- This topic has 22 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi, thanks for clicking on me.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for (removed by moderator) years and over that time I’ve had one/two big violent out bursts from him per year. He’s pushed me against a wall, threatened to punch my pregnant belly, chased me in the house, taken my phone, slammed me onto the sofa by my throat, and the latest and most disturbing for me was he (removed by moderator).
So I know it’s abuse, it’s just very infrequent. This time however is the only time I’ve reacted. I told him I want to leave and that I can’t take it anymore. I told him he needs therapy, he agreed to but this was before Xmas and he’s now seeming like he might be trying to delay speaking to the gp etc.
Has anyone had good experiences from the therapy?
Please reassure me im not crazy and I need to leave, do I not?
-
You’re not crazy and you definitely need to leave (safely). Contact your local women’s aid for support. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for women and he has already shown you his true colours. Abuse always gets worse. What you have described is horrific and also illegal. Have you spoken to the police? You can get advice from them, ask for a domestic abuse officer. One incident of abuse is one too many.
-
-
-
There is no therapy available to “cure”these men. As said above, you need to leave. Imagine him doing this to someone you cherish. How does this make you feel? Then relate that feeling to you. If you were your own mother, what would you advise yourself to do? He sounds extremely dangerous. From my own experience, I had managed to get my perpetrator to see a therapist many years ago, a very skilled expert. This was before we knew about coercive control. He just used it to feed his need for attention. It made the abuse more complex as he became more cunning. Decades later and I am still trying to escape and kicking myself for not leaving so long ago. Be kind to your self, be aware of how bad his treatment of you is, and protect yourself. Get help, support and line up your ducks. Develop a network of background support people, as many as possible, without telling him. Tell people you trust. Speak to the police but safely, for what he is doing is violent and a crime. ❤️
-
No it’s never too late to speak to the police. Ask for a domestic abuse officer. They can give you advice and take your statement should you wish to give one. They can also put you in touch with support from victim support and local domestic abuse charities. Abuse thrives on our silence and victims often feel guilt and shame. That’s how the abuser wants us to feel and how they keep us silent. Abuse very often escalated after childbirth when we are even more vulnerable and abuse committed in front of children is classed as child abuse. Keep reaching out for help. He won’t change, stay safe x
-
Niknak, you are not crazy and yes, you need to leave. If he had done this to a stranger he would be looking at a court case. Because he did this to you does not alter the facts – he is an aggressive, violent man.
There is no excuse to behave this way and while we wish there was a way to change them, short of a labotomy, there isn’t. To be honest, I don’t think they really want to change as they think they’re the victim.
Now you need to gather your strength, your support and your self preservation. Find out your rights, how to keep safe and what professional support you can access.
Good luck, keep safe xx
-
-
Thank you to everyone for your replies they mean more than you will ever know.
So at the moment we are ‘playing happy families’ so I just continue this till I have a plan?
I’m hopefully telling his parents this weekend who I am really close to about his history which he knows about, he said they know but I don’t believe that. He won’t be there and I feel safe doing so.
I’m in touch with the local council where my parents live to see what my rights are regarding benefits etc.
I’m scared I’ll regret it but in my heart I know I won’t.
How long does it normally take from making the decision to actually leaving?
I have no money and I feel guilty that my daughters life will change so much we will have such a different life style with a lot lot less money.
I’m worried about him being awkward about seeing her. He loves to be stubborn and awkward to make things difficult for everyone else, and his family are very very aware of this too. He does it to them too, they’ve seen him snap at me verbally too and so have my parents so I don’t think they will be shocked.
I’ve got an emergency bag and an escape plan should I need it.
But am I wrong by still acting normal with him?
Thanks again
-
You need to contact your local women’s aid. Women on average leave and return seven times so you can see how difficult it is to break that trauma bond. I’d strongly advise you not to talk to his parents while you’re still in a relationship with their son. You may feel safe talking to them but what exactly do you think it would achieve? Blood is thicker than water and in my experience it will backfire. Get yourself out and safe first if you want that conversation. It’s also going to enrage him and endanger you both. At the moment you’re in survivor mode. Doing what you can to get by and survive this. I’d also recommend talking to a solicitor and letting them know about his behaviour, your GP too definitely as when you separate and he wants contact you need to be able to evidence his abusive behaviour. That’s why it’s so important you speak to and are guided by women’s aid. Some women leave with the clothes on their back and nothing else. You can rebuild your life once safe. Can you move back to your parents and take it from there?
