Plan made but doubts sky rocketing . .help please

[searchingforhope]

I’ve a place to rent lined up. Never thought I’d leave our home, but I must tell him now I’m leaving. I’m afraid I’ll back out.
We are from a small town, so I can’t really just disappear, I’ll have to deal with him being so difficult. Maybe I’m naive still that I can communicate with him. But I guess I know from past that’s difficult. He’s a n********t, I see it now. But also the doubts he’d created inside me are do real. My self esteem is rock bottom.

I know I can’t go on here. I’m fairly sure that I won’t ever love him as I should again.
He’s done so much to hurt me.

Why are we the only ones that can do this part?
I just wana run away and hide. My kids are my world and giving me purpose. I must do this for them and me, but it’s SO SO hard

[Lisa]

Hi searchingforhope,

Making a plan to leave an abusive relationship is extremely difficult, so it’s important you have as much support around you as possible. You have done so well to take yourself this far and to have managed to secured a safe, alternative place to live.
Understandably you are feeling overwhelmed and even doubtful, but please focus on the fact you know deep down you are doing the right thing.
If you need advice, emotional and practical help, do call your local domestic abuse service. Tell them all that is concerning you, and they will do the best they can to help and ensure you and your children’s safety while making this move.
It’s always good to know your rights as a parent in all this, as you expressed you sense he will make things very difficult for you when he finds out your leaving. Just know that as the non-abusive parent, you have the right to do what you feel is necessary to ensure the safety and well being of your children. Again, always use your local domestic abuse service if you just need advice and talk anything through. Rights of Women provide free, specialist , legal advice to women experiencing domestic abuse. Also, the Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (8am-6pm, Mon-Fri).
Do keep posting here to let us know how you are. We are here for you.
All the best,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi searchingforhope

I just wanted to say keep at it, and send you strength for the journey you have started on.

It takes a long time to come to this point, and a lot of pain and wasted energy trying to make things work and hope the abuse stops before realising its not going to…ever. It will be the same if you try to explain anything to him, be prepared for realising your breath and energy will be wasted on him.

Just prepare yourself so you are not disappointed. Most advise not to waste your precious energy on it, I would say the same. Your energy is so precious, and your children need it, and so do you, to get through this. Take care of it, and keep it for you all. Good luck with the move

warmest wishes

ts

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much. Reserving my energy is good advice, thanks, I’ll try do that best I can.
Stop by step I guess, just need to keep myself focused.
It’s so hard though.

[Watersprite]

Hi there yes it is so hard but you have realised it’s abuse and decided you don’t deserve it and can’t take any more. It takes a lot to get to that point and a lot to leave your home. That says it all x You absolutely deserve safety freedom peace drama free living for you and your children. It is scary but you have made up your mind keep moving forwards you have a place to go gather support it will be bumpy but set your intention and follow it – you can do this there is hope and a life the other side of this. Good luck you are not alone keep posting for support if you need x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much xx

[Pinkvelvet]

You can do this @searchingforhope, you’ve got this. Think to the future and the lifetime of happy memories that are yet to be made. Happiness is just around the corner, keep positive and look forward. Stay safe and keep going lovely xx

[searchingforhope]

I’ve done so much, ended it, told the kids& now he’s turned it all around on me again. He wants me, loves me& is fighting for me. Despite all the bad things I’ve said about him!!

I’m so lost& confused. He’s me almost convinced I’m wrong not to give him another chance.

It’s like I can see the door to escape & can’t get out. Maybe I should hVe just taken kids, said nothing & left with nothing. But I thought least of all I could get my things, when I’m leaving the house.
He’s me so convinced he’s not the bad person I’ve made him out to be.

I don’t know can I do this. I don’t know at all.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi searchingforhope

I don’t know all your experiences of abuse but…this is what hits me…

“I know I can’t go on here. I’m fairly sure that I won’t ever love him as I should again.”

and…

“He’s done so much to hurt me.”

Whatever “words” he uses to now try to backtrack and minimise, gaslight, turn the blame on you, what you wrote up there remains true.

In non-abusive relationships, either partner walks away because the relationship doesn’t work for them, or is not making them happy, they sit and talk, and agree that things are not working, and work together to separate as amenably as possible. This isn’t what you have. You have an abuser, who’s now been hit with the possibility of losing control of you and the kids, and is twisting himself inside out to regain control in whatever way he can – including blaming you for it!!

You’re not destroying any family, he broke his part in the family when first he abused you all. Thats not something you can do anything about. You can’t make this things not happen, they already did, and his words, no matter what words they are, or whether accompanied by fury and rages, or tears and apologies, doesn’t alter the abuse, the material facts of your lives with him.

The only way its ever going to stop is through your actions, by walking away from him and keeping you all safe.

You must be very careful, and not bother to waste more words on him, just do whatever you need to keep safe as you cannot predict how far he will escalate his abuse now, if he thinks all is lost.

warmest wishes

ts

[searchingforhope]

Thanks twistedsister, he certainly seems to be trying anything to convince me to stay and I am wrong. I’m so tired from it all so worn. I need to stick to my plan, but its so difficult. It actually feels like the life and spirit has been slowly sucked out of me and I have very little left.
I just need to summon strength for to carry out my plan now. xx

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