Please help

[Starmoon]

I cant go on like this anymore. I feel so lost. I’m angry all the time, angry at the world, everyone and mostly myslef. Inside my head is a whirl wind of unanswered questions… what did I do wrong, what made him leave me. I’ve lost myself totally, i dont know what’s acceptable, wjere I went wrong or what I did to deserve ant y of this. It’s been months since he left me.. and I am no closer to feeling better. I had to get rid of the baby we planned because I couldn’t cope alone with another child, i had to try and build my life back up again yet he’s moved on. Met some one new, got a new job… just basically a stable and happy person, yet I’m having mental brake downs on a daily basis. Im arguing with my parents constantly… I’m shouting and angry with them when I have to deal with some thing in regards to him. I cant help panicking about things and then venting to my mum… he’s stopped contact with the children (sorry if im not allowed to put that) so I’m terrified what his next move will be. At the moment frankly he honestly would be the more stable parent yet he’s hardly done any actual parenting and never had either of them for more than an hour without someone there to help him. He’s been physically abusive and possibly even sexually abusive although I’m not completely sure. Recently I’ve been losing myself more and more.
Again argued with my mum as I was desperately trying to get some counselling and help for how I feel but as I’m sure most of you know- its almost impossible on the nhs. The whole argument resulted in her telling me that I’ve put far too much pressure on her and my dad and I’m making them Ill… of course this compounds my self hatred..I thought it was slightly resolved, a
Then a few hours later I needed to ask them to help me out with child care and school collections but I was terrified of rocking the boat due since the argument before
. Aparently I worded things badly and ended up in yet another battle with my dad… he just sealed off loads about how I clearly enjoy all the drama, how I enjoy arguing, and topped it off by saying even a rape victim wouldn’t behave how I do… I tried to argue that I felt like a rape victim, that what id been threw was just as bad but he was disgusted that I compared myself to one like this. I really did lose my head over this… my ex was physically and emotionally abusive and it lasted years and years… he then said I was only like this ‘because your boyfriend dumped you’…. I really didn’t know what to do… I ran off down the road and sat on a bench in the rain crying….

[Anabela]

Hello. I am so sorry you are feeling like this and want to show you support and that I can understand these feelings. It’s hard for other people who haven’t been through this to understand. That includes our parents too. And it is painful when they react like that and put even more pressure on you as if you have not had enough already. I also felt that my parents reactions put too much pressure on me and I was scratching myself because of yet another argument with my mum regarding him.
What your dad said to you is very insensitive. And I am sure you don’t enjoy all the drama, because who would. You have been through so much. On top of everything aborting a child you planned must have been a very painful decision to make. I wish I could give you a hug.
I understand it makes things harder that he was the one to leave. But he was verbally and physically abusive. He was a bully. And even if he is moving on, he would not change his character or at least it is very unlikely. And even if he met someone new I am sure sooner or later he will be a bully to her too. Because that is who he is.
You have not done anything wrong to make him leave you. Please don’t be angry at yourself. Be kind to yourself because feeling like that is normal after abusive relationship. I hope you will manage to get a good therapist soon.
Stay strong and be kind to yourself. xx

[KIP.]

Hi, I’m no therapist but I’m reading ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ by Bessel Van Der Kolk and it’s all about PTSD and trauma. You can listen on YouTube. It sounds like you have lots of trauma still to deal with. My local mental health services let me down. I borrowed the money for specialist private therapy. If was worth every penny. My advice is to find a specialist and even if you just have a couple of Sessions, until you get the therapy you need, it made me see the bigger picture, I was given a relaxation tape which you could access online. I used to imagine my ex moving on and having this wonderful life without me. It’s nonsense. They are still the same losers just looking for someone new to make miserable. It’s our own imagination that runs away with us. My ex is fatter, balder, and more miserable than ever. It’s extremely hurtful to be told you were dumped, let alone with the circumstances in your case, that was cruel. I can tell you now Ive turned the corner on Abuse that I couldn’t care less if he dumped me, cheated on me, divorced me, stole from me and all the other hell he put me through because I’m on the road to recovery, to having a positive life where I’m contributing to society. He will always be a delusional p********h. I hope one day soon you will feel the same way. All he brought was lies, fear and pain. Interspersed with his fake persona to reel me in but he could never sustain this fake person. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Good samaritan]

I am in exactly the same position with my family. Even worse after tonight most likely a criminal too because not only did I knock on my ex’s door but also messaged him with a harassment warning issued against me recently. The turmoil inside your head and desperately in need of therapy I can relate with you so much. I spent the entire journey home in floods of tears. I literally begged my ex to press charges against me so I could get some help. It’s a feeling like no other.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. Kip i still do feel the same in a way that my ex will live this happy life too.. xx

[Author]

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