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So I have started the process of getting out. I have applied for social housing through the council and said I was suffering domestic abuse, it’s purely emotional but they said it falls under the same topic. While this is going on I have to live in the same house as him and play pretend like nothing is going on… its so dam hard and I find myself hating him inside at everything he says, I feel a bit scared as I have to mask the hatred I feel for him while I wait for something to come up. I have chosen not to escape to a refuge as I want to keep my daughters life as normal as possible until we get something sorted. We own the property we have together. This will obviously have to be sold once I make my move and will have all that stress to deal with when it happens. But I would like to know if anybody else has been in the same position as me. I feel like I am living a lie at the minute.
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Yes I did, like you I started the ball rolling whilst still being together and it’s a mental battle each day, coupled with total paranoia they’ll find out! You’ll probably find he’ll become super nice as they have a habit of sensing a slight change in you and try to hook you back in. I found keeping notes/journal helpful. I found the more I sorted and learnt the stronger I felt and actually ended the relationship before leaving resulting in months under the same roof. If you can avoid this step then do as that’s a whole other level of nasty limbo to be in!
This might sound daft but on top of all the other emotions I had going on I found council housing process is another process to prepare yourself for mentally as each week the list comes out, you apply, you feel hope, you feel scared about what if you get somewhere/how will I tell him, followed by disappointment when you don’t and realisation of another week in this situation – so look after yourself there. Good luck xx
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Yes! I went through this. I decided quite early on that I’d have to somehow get out as the abuse was severe and I could see which way it was heading. It was extremely complicated and took much longer than I’d ever wish on anyone else.
The pretending and doing stuff in secret feels so counter to everything you probably stand for. I was not a liar and I was an open person before I met my abuser. So keeping massive secrets screws with your mentality. I just kept focusing on the end result: safety and freedom.
Banana is right – the social housing bidding process is another thing to mentally deal with. I’d get my hopes up… and then not get anything.
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Yes me
I have been playing pretend for years sadly, however i have been offered houses and then turned them down as he was able to manipulate me into staying, i regret every house i have let go.
Now i have saved a significant amount of money secretly, I have a domestic violence support worker, on housing lists, have been and viewed private rentals, all without him knowing.
I have also enquired about a safe house, but i really dont want to go down that road. I am hoping and praying i can get a property soon and get out.
I am dealing with extreme emotional abuse, very very bad gas lighting, twisting everything i say, extreme hot and cold behaviour off him, name calling then being nice to me. (detail removed by Moderator) ill be honest, but today i feel stronger. I hate him so much, bit feel totally trapped.
I have (detail removed by Moderator) who i need to house and look after, im a (detail removed by Moderator) so no income really, but i know i cant stay.
Right here with you, do it all in secret, get a house, get the keys and go..
Ill sleep on the floor with my (detail removed by Moderator) if needs be xx -
Yes I did and during that time I worried it made me as bad as he was! I felt so guilty sneaking about. But how that changed – when I left and I saw him for the monster he really is and he continued his terror even after we fled. I did some things I didn’t want to but had to just so we could get out in one piece. I shared it with my IDVA who says it was safety planning and survival. She is right. Keep moving forwards safely x
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Yes, I lived a lie and lied to everyone we knew, I said I was going somewhere for a few days and I was coming back.
My plan was to go and not to come back… Emailed him when I was away.
I had to live a lie, not just to him but our muntual friends, I was like a ghost.
It was absolutly horrible, but I like what Watersprite put, it was: safety planning and survival.
The guilt and shame I felt were intense, but they go after a while when you go through everything, when you slowly break down the gravity of the situation you were in. When your in it you don’t realise how serious it is. After leaving, I feel like I spent half a year just surviving, getting through each day. I spent the next half year dealing with my PTSD, now thats alot better. After that, you start to realise what you went through, what’s left of yourself. I feel like an empty shell, I can’t remember the person I was. His brainwashing is still there. It is then time to re-build yourself and your life.
How can one man can damage you in such a huge way, how dare this ‘man’ take your life? To escape him safely, I would do anything and do it again 100 times. No regrets.
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Oh yes.
Im not leaving Im still here but I am trying to carve out a life one far away from the one I live with him. Work friends college and help. I see a counsellor he doesnt know, I go exercise with friends he doesnt know, I volunteer he doesnt know.
I wish for a better life. I have to lie or stay quiet to keep myself safe I guess to keep myself sane. I feel guilty each and every second of the day but I also know I need to do this for me. As you need to do this for you. He is the one that has hurt and abused you, he is the one to blame not you. You are doing what you can how and when you can for you and that sweetie is couragous and amazing be proud of what you are doing. Xxxxx
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