Picking up the pieces day by day

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I didn’t know anything about domestic violence until a few weeks ago when it dawned on me that I was in a very abusive relationship. I’ve now escaped and I’m picking up the pieces of my life.

I am going through a whole range of feelings emotions each day from denial, terror, fear, sadness, depression, anxiety, nausea at his deception and callousness when I thought he cared about me, loss of hope for the future, despair, disbelief, feeling like a fool for not realising what he was doing to me, exhaustion.

I wasn’t able to sleep much for a week due to extreme anxiety but I am back sleeping better now and went to the gym today which is positive.

Today I cried for hours as I felt like I had to mourn the person he was at the beginning who I now think was just a mask. He seemed so lovely, sweet, intelligent, kind and funny at first and really interested in me and my life which felt wonderful after being single for a long time. The contrast to who he was at the end is unbelievable – a violent misogynist. The complete opposite of the man I thought he was. The deceit is one of the worst things about it.

What an absolute mess. I guess it’s just about taking each day at a time. Hoping it gets better. Really want to rebuild my life and to put this all behind me whilst also learning extremely valuable lessons from it. Thanks for listening.

[KIP.]

Hi there. Recovery is a rollercoaster but you seem to have a really good grasp on domestic abuse. You describe it so well. How they wear a mask in the beginning. I too cannot believe that the person I met in the beginning never existed. Throughout my marriage my ex would say I had changed but he hadn’t. It’s the pathalogical lying that is so harmful too. I like to remind myself that I’m a good person capable of true love, even if they never were, it’s no reflection on us. A very painful lesson learned to move forward wiser and stronger.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Kip. It’s so good to feel less alone and talk to others who have experienced this although it’s unbelievable how many terrible men there are out there who deliberately target, deceive, patholigically lie to, trap and abuse and deliberately hurt women with seemingly no remorse.

I keep feeling troubled that my ex is a psychopath, because he joked about killing me and hiding my body. He seemed to enjoy scaring me all under the guise of a joke. There was a terrifying cold blackness in his heart that I saw at the end once I saw through his previously extremely convincing mask. I also started to notice that he lacked empathy in the way he didn’t seem affected at by horrific news stories or violence on tv which I can’t watch (he seemed to enjoy watching it) and if I was upset he didn’t seem affected by it. I realised he had no actual feelings for me towards the end which was terrifying.

I didn’t sleep for a week after I realised I was actually in a relationship with a monster.

I can’t comprehend why they do this? It makes me feel physically ill thinking he was acting for all that time pretending to be someone he wasn’t. We used to spend whole weekends together and he always seemed super happy and interested in the hobbies and places I introduced him to and I feel sick thinking that was all an act? I also feel so foolish thinking I’d found a guy who was a good match for me in terms of values, goals, lifestyle etc and who cared for me when it was all an act. My friends all have healthy relationships, I don’t know why they seem to allude me, it feels like good healthy men run away from me and I’m just left with the weirdos, liars, creeps, abusers and psychopaths?

Why don’t they just want to be good people, doing their best like the rest of us? Why aren’t they happy when a good kind beautiful faithful woman loves them? Why can’t they be faithful and treat us well?

I gave so much to him in terms of time, affection, changed my routine for him, always made a big effort with appearance to look attractive, started wearing perfume he liked, agreed to text him each morning (because he said he felt insecure if I didn’t), was always 100% faithful, there for him, wanted the best for him, was always 100% honest with him about everything and shared my hopes, dreams and fears with him. I was so tired from the effort that the rest of my life started to suffer. And he repaid me with patholigical lies, I’m certain he was cheating the whole time, gaslighting, physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse and an increasingly cold and callous way of treating me. The pain is so bad each day but the forum helps plus helplines, friends etc.

Sigh. I really want to use all this as a positive catalyst for change, if I can get through it.

[Savingmyself]

Hiya
It’s like We have all been out with the same man
you described my relationship in all that you wrote .
Please look up psychopath free it will help
You have been very aware and well done in getting away
Hugs xx

[Dragonfly]

It is exactly like we’ve all been out with the same man indeed! A perfect 100% accurate. That was my relationship too.

We need to concentrate on us, not them xx

[Serenity]

Hi Sunshine Rain Flower,

I just wanted to reassure you that you will be ok.

I think it takes a very strong person to live with abuse. We all have incredible stamina and inner strength.

There was a time when I thought I wouldn’t survive all that he was directing at me and all that he had done, but I’m still here to tell the tale. Not only that, I’ve gone from feeling completely vulnerable, emptied and totally traumatised to feeling a deep joy in my heart that I can’t describe, which has come from fighting his attempts to destroy me. In fighting these abusers, you grow in strength. You grow in knowledge and power, self-respect and resilience.

I still have the odd time when I am triggered and I have difficult days, but overall I am a completely different person than the one he imagined he’d reduced me to. And you can get there too. I think we are all amazingly strong inside, far stronger than our abusers. I promise you’ll be fine x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

U will be ok in time, once we realize we were in a domestic violence realtionship it is a lot to processs, i think it took me two years to process it all in, teh emotiosn are liek a rollocaster, ladies here have advised u perfectly and i would only repeat all of the above so wont say the same. I found going to the gym helped me a lot too, so keep it up, try counselling it really helps u understand your feelings

[tallybee]

Hi 🙂

It’s like they all go to the same training camp for b******s. I’ve spoken to a lot of women who are survivors, and they all describe such similar things that they’ve been put through. We have to always remind ourselves that it’s these men who have something wrong with them and not us.

[Author]

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