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So this may be the most stupid post ever but I have nobody else to ask. Bare with me.
Its hot and id love to sleep with not much on but I cant cause he will constantly touch rub and poke me even when i ask him to stop he wont and it will turn nasty. If i ever wear a skirt he will put his hand up it he is always trying to poke and grab and wont even give me a hug without grabbing. He says i shouldnt be so sexy 🙄 believe me im trying not too i never look nice im not eating im trying to make myself so small so un attractive to him so he stops he then tells me im too thin im old looking Im not the woman i once was how i was so much better looking years ago. We swing like this all the time along with constant accusations and nastiness when i say no.
Is this constant grabbing poking rubbing usual? Ive not had a “normal” relationship so i dont know im ashamed to say I really dont know.
Im trying to pick my way through this trying to accept and see my marriage as most of you see it I guess I still cant say that A word but Im trying so hard to understand accept so I can finally do something about it instead of moaning all the time.
Im so ashamed and embarressed to ask but its something that I cant stop wondering about.
Many Thanks
Stay safe stay strong x*x -
Hi, in short, no, sorry you might not want to hear that, and its brave of you to face this like this, but no, it isn’t. Noone should feel worried about what they wear in case of incessant assault. If you’ve said ‘no’, that should be the end of it. The reason you don’t know is because that has become normal for you, like you say, but it really isn’t. Noone owns your body, or has rights to it in any way, apart from you, and I am sorry you have to suffer this continual sexual abuse. What he’s doing is exactly the same as a complete stranger grabbing at you under your skirt, or up-skirting, the rules don’t change because you are indoors and this is your partner. You both need to be aware of this. Its a bodily assault, and sexual, and a crime.
You are being very brave and you are getting there. Learning boundaries after abuse, or during abuse, is vital to know why we feel so overwhelmed and bad.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you its not easy but I had to ask Im trying so hard to see all this, as it is, so I can start to move foward. I didnt wanna ask the question but it eats away at me all the time. I still believe all this is in my head each time i ask and one of you answers its helps me start to see maybe just maybe its not all in my head. He never says i look nice or pretty its always sexy its always grabbing touching dirty comments that make my skin crawl then when i tell him to stop its the nasty comments the having a strop the accusations.
I appreciate your honesty i really need it.
Thank you so much xxxx
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It’s your body and you have the say on who touches you where and when. Nobody should be touching you without consent. My ex used to do this to me. It made my skin crawl and it’s wrong. I’d be called frigid. Told I was no fun. Anything to make me feel bad, guilty, ashamed but the shame was his. I wouldn’t go around grabbing his crotch or sticking my hands down his trousers. Clear consent is needed as twisted sister says, being in a relationship changes nothing. You can make yourself look as unattractive as you like but it’s not about that.it’s about control. It’s about you saying no and setting boundaries which abusers hate and will always trample. Also not validating your feelings is destructive psychologically x
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Hi
I would say that anything you don’t feel comfortable with is not normal. In other words if he makes you feel uncomfortable like you say than it can’t be right full stop. My new partner mucks around grabbing me if I’m not in the mood to play like that I say to him “dont” or “get off” and he does with no fuss or questions and I believe that is the normal way. Sometimes I grab him and if he’s not in the mood he will say “not now Baby” or something like that and I respect him for that. -
@auriel I read your other comments no need to delete my friend they were spot on.
As ahsamed and as hard as it is i am ready to face this which is why i ask the questions. Sometimes its more than grabbing its poking right between my legs its grabbing and pinching my boobs its hand up my skirt whilst walking down the street mostly when hes had a deink but still its not nice and i tell him so and thats when he gets nasty. He is currently (detail removed by moderator) he says i must have someone else.
When you know no different its so hard to know whats right. Especially the small stuff like this. The abuse word is still too hard for me to accept to believe to me its still in my head ny fault my own doing but day by day bit by bit im slowly starting to see he is more than just mean.
