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Hello- it’s my first post on here and I’m so glad I found the forum. I’d really appreciate some support. I am unsure if difficulties I’ve had with my partner are my fault or due to him. I’m really unhappy. We’ve been together for (detail removed by modreator) years and we’ve both got children from our previous marriages. Early on, he was so attentive and made so much effort but occasionally I had the sense that I could upset him, e.g. by going out with friends when he wanted to see me. I thought he just liked me so much he was upset, and we didn’t have as much time together as we’d have wanted. From the outset I felt guilty often.
Fast forward to today – we live together (sooner than I would have wanted but he pushed for it) but I am a shell of who I used to be. I don’t know if he’s just highlighted my faults and he’s right or if I’m not in fact the problem . Some examples (I’ll try not to go on too long!) :
He used to physically hurt me by e.g pinning me to the bed and telling me he knew what I was like even though my friends think I’m nice. He has blocked my exits and mocked me for being scared and confused. The physical behaviour has ceased and he now takes pride in telling me how controlled he is.
He is negative about my children- they are quiet and the opposite to his. He feels they don’t give him enough attention. He doesn’t really talk to them now, and says he doesn’t like them being here when it has not been arranged e.g if one has to pop in for a school book.
He still dislikes me seeing friends, telling me that he just sits in his own when I’m out.
He says that my friends and family don’t talk to him. They are actually wary of him.
His mood changes often and I can feel anxious. I feel he whips me up to the point when I react ;run out of the house, shout back, cry) and then my reaction becomes the problem. He denies his moods and I feel like I’m going mad.
He has called me all manner of names when he’s angry. (Mad, l*****c, b***h).
I’ve never felt like this with anyone else in my like. I’m not perfect but until now people have liked me.
He says the house ( joint owned but used to be mine) is a dump and compared it constantly to what he used to have. Nothing is good enough. I work full time and can’t afford to do it all up.
I could go on. I don’t know what to do. I just need some clarity as to whether this is normal couple issues or not. I’m depressed and just so tired. Thank you for reading. -
hi there, he is abusive and it sounds like he can control himself so its pre-meditated behavior (or not as the case maybe when he wants to confuse you for example) this is what they do confuse us by behaving erratically. your family can see him for what he is and theyll want to look out for you and your kids. making you scared and blocking exits is really scarey its physical intimidation. hes shifting the goal posts in comparing the house so you have to work harder and harder to please him. you will be exhausted. you have to be so careful because he sounds like the type to push your children away from you – so he can get further control over u they isolate us and undermine us a s parents. have you read any books about dv yet? id contact womens aid its not just relationship issues its him trying to gain power over everyone xx love diymum
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He is definitely abusive. Lots of the things he does are illegal too. Try to ring the helpline number on here or ring you local women’s aid. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven to begin with. Depressed and tired comes from dealing with an abuser. Google Gaslighting. Cycle of abuse. My abuser was perfect in the beginning. That’s how they hook us in. Then the abuse creeps in slowly that we don’t recognise it. They twist everything we say. Change the goal posts. Nothing is ever good enough and we get wrapped up trying harder to please. Focussed on ourselves instead of his abusive dysfunctional behaviour. He moved quickly to trap you financially in the joint home. You may find the abuse is emotional, mental, physical, financial and often sexual. Depression, anxiety and feeling like a shell of your former self and very much associated with victims of abuse x
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There is no excuse for domestic abuse. He chooses to act they way he does. I’m assuming he doesn’t abuse you when there are witnesses? No wonder he doesn’t want people popping in unexpectedly. Abuse thrives on silence. Try to write down everything he has done to you and how this made you feel. I’m sure you will see a pattern emerge and it’s not your fault. You could be the most perfect partner and he will still find something to abuse you over x
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Thank you diymum. I feel so much calmer having your outside perspective. Funnily enough he’s said “it’s like you keep thinking I change the goalposts” and feels hurt by it. He must know on some level. My family and friends are worried about me. I have been hooked into his explanations of how difficult his dad was and the effects on him. I’ve always felt that he uses any angle to be the victim. Which always makes me the baddie. I haven’t read much on dv. It’s hard isn’t it, admitting that you’ve been taken in. I never thought it could happen to me. He’s a highly qualified professional, thought well of at work etc. But I suppose this dies happen?
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Thank you KIP. Again- you’ve also understood how I feel. I will write down the instances. You said that they twist everything we say- my goodness- I’ve felt this so often! I’ve even had a hearing test because I thought I couldn’t hear him correctly as me kept correcting me. Maybe I’m not going mad. I’m ashamed to say Ive evened questioned premature dementia – I’m (age removed by moderator)…… Thank you.
