Play fighting?

[TeaTeaTea]

My partner often “play fights” with me. So, things like slapping or trying to whip me with a wet tea towel. It’s all delivered “in fun” rather than with aggression, but slapping, for example, can be hard enough to leave a mark. Occasionally, he’ll put his hands around my throat, but it’s “play fighting”, lasts about 5 seconds, and there’s never any harm done, and I really don’t think he’d do me any real harm. It just makes me a bit uncomfortable and I don’t particularly enjoy it.

I’ve always figured that it’s normal for couples to “play fight” and it’s not a major issue, but I don’t know. What do you think?

[she-ra]

Hi ttt,

My husband does the tea towel whipping and did the play fighting to begin with, he ‘play’ fights with my children too. He thinks it toughens us all up and makes us able to tolerate things and defend ourselves, he also does Chinese burns etc. It is not ok, it is not ‘playing’ around, when i get upset or annoyed about it it means I don’t have a sense of humour and I’m the one with the problem according to him and that I’m ‘boring’. He doesn’t play fight now he just hurts me, no playing intended. I can’t speak for you my lovely but in my experience it’s just a ruse and testing the waters to see how far they can go. If you don’t like it tell him, what does he say? X*x

[KIP.]

It makes you feel uncomfortable and you don’t like it therefore it is totally unacceptable. As she-ra says, tell him how you feel and see if he stops it. In my experience he will minimise your feelings and probably blame your for being too sensitive or having no sense of humour. They know exactly what they’re doing and if someone told me to stop it I would. They hide behind this only s joke thing. Not funny.

[maddog]

My ex soon stopped me from playing with him. He hated me showing affection. It had to be His Way. Whipping someone is not affection without consent. It is assault. If you cannot talk about it and you feel ‘done at’ it is assault.

[LizSKY]

Hey lovely, my partner used to play fight, but it eventually started getting to a point that when I said he was hurting me he wouldn’t stop until he felt he should. In my experience it was never play fighting, just an excuse.

Like other posters have said, see what he does when you ask him to stop.

Take care

x*x

[TeaTeaTea]

Thank you for your replies.

Making out that I’m “boring” or being oversensitive sounds very familiar. He does that with regards to verbal insults too.

I said no slapping  and he carried on anyway. I will do as you’ve suggested and see what he does when I directly ask him to stop.

Thanks again.

[she-ra]

Good luck x

[Tiffany]

Mine did that too. He pointed out that I play fought with my brother and was fine with it. And then made me feel bad for not being ok with him doing it. I was not ok with him “play fighting” because he scared me. He didn’t respect my boundaries. Trust your gut.

[SunshineRainflower]

My ex did this too, our whole relationship started off with tonnes of this ‘play fighting’ which I’d never really experienced with previous partners. It seemed genuine fun at first but by the end he was just really rough and angry with me and I often had bruises. He also put his hand around my neck at one point. Like another poster said I think abusive men use this to test our boundaries to see what we will tolerate. They are angry and aggressive and like taking it out on someone without having any consequences. It’s also a really easy way for them to use plausible deniability ie “don’t be silly I didn’t mean to hurt you, we were playing a game, you’re overreacting/being oversensitive!” etc and this can go on for months meaning you are experiencing physical abuse and have no idea. I do think non abusive people can use play fighting safely but it’s one of those things I’d be extremely wary of now.

[Xxxdreamcatcherxxx]

My boyfriend playfights with me, punches me in the arm, leaves bruises, once i had to say it was because i just moved but my friend knew it was a handprint. Other times he gets the remote and gives me what he calls a gentle tap but for me it really hurts. When were intimate he grabs me by the throat saying you like it rough etc. Iv been wondering am in a abusive relationship again and im concluding i am. I think playfighting that hurts or you feel uncomfortable with is abuse.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, i just want to let you know my husband says things like, im only messing, playing, dont be so touchy,you bruise really easily when he punches,slaps,hits with remote, whips with teatowel, pours cup of cold water on me when in bath, but god help me if i even flick cold water on him!!! Ive been told you love it when im rough and he puts his hands round my throat and squeezes and presses. I believe he got a lot of how to treat women from watching porn which often portrays women as objects and who enjoy rough abusive sex. 😞😞

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