Planning to leave- need advice

[Creamflowersbloom]

I’m planning to leave. I’ve never felt this way before. Been with abused for (detail removed by moderator). Been married nearly (detail removed by moderator).

He’s used steroids on off the whole relationship. He’s pinned me down and told me he doesn’t like me, no one likes me. He’s thrown away his wedding ring hundreds of time. He battered my back in when I asked him to do a cleaning task because he didn’t want to feel under pressure. He’s abused me from day 1 for (detail removed by moderator). He’s wedge ripped my trousers off of me. He has thrown keys at my face causing a black eye. He’s hit me over the head so hard it perforated my ear drum. He’s punched me in the face on nearly every holiday we went on. If we have sex and I don’t look like I’m enjoying it he turns physically abusive. He stayed away one night and the next day had sperm all over his boxers? Is he cheating? The police were involved a couple of months ago because my friend sent in a video of his verbal abuse to me which I managed to record. I didn’t make a statement against him as I thought he could change. The physical abuse stopped. The emotional abuse continued. He also started braking the car hard so it would throw my body forward. He’s been so abusive about my appearance too. Fat mess, ugly. My friend recently found something I’d sent her from when we first date and he was name calling me then too. After the police incident he said he would never take steroids again. He lied. I found them hidden. I was suspicious as he had tried to strangle me with a scarf at the weekend and had prodded me in the back repeatedly as he said I took every to heart. I finally took the first step and phoned women’s aid. They have a waiting list. Which just shows how many women are being abused in the area I live in. I’ve tried to leave in the past, when I did he trashed the house and stopped looking after our pets. I need to find the strength to leave. A part of me still thinks he could change and be good to me. I’m also starting to realise there is no future.

[Creamflowersbloom]

I think I’m at breaking point. My friends know, my family know. I’ve even let my boss at work know. I developed really bad anxiety which clearly stems from how I’m treated.

I feel if I leave him I need to do everything which would stop contact with him. Or I need to go to the police and get the locks changed. It’s half his house too? I’m scared to ruin his life by going to the police. I hate the thought of him finding someone else and not being with me anymore. But I hate the thought more of him abusing someone else.

[Free5pirit]

That’s sounds all to familiar, You do not deserve this though, abusive partners tend to go for those who have high levels of empathy (fix it) mode most of the time. I’f you are planning on leaving have a plan in place don’t put yourself in any danger. Once I left my ex he smashed my house up the following morning an assaulted me, once they realise the power is no longer in their hands they panic. Hope your ok. Take one step at time xx

[Creamflowersbloom]

I think the lies about taking steroids and the realisation he won’t ever change have finally set in. If we ever had a child…. he pushed his sister when she was pregnant…. he has abused his own family for years too. The worst part is he doesn’t think he has abused me.

[KIP.]

Hi, he sounds extremely dangerous. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He chooses to abuse. He las free will just like you and I. Steroids are no excuse for his behaviour. Please go to the police and make a full report. Hopefully they can get you the help you need and even bail conditions to keep you as safe as can be. He won’t ever change. Abusers are liars and yes they are prone to cheating too. His cheating would just be another form of abuse. But when you actually look at what he has done to you the cheating pales into insignificance. Painful as it might be. Abuse messes with our heads. Google trauma bonding and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You need a safe exit plan. It’s the most dangerous time when leaving an abusive relationship so don’t tell him what you’re planning. Can you go and stay with a friend and make the statement to the police. You can also speak to a solicitor about a non molestation order to prevent him contacting you. Keep talking to women’s aid. Even though you’re on the waiting list you can ring them for advice or the national domestic abuse helpline number. Abusers never change and abuse always gets worse. There’s nothing you could have done to stop it. He chooses to abuse you. It actually makes him feel good.

[Creamflowersbloom]

Hi free spirit,

Yes, I’ve had the same experience. I once left for 3 days, he neglected our pets, trashed the house and I bore the brunt of it. Have you left your abuser? How did you do it?

I’m surprised I’ve finally made it to this point that I’m ready to leave, or more so get rid of him. I realise I’m tied up in a mortgage with him. I’m playing the good wife, but I’ve suggested to him we should sell the house and get a smaller house. So I’ve planted the seed. Then if we got a buyer I’d say I’m going to get my own house. Or suggest we get two properties one each and rent one to cover both mortgages or something. He need to believe it’s his idea. It’s funny because he’s said yes that would be great, we downsize, we go on more holidays, NO! He’s deluded. Xx

[Creamflowersbloom]

Hello KIP,

Since I posted I met with two support domestic abuse police officers and they’re going to offer me support when I leave/get rid of him. They understand I need to save some money first. I’m starting to think persuading him into letting us sell the house to downsize is a good idea and benefits him…. really I just want to find a buyer then make it clear I want my own place or something like that. I can’t report him, he has legal rights to our house, then have to live in hell with him waiting for a trial. I’m not leaving the home as I think in this day and age, women should not have to give to their rights and flee the marital home. Although I accept that may have to be the way it is. I also phoned my GP to ask to be put on the pill and he was relieved because he was aware of the abuse. I’m going to keep the pill hidden at work and cut off tabs to take home at the weekend etc. If he knew he couldn’t handle it. He wants us to have a child together- I do not. It’s by Gods good graces that I’ve never got pregnant. But he’s also likely sterile from years of steroid abuse! But it felt powerful to start the pill today. I also went swimming with my friend who originally reported him. I haven’t drank in years because he didn’t allow me too. Now I’m making plans with friends at all the things I will get to do with them!

[Creamflowersbloom]

I just hope I’m able to finish it all this year. I have moments where I feel sad for him, I keep thinking he has no idea I don’t feel the same way for him. It’s soul destroying the abuse.

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