Auriel you are incredable and your advice and words are always truthful and i know come from the heart so never be afraid to say it as it is with me I much prefer that. Thank you so much for each of your replies xx -
Abusers totally mess with your head. My ex had me convinced of the most stupid things. I believed him. Why would he lie. It was all manipulation to get what he wanted. Or retribution for my saying no. Living with abusers is one big lesson in dysfunctional behaviour x make your own boundaries and stick to them. Keep a journal so you could write today I told him not to touch me without asking my permission first. Any reasonable man would apologise and accept that those were your boundaries but watch how an abuser responds….. blame, guilt, ridicule trampling your boundaries x
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He just laughs at me tells me im stupid if i say anything about how he should respect me. He says that our life is all about me how its not fair that i can say no so we dont but he says yes so we should. He says its always all about ne and makes ne feel selfish. I just cant stand his touch he makes my skin crawl.
I want to be done I wanted this to be all in my head because then i can get forget about it and just carry on Im starting to enjoy so much about my life just not coming home I hate that bit.
Believing this behaviour isnt “normal” is hard because im starting to believe this is more than just nastiness and if I admit it surely I have to them act and thats the bit i just cant do and it makes me so angry with myself.
I cant write things down without him asking what im doing and moaning but its a good idea I could try again maybe in the car on my way home. Thanks KIP xx
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As the years have gone on I’ve noticed this sort of grabbing or touching and it all feels like it’s more about ‘ownership’. I’ve had him squeezing me in public and I literally dodge away from it because I find it embarassing and it feels more like “I own you and can do what I want” than anything else. Like you, I’ve never known any different but healthy people would have respect for other people’s bodies x*x
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Thank you all for your comments.
I wanted to add quickly before I shut up that since I wrote this post weirdly it has stopped. Ive been on a (detail removed by Moderator) long period i think they are a mess due to not eating and stress and ny age but anyway he has gotton the right hump and is ignoring me not asking not hugging or touching its like he reads my posts. Im sure this is another tactic a guilt trip to make me want him he wants me to offer to well you know im sure which i often do to keep the leace to stop his mood but this time im trying hard not to back down not to allow him into my head but its so hard he looks sad and i have that feeling in my tummy that hes gonna blow anytime soon and i hate that. -
Just jumping on the thread here, you aren’t alone, After a an argument I’ve said leave me alone, only to be grabbed, or hand up my dress, and he can clearly see I’m distressed he tuts at me and says for goodness sake am I that awful it would be worse if I didn’t want to touch you. I should be able to touch you. It’s crossing boundaries and it makes my skin crawl! The pit of your stomach aches it just not right.
Then I feel… like I’m an ice queen and I’m being unreasonable I tell myself he was only trying to joke around. Thank heavens for this group I’m learning so much more and I’m waking up
Take care x -
There is so much to learn here. At times I feel very silly for not knowing what is healthy and not. Learning now at my age, (even though I guess I knew deep down anyway) My body is mine, nobody has an entitlement over my body. I get to choose. I get to decide what I want and what is right.
Like someone said above, if it doesn’t feel right to you, then it’s not right. A friend said that to me before when I was self-doubting and looking for reassurance. If you feel its inappropriate then its inappropriate. The amount of times I’ve been made to feel, I’m no fun, no sense of adventure, everyone else is doing it way more often. Like theres a set number of times per week it should happen.
I’m learning all the time. and hoping with that I’m minimising the self doubt. But it’s hard, I know how hard it is. But it is hopefully forward steps for us all-
Yes, I think that’s the problem, the trying to normalise it but I think every person has a human right to feel their feelings and what their body is telling them. If that’s discomfort then it is not right. And ignoring communication from your partner who is telling you that it is causing them discomfort is abuse of power and treating you like a object rather than a soul mate because he is incapable of adknowledging you as a person who is affected by his unwanted actions.
