Planning to leave

[Cloudy]

Hi there,
I’ve made a lot of progress over the last few months since finding this website, speaking with friends and now meeting with my local DA service.
I really hope to leave some time in the next few weeks, but am so incredibly scared. Things have been fairly calm for a while now which is making me feel more guilty, but I am being encouraged to leave before things get very bad again. I am travelling with my work soon for a period of time and considering trying to break things off over the phone. Is this really cowardly of me? It’s just that last time I tried to leave, I got stuck with him persuading me to stay and it was awful.
Has anyone else ever began the leaving process whilst they’re being fairly ‘nice’? It makes me feel sick to my stomach and I just don’t know if I can do it.
I guess I’m coming here for a bit of encouragement, but also don’t want people to tell me what I want to hear if this may be a bad way of breaking things off.
Thank you xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Cloudy

Well done for all you have done so far in planning for making this break. It is hard, and it can be very scarey and guilt-inducing, but please hang onto the fact that he has forced this, not you. The blame is his, and if there had been another way you wouldn’t have come to this point.

There is no need whatsoever, ever, to have to explain yourself to him, none. You owe him nothing,and he owes you everything for what he’s done that was so bad you ended up where you are now, planning to leave and not dare to say anything until you left, and scared that he will lure you back in. That shows you how bad things have got. So, now you do you, leave as you plan, and don’t look back. Hold your head high and know that you have done all that you can, and loads more besides, more than is ever expected of you. You would know already if he was the kind of guy you could have this discussion about and walk away in a normal way, but you have found that this isn’t possible, so you have to look out for yourself now.

When you walk away, leave the guilt behind and look to the future. He is an adult and can sort himself out, he is not your problem, or your dependent. He’s a grown adult and can do this for himself. He’s had all the explanations and knows, probably better than you, why you’ve left and exactly what he’s done (well that’s been my experience, and it’s shocking that they know exactly what they’ve done!).

No regrets.

Warmest wishes

ts

[LozzyX]

I needed to read this today, thank you both and thanks TS your advice is very relevant to me too right now, especially about not feeling guilty .. I often cave in due to guilt , for me thats the hardest emotion to handle… My husbands mental and physical health has deteriorated so much but not once has he took ownership of his actions that caused this deterioration instead he became increasingly dependent on drugs and me – and everything bad that’s happened is everyone elses fault.

So yes we need to say enough is enough , out ourselves first this time.

Cloudy I wish you strength and all the very best for your escape, you got this xx

[nbumblebee]

Just a few weeks ago I almost went after gears saying I never would my bag was packed and I told him I was going.
Niceness crept back in and im still here. Yup hes trying really hard but for how long? Am I happy? No do i still want to leave? Yes.
Can I? No.
Go go go go you owe him nothing.
Go first get safe then call him or whatever you can do but make sure you go first as he will pull you back in and before you realise it will all start again.
Good luck let us know how you get on. You are amazing just amazing x

[Cloudy]

Thank you so much everyone for your encouragement, I really needed this.
I will be coming back to this post and re-reading the messages over these next few weeks, trying not to lose momentum or lose sight of where I want to be.
Shaking off the guilt is by far the hardest part, but I just need to keep pushing forward.
Take care xx

[swanlake]

It is absolutely not cowardly to break the news by phone, this might be the safest and most effective way for you so it’s the right way.
I went no contact with my abuser after a something and nothing incident. I failed to buy the thing that they wanted from the shop. I’m sure that I was a ‘repeat offender’ but on that occasion for whatever reason I had enough of their despicable treatment of me, which included things far worse than being shouted at for trivial things.
The niceness is just to confuse and the blathering about health is just to tug on the heart strings. My abuser has apparently been desperate and unwell for decades, which is just untrue as they are very much hale and hearty.

[Author]

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