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yeh all the time, unfortunately they hide behind up-standing professions this is a form of ‘triangulation’ have a look on google. its part of hiding them true selve and getting back up from other people. the whole thing is crazy if you retaliate they roll over and play the victim. my daughter feels so sorry for her dad, shes grown up its all my fault for getting him away from us – i had no choice abuse is crippling you get to a point you just cant do it anymore but that can take time. reading about this helps you come to terms with this horrible type of dynamic. this is 100 % not your fault this is on him completely – the more you learn this will dawn on you xx the women on here are so brave and so supportive always here to listen 🙂 xx much love diymum
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Hi diymum and KIP. I be just looked up triangulation and n********m- oh good god. It’s him. KIP- I could show this to me GP. I’d like to start with someone external and then maybe my brother. I think up until now, I’ve wanted to give the impression that everything is ok. Make excuses hoping that one day he’ll change and everyone will be friends. Ridiculous isn’t it! Xxxxx
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It’s not ridiculous. It’s abuse. We all wanted a happy ever after. We all thought we had found our soulmates. It’s very sad that these men can behave this way. I wonder what his past relationships have been like? Usually these men are the same with all their partners. They often blame their exes. Making out they have been the victim in past relationships. Your GP and your brother will be shocked and instantly see the danger for you. We minimise the behaviour until it becomes normal to us but I can tell you what you’ve experienced is horrific abuse that would damage anyone’s mental health x imagine if a friend or sister or daughter told you they had been abused in this way, what would your reaction be? What advice would you give?
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Hi ParmaViolet,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you so much for your brave and honest post. I am so pleased that you have found the forum and are getting some good support here. Your partner sounds very abusive and I hope that you can try to find a safe time soon to phone the helpline for some advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid group by following this link – https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ for some ongoing support.
Please try to be mindful of the fact that your partner is abusive, he is choosing to be abusive to you to gain power and control over you and you have been really brave in recognising his behaviour and reaching out here. N********m can be seen as a personality issue and is separate to abuse. Focusing on trying to label his behaviour as ‘n**********c’ rather than abusive can be unhelpful, particularly when actually at this time you really need to focus on yourself and yours and your children’s well being. For now, just try to think of you and what you want and what would help you to achieve those things and we will do all we can to help you reach your goal.
Once again, welcome to the forum! I hope it is the first steps to a brighter future for you and your children.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Thank you all. I feel so different since posting and receiving your supportive comments. It’s given me a strength that I will certainly need. And I will contact the helpline. Can I just ask a question? My partner can sometimes be lovely (I’m wincing as I write that word!). He can shower me with presents, meals etc, saying that he notices me and what I need. Then he becomes upset that I don’t show him the same attention. (I’m busy- two jobs, kids, housework….). I’ve felt bad about it and keep failing him. So can abusers have a nice side? Is that why it’s so mind boggling? Xx
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if you google love bobing its part of the cycle of abuse – its to cofuse you and also to keep you – your probably feeling endebted to him when hes nice like you have to reciprocate xx you would be juggling so much if you tried to reciprocate this especially with daily life and responsibilities. they often keep us off our sleep too because we dont function so well and can feel irritable and ‘foggy’ x*x
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Google The Cycle of Abuse. If they were bad all the time we would just never stay. My ex seemed to know when I was at breaking point then turn things around and become Mr Nice, my soulmate again. The cycle usually works like we begin walking on eggshells, there’s a terrible atmosphere and things become very tense, then there’s often an explosion of abusive behaviour, followed by love bombing with gifts, attention affection. So we forget about his abusive outburst and think our soulmate has returned. Then the cycle goes on and on for decades sometimes. Mine was also jeckyl and Hyde. Changing in an instant. Keeping me anxious x if you contact women’s aid they are fantastic at explaining the dynamics x there’s also Lundy Bancroft book. Why does he do,that x
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Hi Parmaviolet,
I read your post and saw how similar your experience is to mine. You have had good advice from previous posts but what struck me was how anti he is to your children. My ex was like this with my kid and it got to the point where my kid never left the bedroom while ex was in house and I only saw/spoke to my kid when ex was out. We used to communicate by texting if ex was in house. It sounds ridiculous now but that’s how bad it got. My mental and physical health deteriorated before I left and last year my health was terrible. However it improved as soon as I left. Since leaving my kid has got depressed too(they are a young adult) and lacks confidence so the impact of this abuse took its toll on us both. I’d try to make preparations to leave as he is damaging your relationship with your children and it will impact on their mental health the longer you stay.
I stayed too long. We often do… -
Thank you Fudgecake. This has really hit home. My children do exactly the same. They stay in their rooms when he is here and when he is away or out, we relax and can have fun. When my son was younger he cried himself to sleep because my partner wouldn’t even look at him. I was confused at the time- and felt stuck and bewildered. I’m crying as I write this. I just thought it would get better and at one point, I even started thinking that my kids had the problem as my partner says ‘anyone would have a problem living with them’. I feel like our lives are slipping by and I just can’t let it happen any longer. Thank you. X*x
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Dear Parmerviolet
Just wanted to also send you strength for you situation. So sorry to hear you and your children are suffering this way; you have ben s brave to post your worries and reach out in his way.
