- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I just wanted to see if I could have some feedback about my second ex. I am not sure if he was abusive or not or if I was over reacting in view of my previous relationship. He was very nice to me at the start and he seemed so different from my first ex. He listened he walked beside me(the first one used to walk in front of me and berated me for not being able to walk faster as I have a disability), he was kind considerate. However he was very close to this married couple and liked to spend lots of time with them and their children. His son and their son were friends. My second ex had been on his own for a good few years. They cooked him meals and he helped with an elderly member of their family. No problems so far, until you factor in the married woman. He talked about the couple non stop how great they were but it seemed to me he would mention the woman all the time. He would take her shopping, pick her up and take her home from work, take her to work in the morning, pick her kids up from their grandparents and from school. (Detail removed by moderator) He mentioned what she wore how she didn’t need to lose weight when her husband had said she shouldn’t eat desert. She was very pretty and younger than me but she wasn’t very friendly she was quite loud and I didn’t feel comfortable in her presence. He would dry their clothes because her husband did not want her to have a drier because it was too expensive. I can understand them all being close and helping each other out like a family but to me it seemed excessive too close a bit weird. Maybe it just me I am so confused by it all. When we first got together we picked her up from work.She got in the car and I said hello, she did not reply she just sat there glowering. I was in the front. We went to a shop to get me some flowers for my birthday, while he was out of the car she said they couldn’t do without him and he was a gentle giant. The next day he took her shopping and she said she had seen some flowers like the ones her mother had liked, but had not money left. He bought her flowers. The elderly relative had back pain. She gave her (detail removed by moderator) to my ex to give to the relative. Every day,literally, she would phone for my ex to take her somewhere or to do a job for her. she rang three times in half an hour until she got him to go and help her. She did that twice ringing three times in half an hour asking him how long would he be. We were being intimate once and had been trying to sort out a row because of her and she rang and he went to help her. One evening she came to the house just as we were going to have a cuddle so she could collect her drying and my face must have given me away because she came in all guns blazing shouting what is all that about. He couldn’t see anything wrong in her behaviour he defended her all the time. I can understand that they may have acted like this for years but now he had a girlfriend surely she should have backed off. She had (detail removed by moderator) but it was always my ex who had to help her. She cut his hair twice in a few months. I feel it was just so she could find reasons to limit our time together. He defended her. He took me for a medical appointment and (detail removed by moderator) she was suddenly ill and had to go to the emergency room and of course he had to take her. He spent all evening there. The next day she wanted him to collect a family member, and the day after that he had to take the family member back. I never saw him the whole weekend. We were out once and she rang asking him to pick her up (detail removed by moderator). I said to him can you not help them on certain days he said it doesn’t work like that. We only saw each other on certain days but eventually even on these days she was ringing wanting something. I was beside myself with frustration, I didn’t mind him helping but not to this extent/.I said do you fancy her he said no and laughed and I said does she fancy you and he said I don’t think so. We ended up rowing every time we met because of her. I couldn’t get through to him he said why couldn’t he help them.He wanted me to hang around with them but I just didn’t feel comfortable with her, she was a bit snide with me a couple of times. I don’t understand this at all maybe its me. He wouldn’t have anything said against her. please help with some insight.
I wanted to add that he told her about me getting upset and she said,” she thinks I am stalking her”. They thought it was funny. He used to tell them where we went and what we did. he said he used to delete his texts at the end of each day. One time he had dropped me off at my house so I could get something and he was waiting for me in the car, while he was waiting he was texting her. He wanted me to go and watch a show with them I said I didn’t want to because there was nowhere for me to sit down.He said my limited mobility missus(he knew my first ex had tormented me because of my disability). The real reason was because I did not feel comfortable with her. I was very self conscious about my disability because of my first partner and I said to the second ex why did he want to go out with me when I couldn’t walk. He said it was so I wouldn’t run away. He came with me to a benefit appointment when I offered to go with him to something similar he said we would get wet in the rain if I came. One day we had been lying on the sofa together, the next time I saw his son, the son made a point of lying on the sofa and looking at me. Once I was trying to cuddle up to my ex and he was sitting at an angle and I couldn’t get to him so I was shuffling about. I later asked him if he wanted to go to the (detail removed by moderator), he said no because I would only shuffle about. I wonder if he started being nasty to me because I argued with him about the female friend. Maybe I should have kept quiet about it all, maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill?
