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I’ve been separated from my husband for the last (detail removed by moderator) he’s experienced depression during our entire (detail removed by moderator) relationship. (detail removed by moderator) I moved out of the marital home as he said he needed space because he didn’t know if he loved me the right way anymore (he said this 3 times in our relationship), he then had an affair (detail removed by moderator) I was absolutely devastated. Between (detail removed by moderator) to present day He has said that he loves me and wants me back but there has been a lot of lies, emotional abuse like guilt tripping, gaslighting, threats of suicide. Trying to use guilt to make us try again. He’s never tried to address any of the issues very rationally. He says that he will say and do anything to get my attention. During our marriage he never actually hit me although he came close on one occasion stopping just before his fist made contact with my face, he’s thrown his dinner up in the air and I’ve had to clean it off the carpet and he smashed glasses and threatened to belt me before but not regularly. He was always temperamental and passive aggressive. I struggle to work out whether it’s mental health difficulties or abuse as it doesn’t seem bad enough. my therapist suggest I come on here and speak to you to help me. Some of his recent behaviour also fits the category of stalking.
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I struggle with the word abuse Ive been here over a year and still struggle. Its a horrible word. So someone told me to stop thinking about that word.
Think about whether he makes you happy feel safe loved respected
Not all “abuse” is physical its often emotional sexual financial and hurts just as much so just because he hasnt physically hurt you doesnt make the hurt less.
No mental health illness gives a person the right to hurt another none at all it is wrong always wrong. I was hurt as a child a young adult and as an older adult in my marriage which I am still here wishing I knew a way out, i self harm am a mess does that mean I am allowed to hurt another? Nope not at all.
To me reading your post it doesnt sound like he makes you feel safe loved respected in fact he makes you feel hurt scared and not very nice at all and that is bad enough sweetie it really is.
Stay safe sweetie x -
It sounds absolutely awful Sparkle wand. Well done for getting out.
Your husband is a narcis@istic abuser. You have no need to feel sorry for him. He’s an adult and his abusive personality was formed long long before you came onto the scene.
It’s quite a trip understanding domestic abuse. There are so many people both in real life and here on this forum to support you. You won’t fall.
It’s important to keep a diary of some sort. My ex is a stalker.
When you’re ready, it may be worth reporting to police even if they can’t arrest him, throw him into prison and throw away the key. It doesn’t happen like that.
You’ve done really well in recognising the abusive behaviour. Women’s Aid is brilliant. Most abusers don’t have sexual boundaries. If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable about sexual activity, Rape Crisis is brilliant. I was shocked by how many Rape Myths I had grown up with and believed.
It’s so hard and confusing at the beginning. Abusers don’t think like normal people. They use people as we might use a kettle or a door. We don’t ask things if they mind us switching them on, or turning the key. When they’re broken we replace them. To an abuser, we’re no more than objects.
You’re out. As it’s said by a Youtuber, Once You Know, You Go, and you Get Out and Stay Out.
You can’t negotiate with an abuser, and any contact will be used by them against you. No Contact will cause them the most upset and they may well try to hoover you back and guilt you into contact.
Baby steps. The really good thing about understanding Domestic Abuse is that you can’t unsee it.
There are lots of good healthy relationships to be enjoyed.
Lots of people will tell you to be kind to yourself. If life’s gone really pear shaped, washing your face and cleaning your teeth is an act of self care. Better to build on the small things. You’ll get there.
Your husband’s behaviour is totally unacceptable. Welcome to the ride! You’ll get there. Keep posting, and seek real life support.
Victim Support is another good resource. Any of the agencies I mention will be able to support you in reporting to police. This isn’t your shame, it’s his.
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Thank you for your feedback I just really struggle as he’s not been like it all of the time, he can be loving & generous & kind. It’s so confusing as he apologises and says he will do anything to get me back & he’s sorry & regrets the affair. He blames all of his most recent behaviour on his unhappiness & desperation to get his wife back. Throughout all of this I’ve not felt angry just a deep sense of sadness & disbelief regarding the whole situation & I still don’t feel ready to say let’s get divorced. I just wish the affair had never happened. My friends just get annoyed with me as they think I make excuses for his behaviour, but it’s so hard unless your in it. I wish I could just switch my emotions off & stop caring.