-
Absolutely hear you, thank you. I haven changed my mind on that one.
Tomorrow’s plan is to go to the gp for ‘thrush’ which is actually to make a full disclosure 🤞🏻
Next week I will try find my local women’s aid and go from there.
I’m beyond scared 😣 I’m still acting 100% normal with him, is that awful of me? Like it’s going to be a shock to him I think, the guilt is just horrendous.
-
No it’s not awful of you. You absolutely need to act normally to protect yourself. To keep yourself safe. Please do not carry his guilt for him because then he won’t have to. Guilt is how an abuser controls us. It’s a great tool for him. You have nothing to feel guilty about. The only shock for him will come when he realises he’s lost his verbal punch bag and his way to make himself feel like a big man by abusing women and children. Please understand he is not your responsibility x he chooses to abuse you and he knows how this hurts you and he simply doesn’t care x
-
I totally understand the guilt. I’m still living with my husband and I’m busy making plans and exploring options. We have to put ourselves first. These men will never think of anyone but themselves and I don’t believe they’ll change. My husband stated taking meds for his mood and slyly stopped taking them. It was just lip service. I’ve grown to despise him so much but I just keep on with the facade for now.
Stay strong and if it helps with the guilt just tell yourself you’re just exploring options.
Every appointment I’ve made and step I’ve taken has been with such a heavy heart. I’ve been here before with a previous partner who went on to develop a full blown alcohol addiction.
Keep going. Every day do one thing to get you closer to your freedom and a happier life. X-
Thank you for your replies.
Another worry of mine is that I won’t be able to hold it together or prove anything.
I’ve got pictures from this last incident but the previous ive always deleted them when we reached the ‘honeymoon’ period 🙄. I can provide a good history but if I give this to the police, will it be enough?
Thank you
-
-
-
-
You won’t know how much evidence you have until you sit down with a domestic abuse officer who will assess your risk of harm and take a lengthy statement which will no doubt show a pattern of coercive behaviour. If you can secretly start a journal of all the incidents and rough dates. It will let you see just how bad it actually was x
-
Hi, thanks again.
I’ve been to the go today who took details of my problem etc so that is on file.
It has spurred me on because I want to protect my daughter.
Has anyone had luck with saying you need space and you’re leaving for a little while to stay with parents but with no actual plan to return?
Or is that unsafe?
Thanks!
-
There is absolutely no point in trying to reason with him. Anytime you open this kind of dialogue with him will put you at risk physically and also at risk of his threats and manipulation. The best thing to do is just to leave safely and quietly. Once you are safe you can ask a friend or family member to liaise on your behalf. I know this all sounds really harsh because that’s not how relationships usually end however you’re not dealing with a normal relationship here and your first priority is the safety of you and your child and you cannot be safe while there is any contact or dialogue. If he wasnt abusive then you wouldn’t have to behave this way but seriously he has left you no choice. You need to protect yourself and your child now. You need to ignore your heart and kind nature or he will use it against you and crush you x
-
-
I agree with KIP. There were (removed by moderator) occasions where my Husband told me that he was going to divorce me and I told him that I wanted a divorce as well. Both times he got angry because he expected me to fight for him to stay, the first time he assaulted me and the second time he talked about stabbing me. When I finally left months later, I didn’t give him any warning. I don’t know a lot about your situation, but if I had to do everything again, I still wouldn’t have discussed it with him in advance. In regards to staying with your parents, my Husband wrongly assumed that I’d gone to stay with my parents and he turned up at their house looking for me and repeatedly messaged them and called them for months after I left. Could you maybe go to a refuge? At least that way you would be safe. Well done for going to your GP, I really wish that I had, as the police told me that if I’d gone to my GP or a hospital then they might have had enough evidence to charge my Husband. At least there’s a record of the abuse if you need it in the future x
-
Oh gosh I hope you’re ok newbeginnings!
My next plan of action I think, is to tell my parents. They don’t particularly like him and they’ve called the police out on him before so I know they won’t be surprised but I feel so ashamed and embarrassed having to tell them and move back to my childhood home with my little one. I totally know it’s for the best but wow this isn’t how my life was meant to be. 💔
-
Telling your parents seems like a good plan, it sounds like they’ll be able to support you through it. You don’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed, I’m sure they’ll be relieved that you’re safe and they’ll want you to be happy. I know it feels like it’s not how it was meant to be but years from now you’ll be pleased that you did it xx
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