I wont bamboozle with any more info,you lready have loads to think about and process, but mainly feeling the strength of supp0ort for you.
The dynamics of abuse, and n********m are separate things. So dont concern yourself with trying to look into that. Just fcus on the abuse and reaching out for the support and advice.
Above all, he will be very aware of any changes in your responses, which can put you at greater risk. Please keep your new found awareness under wraps and quietly go about your decisions and planning.
Did you actively pursue joining him in the ownership of your house, orhas that been part of the abuse? I mean, has he properly ‘bought into’ your house or just had his name added to the mortgage?
I would be quietlytaking some legal advice.
Do keep posting.
Warmest wishes
TS
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Hi ParmerViolet,
Welcome to the forum . I am so sorry you have been through all this abuse. Everyone here will give you lots of support
The Duluth Power and Control wheel is a good diagram which names the types of abuse. I like the Equality wheel too because it reminds me of loving and healthy behaviours in a relationship, which we lose sight of after years of abuse. Not that I’m going down that path- too early for me !
Be careful and discrete as you gather knowledge. He might act very nicely (will be shortlived ) to confuse you or get info from you, and could become very abusive if he thinks you may leave. He could get physical or try to financially cripple you.
As loving empathetic women it’s hard for us to accept how nasty they could get, and cos of the abuse we often minimise.Talk to WA to help keep You and the children safe. Definitely get legal advice too.
Keep reaching out.
Apricotpoppy ♥️ -
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Thank you TS and Apricotpoppy. Your support is so valuable. TS- he wanted to join me in the mortgage deeds and does pay into the mortgage. However he begrudges how much he pays ‘for living in a dump in and area which he doesn’t like’ (it’s middle class suburbia- not quite the rural idyll he came from). He has also insisted that he gets his money from the sale of the house at any point as he was the one ‘taking the risk’. So, if the house sells for less than expected (he has insisted that if it is ever sold we take the best offer within the first 4 months- I think to impact me as he earns much much more anyway), I would be worse off as he would take his money out from any equity first. I think I do need legal advice. The mite I’ve shared on this wonderful forum, the more I can see his unreasonable behaviour. 😞 x*x
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Telling you he gets his money first and the house is sold in 4 months is a veiled threat designed to keep you under his control. Who’s going to end a relationship when they know in 4 months they and their children will be homeless. What a dreadful thing to say when you’re buying a home together. Was there a written legal contract? My ex tapped his new partner very quickly buying a home together. She had several kids, already had a home for them but they took a huge mortgage together. She’s going nowhere now.
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palmer violet – i just wanted to say the word i used enabler i actually meant empath – my understanding of this is that its someone who has compassion (im only just learning about this stuff too!)xx really hope this didnt offend and gave me food for thought as i gues i shouldnt label someone xx much love diymum
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Hi KIP. I felt at the time I was being railroaded and it was confusing and unfair. No legal contract but he has reminded me it was a verbal agreement. I don’t remember agreeing to it, just listening with my mouth open…. He was very persuasive in trying to convince me that he had given up so much for me (his house, the location, and his friends – if indeed he ever had any). So that made it fair in his head. It’s so screwed up. I have made an appt to see a solicitor. When he is at work so no trace. Xxxx
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Start keeping as much documentation as you can. Bank statements etc. When push comes to shove the court will want to see documented evidence. Most solicitors offer free initial advice but you can get free advice from Rights of Women. (England) Check out their website. Or the Scottish Womens Rights centre offer free legal advice x
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Yes, thats my point exactly…he jut started paying on a mortgage that you had already established equity in. That equity he is not entitled to, and you made more payments than him. It doesnt stack up, just ‘joining’ someones established mortgage. There needs to be a calculation to take account of value of property when you/he started paying to ensre yur thousands of pounds more in payments prior to him joining,plus equity.
Warmest wishes
TS -
‘Empath’ – we’re just regular women who are deceived and emotionaly blackmailed. We are kind and caring and struggling to live with someone so extreme. That doesnt make us ’empaths’, just manipulated and abused. This isnt your fault, you dont play a part you are abused is all
These abusers use and abuse people with genuine consideration and care for others.
Their fault, not yours.
Warmest wishes
TS
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Please tell your solicitor about his abuse. They need to know what they’re up against. Or find one that has experience of abusers. It will save you a fortune in the long run. If you decide to end things you’re going to need a solicitor that can take charge. Put time limits on responses but I fear you may eventually need to take him to court to force the sale or he will try to walk away and leave you with nothing. I hope it doesn’t come to that. It’s so important that you document everything. Even a journal that can be used if needed. Get to your GP and tell them. Again it’s important someone of that kind of professional level is aware and documents things.
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