One day we went for a drive in the country. He drove really fast along a particular piece of road. I never said anything. He said when he drove there with a previous ex she was screaming at him to slow down. During that trip a (detail removed by moderator) ran across the road. It might be just my imagination but I could have sworn he speeded up and he ended up killing it. Another time an old man on a scooter could not get passed on a pavement due to a large fallen branch and he would not stop to help
-
Things came to a head one night when he cancelled plans with me and I blew up saying they came first. I said do you want to call it a day I didn’t mean it I was just frustrated. He said yes. I begged him to reconsider. He shut the door in my face wouldn’t answer phone calls letters texts, ignored me in the street. The reason he cancelled plans was because the elderly relative was ill but he wouldn’t discuss it or accept my apology for me being mad. The elderly relative later died so you can imagine how awful I felt but he said it was my reaction to people that caused the end of the relationship. I didn’t like her she was intruding on our time together and she was deliberately making up reasons for him to help her. I didn’t know this time the reason was real. When his son came home from school he would go into an aggressive sulk when I was there. My mother was recently widowed my father had just died and she used to make it plain she didn’t like my ex and used to go mad if I tried to spend time with him. She was horrible to him on his birthday when we were all out for a meal, so the whole situation was volatile to say the least and I felt I was getting it from all angles, my dad, my mother her and him. Please help- was it my fault and why wouldn’t he see what she was like and why wouldn’t he discuss anything?
-
Hi there Purple Hair,
I think it sounds like a very difficult relationship where it’s almost like there were three of you in it. I can see why you felt she came first, because what you are describing is a partner who dropped everything for her no matter what. I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that either and would also have spoken up about the inappropriateness of it. When you are in a relationship, a good loving relationship, you put each other first. Of course there should be room for friends, family, interests, hobbies etc, but you can’t go running to another person all the time who seems incapable of doing anything herself. Why was her own husband not helping her? I can understand why you felt bad when the relative ended up dying but you could not have known that, you were only trying to establish a boundary. A couple needs alone time, you & me time, and it sounds like she would be disturbing this. It also sounds odd that he would be deleting texts every day, it’s this behaviour of hiding things that makes you wonder why if it’s so innocent. I am not sure if this is abusive, but it’s certainly a man who was very codependent on another woman and it sounds like in the end he also chose her. I’m not really sure what would make them develop such a codependent relationship in the first place, but perhaps there is more to the marriage she had than we know. In any event, I don’t think you were unreasonable in trying to establish boundaries so that you and your partner could have your own time not be disturbed by her constantly.
Some of the put downs he made do sound abusive though, using your disability against you knowing that this was something your ex had done too is awful behaviour. I’m just all around getting a bad taste in my mouth reading about this relationship so perhaps this is a kind of abuse I do not know a lot about and someone else will be better suited to put that into words for us. No matter what though, it doesn’t sound like a good relationship and you did not deserve to be treated as if you were the third wheel in your own relationship. I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful in figuring it out for you, but I just wanted to show you some support and let you know that you didn’t do anything wrong in not keeping your mouth shut about how she made you feel. Establishing boundaries is healthy and relationships do require alone time, but it just sounds like they were so dependent on each other that they couldn’t even entertain the idea that she take a little step back to give you two that space.
