the police and get a court order against this guy. He will end up destroying you and your son. Can you get into a refuge? I really feel afraid for you both. After thT many years, it will never get better sweetheart. You and your child deserve better. Nobody will judge you, we are all here for you

[SaharaD]

Hi Justfedup

Sorry to hear that you are in the same position as you were before (removed by moderator) months ago and he’s taking it out on your son.

Please leave, you can get benefits and support. You need to tell social services but be cautious as they will assess both of your parenting skills. Most likely you will pass and he will fail. This is emotional abuse of your son and can have long lasting psychological damage on your son. Childhood abuse and trauma is very difficult to recover from but recovery can’t start out he is from from his vile father.

I was with my abusive husband for a similar amount of time. trust me you are better off out of it. It’s better to get out now. When your child goes to school and starts exhibiting the same behaviour as his father or repressed behaviours it will cause you more problems.

Teachers and nursery staff know something isn’t right and even the other children pick up on it. It could even make your child more vulnerable to bullying by other children.

The best thing is to leave. If his abusive father fails his parenting assessment, he will not be allowed to see his children unsupervised and most likely in a contact centre until his behaviour improves and the childrens behaviour around them improves.

[justfedup]

Thanks guys i know. Its been going on so long ut i do feel like its getting worse with time not better.. the outbursts may be less frequesnt at times but more severe ans the insults etc just keep coming. I think because its my son it just gone too far. I am just so scared of having 3rd party involvement and having that recorded against me and my child if you know what i mean. Its also because i just feel sorry for him and like he doesnt even revognise what he is doing as abuse.. i dont think he knows he is doing so wrong if that makes any sense. If i suspected he knew and was in control of it and was doing it with intent i think it would be so different! Argh its so frustrating and im in a cloud atm of fuzz ans confusion and anger, upset, hurt, guilt, empathy, fear, lonliness.. blah blah blah! :-/

[Malaya]

Honey. He knows what he’s doing. He is aware of what he’s doing. It is a game.

You have the strength to pick up your babies and get the hell out of there. You don’t know you have that strength, but I assure you, you do. Maternal instinct knows no bounds, when you think you are beaten down and defeated, the love for your child will keep you going.

No one is going to judge you from women’s aid, that’s for sure. There are people that can help you. I was scared to open up and get help, but I believe it has saved my life and definitely the wellbeing of my child. He is a different kid now, less anxious, more relaxed and content, more confidence.

Don’t ever forget….. the abuser knows what they are doing. They have conditioned you to feel sorry for them and to believe it’s because of their bad childhood/ mental health/ stressful job blah blah blah. They have played the relationship like a game of chess, 3 steps ahead and planning their next strategy. He relies on your compassion and love to kick in and kickstart your guilt, he has taught you to respond that way

[Jennaflorrie]

You sound like me.

I always felt sorry for my H Still feel sorry for him now!

He was verbally abusive to my d – when I wasn’t around….not so much when I was around….and she has depression. She is better now, because H is only around part of the time. But I wish I had not let him back into my life..I only see H half the time…but he is the other half staying with HIS parents and my Son lives with them too as he goes to college in the area.

Thing is….if you leave now…you will save a lot of anguish for yourself and your son. Though, just like you…I didn’t go…when the children were little, because I didn’t want H having access to the children when I wasn’t there.

It is a difficult situation and we all understand on these boards.

A helpful, very, very helpful source I have found…..HG Tudor…..knowing the Narccisst. Read his books..online via amazon..or he has a blog. You will see into the minds of these cunning people. The way they work..the way they think…the way they play us..soft hearted people…like a violin.