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Hi Sparklewand, welcome… what you are experiencing is domestic abuse, your husband doesn’t have to hit you, he made you aware that time he ‘nearly’ physically hurt you, that was him instilling a fear/threat to you of what he can do (physical violence).
It is hard as like my husband, yours can be nice…. mine could be so thoughtful, kind, great with our children… I stayed with him for over 2 decades.. he never ever changed. He swung between good guy, abuser… my mental health diminished over that time… I saw a psychiatrist for many many years… fast forward sometime (we separated, it took me three attempts over a space of time).
Look up trauma bonds, it sounds like that is what you have with your husband. It is literally like withdrawal, you crave your ex and the good times, the future plans that you have spoken about.
Break it down… your husband asked for space and then used that time away to sleep with someone else… now he wants you back. Has he acknowledged his infidelity, manipulation to have an affair, has he owned it and sought help for himself (not couples therapy, couples therapy in an abusive relationship is not recommended, I tried it and found out the hard way, all that therapy did was keep me about longer when in truth I knew we were finished. My husband threatened suicide, the 2nd time he said it I rang 999 and asked them to do a welfare check, ny ex didn’t claim to be suicidal after that. He tried many bizarre tactics as well as the usual ‘I will do anything, I will show you how I have changed, pleading for another chance (that’s also when I thought, hang on a minute mate… I have loved you for years and you have treated me like s**t, I was a servant).
Me and children have been out for over a year, it isn’t easy especially at first.. Read up on DA, living with the Dominater by Pat Craven is a good book to start with. Another book is Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do that.
Ring your local Womans Aid, speak to a GP about your own health.
It is baby steps, you might hear that a lot on this forum because it is small forward steps, no matter how small.
You are out, that is great, try not to think ahead, especially with Xmas around the corner (your ex may use Xmas as an excuse to guilt trip you.. if he loved you he wouldn’t be using any tactics to get you back, he would respect your boundaries and listen. If he really feels terrible for his abusive behaviours he would seek help and not tell you, he would just do it. You say he is starting to stalk you..please report this to the police… you deserve to be happy, to not walk on eggshells…
Over a year out here, it gets better ❤️ keep pushing forward 💪 🤗 -
Here for help I have rang 999 on a few occasions over the last few years and liaised with his GP & attended numerous appointments with my estranged husband. His own GP has told me that he thought he manipulated me at times & used emotions & guilt to try and get responses from me. My estranged husband even claimed that our (detail removed by Moderator) to try & get my attention (although he didn’t say it explicitly & just alluded to it) a lot of the time I feel like I have to read between the lines and work out what’s not being said in previous communication with him. I guess he knows the buttons to push with me, especially my sense of responsibility & guilt. I never wanted to be in this situation & when we got married I never expected to be in this situation 😥 as you said in your response he claims to take responsibility but then claims he ‘can’t help or stop’ his behaviour at times due to his distress or MH & in the last (detail removed by Moderator) years none of that has really changed. He has said on a few occasions that I am the only one that can fix or help him. I find that really difficult.
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Him saying basically that you are his saviour is all fake and designed to make you feel guilty. He is handing you some responsibility for him and his MH when he says that which is so unfair.as he is playing on your decency/humanity… he knows you care and he uses that Yes, you are right in that he knows what buttons to push, you also know him… use that to your advantage as it can help to accept where you are now and to move on.
When I got married I also never ever thought I would be in this situation. I found it hard to come to terms with and i grieved for the future which would not be (which I now know was future faking). The Freedom Programme really helped me, it validated the abuse which I had found hard to believe.
Well done for reporting to the police. Have you had a free 30 min Solictor appointment?
❤️
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Hi Here for help, I’ve not reported it to the police only ambulance services when he claimed to OD. I have a free solicitor appointment in (detail removed by Moderator) & a letter was sent stating I wanted a divorce but then it all felt too much & I didn’t pursue it. He freaked out hysterically & begged me not to pursue it. Since then I’ve been on this merry go round of spending some time with him/having contact & then not. It feels like I’m some respects my life has moved on and I have been casually seeing someone (they know the whole story & how I feel about my husband) but I still feel paralysed about actually saying it’s permanently over, scared, frightened, sad & I guess the fact that he says he wants me back & is begging & pleading a lot of the time I feel like nothing can change & I avoid it as it all feels too much. I think because he can be emotionally manipulative & use guilt etc I have gotten used to it or desensitised & it makes my friends/family angry but I’m just stuck with this feeling of sadness and powerlessness. Does that make sense? Thankyou
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Yes you make total sense…. I still get times when my heart will ache (I don’t want him back and I won’t go back) which is a Conflicting feeling for me and confusing at times.