I think this is all part of the control and belittling though, trying to empower himself by taking away your self worth to feed his ego. Abusers have no empathy for others, just how they can gratify themselves regardless of the price to the other persons mental health or wellbeing. They can’t even understand when you explain.
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Thanks for the new posts on here. Its so hard its embarressing when you have to ask something like this when you have to talk about it but not knowing any different beating myself up for not knowing the answer i guess is worse.
Its not been as bad lately i think maybe hes learnt maybe he respects me maybe i over react or maybe hes pulling me back in cause its still there at times I just dont always see it cause it hurts right?
I hope my posts has helped someone else see and understand xxxxx -
My ex was the same, constantly putting his hand down pj’s and when I’d tell him to stop he would sulk and continue til he’d had enough. He’d say similar it’s cos you’re so sexy etc but I found it repulsive and definitely not the turn on I think he wanted it to be. The funny thing is early in our relationship he would stop when asked but as the years passed it was as if I wasn’t even speaking.
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It’s seeming ‘not as bad lately’ because the cycle of abuse has moved into a different phase. Ever notice the same pattern? Please walk away from this person, he will never ever change no matter how much you think you can change him or that you were the only one to try work through it and not give up. Stick around long enough and you’ll enter his blow phase again, please don’t let him trick you, he’ll never change.
The problem with abusers is that they have no empathy, therefore cannot truly love or truly comprehend or care for another human being.
You should not feel embarrassed, he has you so confused through manipulation which is why you doubt yourself, another abuser tactic.
You have to see this for what it is, he does not respect you or see you than anything other than an object for his control and gratification to feed his self worth whilst taking your self worth, making you feel numb, messing with your head and ultimately breaking you to a point of no return should you let him.
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Well keep posting here. We will help you on your journey to becoming strong enough, keeping you sane and helping you make that break.
Good luck hun, stay safe and wishing you love xoxo
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I hope you are doing okay and staying strong @nbumblebee xx
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Hey how are you?
Im ok up and down feeling very weak and not well today but been an exhasting few days.
He told me that ive changed that i no longer make an effort to look nice i dont make the effort in the bedroom i dont dress up, that since working i dont love him anymore how im just skinny and haggered. We went out and he kept asking me how he looked whilst not once did he compliment me. Then today back to nice thoughtful loving. I start a new course and will be late home (detail removed by Moderator) so lets see how he reacts to that! My guess is its not going to be good. I know its all just silly little things i get that and i really shouldnt moan but Its like being on a seasaw never knowing when you gonna get off.
Thank you for asking i really do appreciate it xxxxx
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I’m okay thanks, having a better day today and just trying to ignore the self loathing doubts in my mind, you know how it goes, being your own worst critic. We need to learn to speak kindly to ourselves.
He sounds like he is sucking and draining the life out of you. Those little silly things all add up and really do grind you down, however silly. You don’t need to take it. I hope you get stronger.
Yeah, back to the nice old thoughtful to keep you hooked and confused. This tactic is to keep you where he wants you, hopeful. You deserve nice every day, not to be second guessing which version you’ll get.
You can get off the seesaw whenever you want, I’m glad you are working. Make supportive connections, don’t lose you.
Sending you a hug x*x
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Yes, in life we’re all going to have ups and downs at some point but when the downs are outnumbering the ups and it’s a regular occurance that’s when you need to take a stand for yourself. When I stopped feeling like myself anymore that’s when I knew I had to break away. Your partner should raise you when you’re at your lows, not be the cause of them.
You’re still the same you, don’t doubt that. You know in your heart what you want/expect from love and don’t compromise on it – we only live one life, make the best of your time!
As hard and scary as it is, I’m happier feeling lonely sometimes and living free than letting someone control my moods day in and day out and living in constant fear of blow ups. It was actually more scary and lonely in a relationship. I’m now focusing on the good things to come my way in the future xx
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