[justfedup]

I do, i do feel so sorry. Like he did used to have a good social group before we got together. Now we have a mortgage, a child, his qork hours are twice as long and all of his friends from before dwindled away as they still just partty and mess around and he is in a totally diff world and he has vlamed me for that for years ans resented me for it but it wasnt my fault… i never made thathappennd he does have other friends etc with work and the odd one but i think thats all part of growing ul.. i have also lost most of my friends in the transition, infact the ones i did stay in contact with he would make it akward or embarrassing to have over so now i dont even see them!! His mum is a narccaist and not very nice and she has practocally disowned him but said she never even wanted him and cried hysterically when she found out she was pregnant so his problems are deep routed!! But i am soft hearted and i do feel for him, this is why having negative thoughts or accepting he might know what he is doing is difficult! I dont want to believe someone (he) is capable of being aware of his behaviours knowing how much it is hurting and crippling me. He apologises and seems very regretful and sorry like he genuinely hates what he has done and then for a few days he will be the good him that i love which makes it easy to forgive and forget and just plod on until the next episode! Im just tired of taking blame for everything.. if he has such a rubbish life and i have ruined his so much and im such a rubbish person then why would he stick around? Im tired of feeling like i am responsible for his behaviours and feelings. Im tired of the mediating and fighting but now hr is back in nice mode that will fade for now, sometimes i wish i could stay mad then i might actually leave!! Something which will never sit well with me is qhen we were talking about my son.. he has said before he doesnt like him much (he was upset about it) and that was awful but he said dhe wouldnt be surprised if my son was the one no body wanted to play with and was the strange kid in the class. I have not and can not forget or forgive this.. what parent says that about their own flesh and blood! He is so hars on the poor boy sometimes and believe me there is nothing wrong with my child.. he is like any other (removed by moderator) year old, full of beans excited, bouncy and extremely clever he is do advance with his work! I just think im boiling over and need to get this out off my chest! I know no body is perfect but why do i feel so guilty and bad about telling even you guys about this? I wouldnt dare tel anybody else because i dont want people thinking badly of him and i also worry about him and what impact that would have on his feelings!

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi justfedup, I’m afraid he has conditioned you well to take responsibility for his feelings. It’s a drip, drip over every minute of every day for years. It becomes ingrained. But he is an adult and you are not responsible for his happiness, he is. As you rightly and clearly stated ‘if he has such a rubbish life and you are such a rubbish person why would he stick around?’ precisely, he wouldn’t. The truth is he has a great life. He has ensured that you do everything for him, caring for the home and your son, carefully keeping him happy, making sure others think well of him and he can do whatever he likes. I don’t know if you have read ‘living with the dominator’ but these are king of the castle tactics and they are working very nicely for him. I am sorry but his needs being met are his priority not the needs of you or your son. My ex said similar disgusting things about my autistic child’s future. He also turned out not to be the sad, self-pitying person he claimed to be all those years. As soon as I eventually left he was out seducing other women and I met old colleagues of his who told me what a fun, laid back guy he was. It was all lies. I know how painful that is to accept after years of devotion and investment but you say you would find it easier to leave if you knew he knew what he was doing. I think you do know deep down but it’s hard to accept. This man does not deserve your protection, your son does. I think also your son is young enough to be honest about his dad’s treatment of him and this will be a big help if you need social services involvement. Call women’s aid and get as much advice and support as you can to leave safely. Wishing you strength, believe in yourself xx

[older lady]

You don’t know what to do because of your feelings for your abusive partner. It seems like your maternal instincts for your child are being displaced onto the abuser. He has your shoulder to cry on, and your protection, at the moment. Your little boy, however, has been the victim of a grown man’s abuse. It’s not safe, either, for you to be in the middle. You and your son are vulnerable and at risk. If you focus on your feelings, the feelings that manipulate you and mitigate the threat and risks to you both of the abuse from an adult male you may delay. Don’t wait until the situation deteriorates further. Don’t wait, wanting to believe that you can survive each incident, just, or that it might get better. It doesn’t. Nobody helps an abuser get better. They are not ill, waiting for a cure. It certainly isn’t the victim’s role to help him. The incident with your little boy really stands out to me. How vulnerable in that moment he was. In looking for an excuse that gives a logical semblance for his aggression, your abusive partner has done what abusive men do and he’s got you nodding your head in sympathy at him. You may think you are on a journey together in which he can get better, overcome his demons. This is false. You are at continuing risk while you stay with him. Don’t let fear of third parties hinder you making the good decision to escape the abuse and the risks you will face in the future. Give your care and protection to your child and yourself, and let this man take care of himself. Do you have local help and support from a domestic abuse advisory service? You can ring the helpline on here. Please use this forum. Take care. Xx

