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Been in relationship many years did not realise I was being abused after educating muddying now realise it’s been happening a long time .but I’m now noticing things with the kids after doing extensive research not physical but emotional.I didn’t even realise and I’ve let some things happen.
Few examples
Son never allowed to have hair style he wanted
Daughter always has to look a certain way especially hair.not allowed accessoriesThere opinions don’t matter
I want to see if there is anything else I should lookout for and anyone else’s experience.
I know there’s nothing physical. -
Hey Mellow, my husband used to favour our daughter over our son, he did it obviously too… our son then fought for his father’s affection.
Mine would also treat whichever child went out with him.. he sort of paid them for their company… buy them gifts, take them for lunch.. only if they went with him. The child who didn’t go got nothing. He would also blame me, infront of our children, for everything. He wouldn’t do anything in our home because I am too messy or kids in the way so he would only do something if I was home clearing and keeping kids out of his way.
Now he has gone, my children are teens, they also see the abuse (there was obviously abuse against me but your question was about the children). Both my children are on a wait list for trauma counselling… they saw and remember so much, even though I thought I protected them from it.
He also used the children and other family members to bad mouth me as he went into victim mode (he was such a good actor at that role!).
I hope that helps (I have Aspergers and do not always explain things clearly).
❤️
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Hi Mellow
its an upsetting realisation for you/us that the children are coming to harm from their father as well as us. Its a brave thing to open your eyes to, but please keep in mind that its him, and his fault, you are not doing this/making it worse/enabling it, or any of those victim-blaming things. This is entirely on him.
When he abuses you, and your children see this, its abuse on them too, because inside it will cause them huge distress and in their minds they have to find ways of coping with watching the mother they love being hurt, repeatedly, controlled repeatedly, this will affect the way they behave and how they manage their emotions, and develop strategies for coping and living/surviving also under it.
If he calls you names to them for instance, or undermines your character to them, seeks to undermine your parenting role as mother to them, or denegrate you in any way.
If he uses them as pawns to emotionally blackmail.
Children can be very frightened without actual physical contact, seeing him throw things, smash and break things, lose his temper and rage about things. We are in control of our children as they are our responsibility, but should be given every freedom they can be extended, and this would include not being forced to have a specific hairstyle, if it makes them continually uncomfortable. There may be limits, like hairdressers can be expensive for some families and children have to wear the clothes families can afford, but if these things are just done for controlling purposes only, it is abusive.
Ignoring the childs needs, like keeping them up late at night and not recognising their need for age appropriate hours of sleep, for instance, or not supply regular food, you know, basic parenting to provide consistent and predictable care.
There are many ways, many, that abuse can manifest for children, including, schooling, medical appts, welfare visits, play opportunities. so much.
Have a think and maybe post more that you think could be abuse. Also keep a note of them, of incidents.
warmest wishes
ts
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also, do you know for sure that your children would tell you if he was physical with them when you were not around? Do they want to stay around you, not be left alone with their father? This was a sign that I missed that the children didnt want to be left alone with him, or be in his sole care anywhere. Was a lot worse if they were ill and eventually did say things like they weren’t comfortable around him, but were very young at the time and that he never looked after them when they were ill, some of which were quite serious.
Violence is not just hitting. Its dragging, lifting by an arm, holding them in unsafe ways, shaking, pinning down, shouting in their faces is threat of physical violence, throwing them, pushing, shoving, poking. there are many ways that will often go under the radar.
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I think favouritism happens I can’t say why because it might identify me but the hairstyle was because he essentially wanted him to be a clone of himself.
And I’ve noticed things like not buying for everyone but I just put that down to saving money like but another thing what happens I say no and he says yes perhaps to buying something in a shop or child says she wants something playing up and he buys it regardless of price other child dosent get and knows she’s played up for it.other child dosent seem bothered but it is unfair.another thing family members only puts certain children pictures up and noticing it in family not asking to speak to all children or forgetting about one not always but on occasions.eldest is never asked about ever!like he dosent exist! -
He’s said he would take them away abroad with family they don’t know and child said they don’t want to leave me but he always pressures them and says that they do want it when they don’t and get other people to do their hair when I always do it and child dosent want it cause other people hurt when they do hair.
I don’t think done anything physical to them but I’m very weary .
He shouts at me in front of them and I can see it’s uncomfortable my child.Other day I lent something of a friend didn’t say who but he found out trying to take back control he came home shouting and shaking the item and saying that I’m a beggar and begging for things when it was given to me as friendship because I begged for mine replaced but wanted him to take responsibility for it
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Hi Mellow
I’ve already replied twice but my posts seem to vanish into thin air sometimes. 🤔
Have you ever read “The Games People Play.”?
It’s sold as a psychology book rather than a book about abuse but it was the first book I ever read that reflected the behaviours of my abusive mother. Might be worth a look.
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My ex had a favourite child (not my children, with his ex wife) and he openly admitted it to me shortly after we met. I remember him saying everyone had a favourite child which I always remember thinking was odd. He also had a least favourite child, and was also equally open about that. I’m pretty sure she also knew she was the least favourite…poor little thing.
He was a very strict parent, liked things to be perfect and for the children to obey his orders. If they didn’t, he would get angry, would shout at them unnecessarily, and occasionally break their toys.
He would also use them to emotionally blackmail me. The children were one of the main reasons I stayed with him for so long.
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