Please does anyone have any advice

[bluespiderlegs]

Hi,

I am struggling and I really can’t see a way out. Long story short (or as short as possible), I have been married for (detail removed by moderator) to a man who is abusive. Things have come to a head big time lately because he is having yet another affair, but this one is more serious. She is fuelling him and wants me out so he is at his worst at the moment.

I would go to a shelter or something but there are two reasons why I would really really struggle to do so. I have a dog with attachment issues. I know that some people reading this will look down on me for taking the dog into consideration, but she is all I have and we both need each other. The other issue I have is that I have mental health issues and I am disabled. I am (detail removed by moderator) and rarely leave the house at all. The thought of moving literally brings on an actual panic attack.

I live in a council property (joint tenancy). I have no chance of getting any help from the council because the woman having an affair with him is (detail removed by moderator) (I literally could not make this up!). She has told me that she will (detail removed by moderator). I really don’t know why she hates me so much, she does not even know me.

If anyone has any ideas, I would be grateful.

[Intr0vert]

If he wants to run off and have an affair with his mistress, he should leave to be with her. Is he physically abusive towards you? If you feel like you have nowhere to go and this is the end of your marriage, you need to go to the police. This will be the start of removing him from your life. If he has a mistress and is mistreating you now, he may be more than happy to go. Wishing you all the best and I hope you will be ok in time x

[swanlake]

That’s a dreadful situation. I agree that the police could be helpful. I think that they can deal with things like non molestation orders etc to keep your husband away from the property.
Also you might be able to contact someone higher up in the council as (detail removed by Moderator).
I keep seeing an advert on television for foster homes for pets whilst their humans are in refuges so it is absolutely valid for you to be attached to your dog.
I guess that your husband’s mistress might be under his control hence her hostility towards you.
I’m disabled and a carer and it’s even more disgusting that people can abuse us and take advantage of our disabilities.

[bluespiderlegs]

Thank you for your kind replies. I am not ignoring this post I am popping on here when he is not about, so I am coming on here now and then.

I have held back from contacting the police because part of me worries. He comes across as such an nice (and calm) man. A few years ago he was really nasty to me (detail removed by moderator) He tells anyone that will listen that I have mental health issues. I do suffer from depression and take anti-depressants, but I am not out of my mind as he calls it.

I think that one of the reasons she is promoting him getting me to leave is that we have quite a nice house. (detail removed by moderator) openly says that she can’t wait to move in to my home. I know a lot of this because one day I overheard a phone call between them.

[Polardog]

Sorry that you are going through this. I completely understand your desire to keep your dog. I got so worried about losing my dogs it held me back a lot. Please know that police officers will not judge you on mental health. They are much more educated in that department these days and their role is to protect and serve and so talking to them may well be the best thing you can do – even if you don’t press charges immediately they can link you up with support services who can advise you on how best to deal with the situation AND they may even know of services that will support you in keeping your dog with you too. You’ve got this.

[Bananaboat]

(detail removed by Moderator)

Suffering domestic abuse is potential grounds for homelessness support via the council, could your local citizens advice help with an application in the circumstances? What about getting a dv supporter via womansaid? If he’s a joint tenant then might be worth checking the tenancy agreement because my local council prohibits abusers from remaining in a property.

Why is she doing this? Because he’s love bombing her and feeding her a pack of lies about you. They are master manipulators and he’s got 2 women fulfilling all his needs, and they won’t work together to stop him because he’s made you hate each other.

[Galabeee]

I am so sorry you are going through this , I have recently left (with the dogs!) and probably stayed much longer than I would have as a result of not wanting to leave them…
The dogs trust do have advice and foster places (you may not want to consider this but just knowing it was there helped https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/how-we-help/ownership/freedom-project)

Do you have any support IRL? …have you, or could you , contact women’s aid? They will know/ see all the time about how “nice” people can seem (compared to how they treat you in private) .

Keep talking and reaching out
x

[swanlake]

I have mental health issues and other issues and feel that I can come across as aggressive when I’m having a meltdown. The police have always been good with me in an in person situation and want to protect vulnerable people. They have more training now on what’s a meltdown or a panic attack and what’s anger. And on how nice abusers can seem.

[bluespiderlegs]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I am only just back on here now because he is not in and I can use the computer alone.

At the moment he has gone back to his loving and caring mode. This time though I really can not sit back and ignore the bigger picture, so I am looking into the suggestions you ladies have made. I have also spoken to my family. I did not go into much detail, but I have hinted that there might be a rough time ahead.

[Galabeee]

I’m so glad you were able to speak with family and I hope that they were supportive (or at least not unsupportive – I have found that some people in my life have tried to put this in the box of “times all relationships go through” which isn’t very helpful) ..
Keep talking, if you get a chance to use the computer when he is out (or have a phone with data? ) the women’s aid chat can be a lifesaver too .
It can be so hard to leave when they seem back to “loving” mode – I did …. it nearly stopped me so many times but I HAD to get out (for my own sanity/self as much as anything else)

[bluespiderlegs]

thank you. It is so nice to have other people understand my situation. He is still in full on loving mode, but I am not going to back down this time. I am going along with it because life is so much nicer when he is not being aggressive. I am still making plans to go though.
xx

[StrongLife]

I understand about your pets. They are good company and in the mix of all of things can bring a bright spark to your day.

I have inquired into the pets foster places and for where I am they only keep the pet a certain number of months etc. I did not like the sound of that myself. Inquire further on that to see if it is for you in your area. It does take a long time to get back on ones feet afterward.

[Author]

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