-
Always Sorry, Thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to read my post and for replying in such depth. I really appreciate it. It is such a relief to get it all out.No one in the real world really understands what it is like do they? I have been tormented by this every day for a long long time. I haven’t slept much in over two years, I have nightmares and I am constantly replying what happened over and over again. I am torturing myself about it. When the breakup first happened it was such a shock he was so awful and so unreasonable I felt like I was falling, I felt like I was dying, I couldn’t understand it all. Nothing made sense and I was worried about him being on his own and the thought that he was so lonely he let them, especially her, use him like that. I felt guilty I wasn’t more understanding because he needed them. I was horrible about her and about his whole belief system and life. I kept thinking he had depression and he didn’t need me pointing out his only friends weren’t genuine.Who wants to face that? Also I hated her for ruining my relationship and I hated myself for playing into her hands by reacting. I felt she was playing some sort of game, and was on some sort of power trip, like she was marking her territory. He kept denying anything was wrong which was even more mind bending. All I wanted was my boyfriend and to enjoy a new relationship with someone I had liked for years. I didn’t want all of this weird competition. I felt as if I was totally alone. I didn’t dare confront her because she was very aggressive and unstable and I was scared to talk to her husband because what if I was wrong? Also I didn’t want my ex to lose his friends. I am so confused and conflicted still even after all this time. It does help that you say I wasn’t unreasonable in wanting boundaries and that it was inappropriate. You are right about her seeming unable to do anything by herself. She wasn’t a young girl, she was (detail removed by moderator) So it was weird. And I did wonder about her husband. I wonder if there was a domestic abuse situation there. It is so frustrating we could have had a nice relationship but she spoiled it all and he has twisted it so I am the evil one. I am being blamed for his and her behaviour. The whole situation has made me ill, much worse than during my first relationship which went on for far longer. It seemed worse this time and I found myself missing my first ex because even though he was horrible at least he did sometimes show me love. The second didn’t I don’t think but I was absolutely besotted with him ,maybe it was a shock because he was so nice and seemed so different at first and I trusted him and relaxed. The two of them have destroyed me.
-
-
Hi Blue eyes,
It’s great you posted for support. Other people’s behavior can be so confusing and baffling and it’s normal to want to make sense of it. Please keep reading and posting as you need and eventually the threesome dynamic in your relationship will become clear and make sense. Just keep reading the posts.
My take on the situation you describe is he was triangulating you with this woman. That’s why you felt and still continue to feel so awful. Being triangulated with another person would make anyone rejected; less than. As Always Sorry says you were the third person in the relationship. In an intimate partner relationship there is 2 people. However abusers triangulate and bring a third person into the relationship.
Abusers can use different people to triangulate another person with. For example; my friends’s abuser dad put her in a pedestal and held her up and compared her to her mum (whom the abuser dad was hurting whichever way he could because he felt good when the mum was in distress).
My abuser boss triangulates staff members with each other. Praises and subtly commends certain staff members to other staff so the ones being compared feel bad about themselves and will work harder when they are already pushed to their limits.
Abusers probably go by the saying “Treat them mean, keep them keen.”
The confusion you feel is because he was using the push/pull; nasty/nice; abusive/crumb of comfort dynamic.
It’s all very confusing but read the posts daily and you’ll see the Wood for the trees in the dynamic that was going on with your ex and the other woman.
Imo your ex was getting a high from your hurt, distress and confusion. He, (like the abusers all us ladies on here have had to deal with) found an easy way to hurt you was by bringing this woman into the relationship he had with you and putting her first before you and then dismissing your concerns and yet again putting the OW first. No wonder you felt so rubbish.
The OW’s attitude and your ex’s son’s body language towards you sounds like they were taking on your ex’s disrespectful way towards you. They were mimicking your ex.
My abusive ex spoke badly about me to my children and his family and mutual friends. Then after he had been brainwashing them against me they would be different towards me in a negative way. Not all people can be taken in but most are; usually people who allow themselves to be swayed by another’s negative talk about another.
Hope you will feel a bit better as you gain more knowledge about abusers and their tactics.
-
Agree with the ladies above. If you were uncomfortable with his closeness to this woman / couple and said that to him, any man worth his salt would have seen his behavior was hurtful to his partner and toned it down. I would have been exactly the same as you. I caught my husband sending numerous lovey dovey messages to women he claimed were just friends. He knew I didn’t like it and I warned him it would result in our relationship deteriorating. He never listened and here I am (other things led to the eventual split but other women “in” our marriage certainly didn’t help!). Always go with your gut instinct. You’re well out of it in my opinion. You deserve better. Well done for coming here fo support and help xx
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
