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Please don’t judge me for all I’m about to say but I need to say it all.
I’d be here all day listing all the stuff he’s done but some of you already know.
We were going to counseling until last week and things were good but suddenly things took a turn for the worse. I don’t know why. Then I found out I’m pregnant again. My babies only (detail removed by Moderator) weeks old. This wasn’t planned- we were careful!
So I’m left with this heart braking decision- I can’t bring another baby into this. I can’t potentially be a single mum to three children.
Ok so i book a termination that’s booked for (detail removed by Moderator) and Im currently in emotional turmoil. I want to scream, shout, tare myself and my house apart but I can’t because I have to keep it together for the sake of my children… Then he comes home from work and he’s smoking again. I could normally handle this… I normally don’t dare question him but now I can’t bottle it up. We’ve argued he’s told me it’s over, I’ve begged him to stay. He stays. Then he says he’s going to the shop to get beers. And I think brilliant, he’l get drunk, I’ll be left looking after the kids while he’s hung over and for f**k sake I want a brake!!! So I tell him and the same thing happens again.
And then this morning…. He tells me he’s going to (detail removed by Moderator) at an event at the (detail removed by Moderator)… This was something he promised me he wouldn’t do any more- something he had decided he didn’t want to do anymore because when he goes- he’s involved in drugs. Then afterwards he’s depressed for weeks and his family should come first. This was a choice he’d made yet when he goes back on his word and I’m angry- he tells me I make his life hell. That he’s sick of it and it’s over- gain!!
Why can’t he see he’s adding so much pressure on me when I dont need it! So I told him he’s made his choice between events and his family. That’s how I feel- it’s us or them…. I hate that world and he said he did too. I don’t want drugs even remotely around my children. I don’t want him around them when he’s on them but of corse he promises he’s not taking drugs!!! I don’t believe him for one single second!!! And why should I turn a blind eye at his lies. -
And now on (detail removed by Moderator) I’m going to have to go alone. It’s (detail removed by Moderator) hours travel from where I live. My mum will have to look after my children and I’m not allowed to drive afterwards. The only thing I can think of doing is booking into a hotel afterwards. I have no family to ask and the only friend id trust or want with me is still breast feeding her son so not able to leave him
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Oh Starmoon , sending you a big hug, no one will judge you on here. But please please consider if this is going to be the best thing, so many Women suffer so much after an abortion, for the rest of their lives they suffer so much mentally and with guilt. Please look at this and think how it may make you feel even worse, I ma only thinking of you and the effect it will have on your future.
I understand that it may all seem immposible now are you in turmoil because you are unsure.
I wonder if there are any ladies on here that have any experience of this that can advise you. xx -
Big big hugs x*x what an awful position to be in. I my daughter found out she was pregnant I said to her she had three chooses, keep it, put it up for adoption or an abortion. Because what ever she did she have to live with for the rest of her life. Have you any one you can talk it over with? I wish you all the best in the world xx
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Ok, let’s look at this situation. U understand this is abuse, yes?
U understand at some point there will come a time where you have to get out of this, yes? Or are you still clinging to the thought he will change? I’m not judging, I’ve been where u are now. The drink and drug scene, the promise not to go there, the using it as an excuse to do as they want then telling u this is not the real person they are, but you can help them get there. You’ve already said u have children. I know what the other ladies are saying about the long term effects of a termination but as a mother of three, someone who has also had horrible late miscarriages I have also once found myself in a position where I had to have a termination. I deeply regret that it had to be done and feel huge guilt but I don’t regret doing it as it had to be done and would not have been a good outcome for my baby. Is it the thought of the termination that is making u feel desperate or the situation with your partner? I’m guessing it’s the situation with your partner…I could be wrong. Is having a baby right now going to put you in the strongest position to deal with your partner and protect the children you have? Only you can answer but if it was me then I know I’d be putting the children I have first….judge me all you like anyone. You are in hell right now. Ask Womans aid for advocacy support. (Removed by moderator), I don’t know where you live but many areas have agencies that are specifically to help woman go through these decisions and help them with whatever they decide. Don’t limit your choices and put added stress on yourself. talk to your gp. Explain u need an overnight appointment and why. It can be done I’ve worked with people who have done it. If that’s what you decide. I’m not persuading u either way but I got through it. Don’t do anything that limits your choices. Sending u love and hugs and strength. If u want to private message me feel free. If u need more chat from domeone that’s been through it. Xxxx -
Thank you, I’ve also had a hugely complicated late miscarriage where (detail removed by moderator)and nearly died in the process. I guess you won’t be surprised to hear that he left me and ended it with me in the middle of all that after he (possibly) provoked situations and made me feel I was impossible to be with. I feel he may have staged the argument today so that he had an excuse to leave again… Maybe he truly knew how it would effect me… Or maybe he’s just stupid. The night before he had said he was leaving and it was over because I had objected to him going to buy beer. The reason I didn’t want him doing that is because he ‘always’ drinks when he doesn’t have work the next day, he always gets drunk and then at the very least has a head ache the next day, at worst (often) he’s throwing up in the bin and not able to get out of bed until mid day. For years I have never once moaned at this and always always get up with the children but just once- considering what I’m going threw, I wanted him to be strate headed and to be fit to help me in the morning. He gave me no opportunity to voice this and just hit the roof when I merely suggested I’d rather he didn’t drink. He tells me if I spoke to him rather than make assumptions- he’d respect what I’m saying. But he never gives me the chance to say anything. And then he leaves. The situation with him is what I’m most desperate about… I went into more detail on another post about how my mental state (which may be down to him if he really is an abuser) won’t survive going threw with another pregnant. There is no denying that if I was in a loving happy relationship that things would be different…but I’m clearly not in one x
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Star moon it’s your life and your decision. Don’t listen to people. You have choice. If this is what you think is best for you – and reading your story makes me understand your reasons very clearly. Remember no one has any right to judge you on this and as we all know sometimes we have to make hard choices in our lives.
I hope you will take care of yourself afterwards, but don’t expect your partner to stop acting the way he acts. There’s no chance. He’s comfortable, he can do what he wants like a spoiled kid. I had little help from my daughter’s dad. He would go out and drink, leave me alone at home, isolated, in a non familiar city. I knew he wouldn’t change. I just waited for a good moment or a good reason. I left him. What is happening on your life is terrible but once again This Is Your Life! Your choice to be with a drinking, drug taking guy who doesn’t care about a family. I don’t want to sound harsh or anything, I know where you are and I’ve been there as well.
Now I’m a single mum and I’m very proud of it even if it’s so hard at times 🙂 I’m hugging you and wishing you only good decisions! -
Oh I just read the part where you say, that he told you if you’d say it differently then he would respect that.. he’s manipulative, I heard that as well in my life. He wants you to feel insecure with what you say and how you say it. He’s taking away your self confidence. Don’t let him. It’s obvious that when you are pregnant you want your man to help you. Reminds me of my own sad pregnancy .. not many good memories from that time because of his drinking. He was frustrated because I was working almost whole pregnancy and he couldn’t find a normal job. But was that a reason to drink like crazy? Makes me sad whenever I think about it. He pushed me once when I was in late pregnancy when I told him to stop drinking. So it started evolving from mental into physical. I was so helpless back then, so small. But I did it and I’m free now..
Once again I wish you only good decisions,,stay safe and strong – your children and yourself are worth it. -
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/The_Con/gaslighting.html please read this
It’s what he’s doing.
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