You have already reached out and done a lot to help yourself, you sound strong, caring and considerate … I am so sorry he is trying to chip away at you… is there any way can you go no contact? You may have already tried it (apologies if have tried zero contact). Your ex is deliberately stalling fir Divirce. You can get a no fault divorce now which you can go ahead with if you wanted to, you do not need your ex’s permission since the Law changed. Monies/assets etc can be sorted afterwards.
It took me more than one go to go through with divorce, mine coerced and manipulated me to stop, back then I was still confused and wracked with an all-consuming guilt feeling, everytime he said i was ripping our family apart, that i was messing our children’s lives up, he accused me of manipulating and abusing him and he played himself as a victim, he really played with my heart and head.
Freedom programme really helped when I was stuck.
❤️
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I’m glad it makes sense, it feels like a lonely place at times to be in. After all the things he’s done (affair, lies, manipulation etc) it feels crazy that I can’t just cut him off after 5 years and I still have feelings and doubts. It really keeps me stuck with that sense of paralysis. He does use a lot of coercion and brings up our history, adding to my confusion/doubt/guilt. When he turns up at my door I don’t let him in but he cries & tells me he loves me & that life isn’t worth living without me & he will never give up on us 😥 it leaves me feeling like the bad guy as he wants to ‘save’ the marriage. I know that’s probably a distorted thought but I took my marriage vows seriously & I almost feel like this is what I signed up for. My therapist would argue that he broke our marriage when he had an affair. I think part of me still can’t believe he had an affair. I would have never imagined he’d do that in a million years. Not ‘my’ husband 😭 even after all this time I still struggle to accept what he’s done. I think I’m still looking for an explanation as to why this has all happened even though people tell me I’ll never get an explanation. Can you/anyone relate to any of that? It hurts so much when I think about the good times we shared. I really wish I could feel anger not just sadness & loss
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Oh you poor thing, hope you’re feeling a little better today?
Your therapist is right, he was the one who broke your marriage vows, not only by having an affair, but he gave you carte blanche to walk away the very first time he abused you.
You are grieving not just the good times you had, but all that you hoped and dreamed of the relationship. Allow yourself to do this, the only way out is through. That said, try to keep yourself grounded in reality- it is your hopes and dreams you are grieving, rather than the reality which was abuse and infidelity.
Escaping an abusive relationship leaves us with so much grief to process. I found it helpful when things were overwhelming to take some distance by analysing what stage of the grieving process I was in. Was I bargaining- ” if only I’d done this differently ” .., was it guilt, was I angry or in denial? At times I would feel acceptance, then cycle back through the other emotions again. This is totally normal. With time and self compassion you will come to a place where acceptance is your normal.
Big hugs and reach out for specialist support from WA or your GP if you haven’t already. I have a beautiful free happy life now, and the intensive counselling and work I did on myself after leaving is what I credit for that. You need and deserve support, we have your back here x*x
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Hi Hawthorn, thank you for your reply. I still feel very anxious, tense & panicky today. I feel like it’s a really lonely place to be and I so appreciate the support I’ve got from you lovely ladies on here. Friends and family care about me & are frustrated with the situation & don’t understand why or how I can still care about him or have confused feelings after all this time & the things he’s done. I do get that they feel like that & if I was on the outside I’d probably feel the same but when you’re in it & emotionally invested it’s not that easy. I just feel sick about it all & struggle to see my husband & abuse in the same sentence. I often feel like it’s not been bad enough to be abuse but then I know that things like threats of suicide, using guilt trips, lies & emotional coercion are abuse. I’ve often thought he shares some traits of covert n**********c personality & borderline personality disorder. I’ve spent so much time & still do trying to make sense of & understand his behaviour in terms of mental health and look for reasons or explanations that might give me answers. It’s like my brain won’t accept things or I’m in denial? I guess I’m not alone in that but I feel so conflicted about him even after all this time. In some ways my life has moved on & I have my own home but in other ways I’m still very stuck 😥
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