[SamSun]

You are so brave do you know that. You are speaking about it. You are taking a step back to see it, to hear it.
Do not think you are alone. Get help, get the support you need professionally. Contact this forum helpline number as soon as you can.
I am an adult now, but was one of three children who had to grow up and endure early years of violent aggressive and abusive domination from a bullying father my mother was broken. A child cannot protect themselves from physical or verbal abuse. My brother and sister also have had to manage very difficult years of recovery and healing. It affected our childhood and developing years. I have always felt different to everyone else. I will always be affected by the trauma and abuse beset upon me that I did not choose. My father still struggles with his demons, had more kids he could not manage. As an adult I recognise that I needed protection. My mother did not get support, she waited, stuck, overwhelmed, expecting someone to come rescue her and her kids. It did not happen. The family turned a blind eye, everyone afraid and exasperated by the drama and threat of social services. Being dependent on him financially meant my mum felt hopeless. Today there is even more support and more acceptance, safe places to go for refuge. You have the best thing in life “a child” that needs your protection, not sympathy from others. You have work to do. You can do it. Women can work together to get things right again. May you be strong. X S

[SamSun]

PS
The abuse went on for (removed by moderator) years. My father met another women in therapy for anger management! She got pregnant. Eventually another violent row and then he left to live with her.
My mother got kicked out of the tied job/house my dad had left. My mum was offered a house, got benefits and started working part time. Mother still living in the same house with her 2nd husband (30 years married) two more grown children have flown her nest. No one could tell or know, but we 3 children know. The immediate family do not speak of such things EVER! My mother still thinks she could have changed him. He left because he had made another bed, but the damage had been done.
I know this may not be remotely close to your reality but the story is still an ongoing recovery of loss and healing and forgiveness.
It could have been so different. I am a different women because of it and take action. I do not tolerate abuse or bullying in any form. I am the neighbour who rings, I check, I sit and wait. As a mum I struggle with my teenage daughter but we are communicating and have boundaries so if I am stressed I can take the time to come back. I hope my story and experience somehow helps, puts light on how important we all are. That we are made more vulnerable if under threat of abuse and sooner rather than later we need to take a step away from it … to stop it. X

[justfedup]

Thank you all for your words ans insight. I do feel like this time something has clicked in me. Usually i would have put it aside by now with a more relaxed apologetuc atmosphere but i just cant seem to stop this one playing in my head, i cant let it go! I still have this numb shocked feeling bothering me, even though i still have the empathy etc I know i wont and cant carry on as i normally would. Maybe its me just becomming less tolerant but i find myseld challenging him at the moment.. a lot and maybe too much? Trying to figure him out and his logic/reason gor behaviours. (Detail removed by moderator)  Then came the heating.. i was cold and put the heating on.. within 10 minutes it was turned off.. i questioned this and he told me “nobody in this house is cold and therefor the heating doesnt need to be on!” I asked if he meant nobody with a valid opinion because im cold and hence why i turned it on.. he told me its not cold, he is hot and my little boy shouted that he was cold too.. obviously me and the little one were wrong.. its not cold apparantly!? So he completely invalidates me, he he thinks he knows and can dictate wether or not im feeling cold? He says i should put more clothes on and maybe i should. I cant work out if my tolerance has bit the dust or if i am being akward and causing myself problems? These are the petry trivial things that are going on every single day (as you can see already its not even lunch time!) Am i being akward and causing myself grief? I just dont teust my own judgement anymore there is no clarity.. i think im right in my thougjts but maybe im not!! So confusing!!

[Author]

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